The Personal Journal of POTUS

December 31, 2008

Foreign Policy

As you all know, foreign policy has dominated my time in the White House, and let’s just face it, things haven’t really gotten better per se.  If I look back from the time Bill took over for dad to now, 16 years, and things haven’t really changed much.  Look at the mess in Gaza for example, and look at the rather muted reactions around the world, I say it’s rather mute since it’s the same old crap everybody spews every time there is a situation like Gaza, or Lebanon, or somewhere in Africa.  The world is outraged, the world is pissed, blah blah blah, but nothing really changes.  In a way, my conversation with Barack just yesterday reminds me of how I was when I entered the White House 8 years ago.

BO: George, what are you going to do about what’s happening in Gaza?  The Israelis are killing all these Palestinians, some of them innocent, and those fucking Hamas bastards just keep lobbing rockets and egging on the Israelis.

GWB: Barack, I’m doing exactly the same thing I’ve been doing the last eight years, and Bill had done during his time.  Pretty much nothing.  Condi is doing the normal bit of condemnation and call of cease fire, so are most of the others.  The Arab world condemns the Israelis.  Pretty much business as usual.

BO: George, how can you say that, people are dying… we need to do something… you need to do something.  I know the first thing I’m going to do is to send Hillary over to try to restart this peace process, hell, I’ll force the Israelis to talk with Hamas.

GWB: Barack, you know, I admire your enthusiasm, I was the same way when I got in.  I talked to Bill about his keeping up the effort to get Arafat and the Israelis together.  Bill just kinda told me what I’m telling you now.  That until you had a few years to deal with this crap,  you wouldn’t understand.

BO: What do you mean?  We’re talking about lives at stake here, every day we delay, more lives are lost.

GWB: Lots of people have tried, you know Tony Zinni was my special envoy there, I remember when I came out to the Rose Garden with Colin and said enough is enough to another round of suicide bombing.  But all that bluster, nothing got achieved.  Tony was all excited, but eventually he got so frustrated, that he just said it was because of Iraq that he’s getting nowhere.  It’s not easy you know.

BO: Well, we got to keep trying, George, I’m gonna send Hillary.

I laughed a bit here.

GW: You know, I’d rather suggest you send Bill over, I was talking to him the other day.  He’s keen to trying again, he told me that basically it was because he had to deal with two guys that he couldn’t get things to work.  But now on the Israeli side, they have that chick Tzipi Livni running the show and she’s got her eyes on the prime minister seat, and she reminds him of a hotter an younger Hillary, he figure he could just go over and melt her heart of ice with his charm, and get her to work with him.   The only thing is he needs a good looking woman from the Palestinian side, that way he figures a few hours of private time with them, and then, viola, instant solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem.

BO: You’re kidding me.

GW: When you’re at this as long as I am, you’ll see where I’m coming from.  Listen, don’t let an old guy bring you down.  You do what you think it’s necessary.  Hell, Roosevelt didn’t beat the Russians, neither did Ike, nor Kennedy, or Nixon.  You just have to keep working at it, I figure we’ve been laying the ground work, and eventually, things will get better, I won’t be around to see it, you might be, but may be not, but it won’t be another 30 years before they figure that mess out.

BO: You’re kidding me, 30 years?

GWB: Yep, those guys have to get tired of killing each other, and they really aren’t at that point yet.  Might not happen for at least that long.  Or may be you can work up a miracle or something, but you’re pragmatic enough to know when to just sheperd things along.

That was pretty much the conversation.  I don’t mean to sound so negative, but the Israeli and Arab thing are just gonna keep going until both sides decide it’s enough.  And the only thing the rest of the world can hope for is that they knock enough sense into each other before they all manage to kill each other.


June 20, 2008

The Smartest Guy I’ll Never Talk To

Used Car Salesman of the Year

Introducing: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — Used Car Salesman of the Year

Let me start by saying that I think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Jew hating, Gay bashing, Islamofacist nutjob. Now, that I’ve satisfied the base of my party with the usual rhetoric, let’s get to the meat of the matter. Mahmoud is without a doubt one of the smartest guy in the Middle East. I mean he’s got a country that’s just a frigging mess, one the one hand, there is a psycho mullah (Khamenei) who wants to turn Iran into a theocracy, a population of 70 million that are pretty pissed because their economy sucks, and the Revolutionary Guards who just want to go out with blow up everybody. Yet somehow, he is managing not only to hold on to power but getting lot support from China and Russia. Mahmoud, buddy, I may not like you, but you are one smart cookie.

But unfortunately for you, I’m just as smart, and I play dirty. I know you have to rally support by saying things like “Israel will be wiped off the map” and “US is the great Satan” and so forth. Now, we doesn’t really care much what you say or even if you get a nuke. Because we know you’d probably be smart enough to make sure that when you get a nuke, it isn’t used against us. But you got the schizophrenic Israelis around, and they think you are actually serious and might do something dumb like give the nuke to Hezbollah or Hamas or some other nutjob group out there. After all you’ve been going on and on about wiping them off the map, and the Israelis can’t take a joke since they’re surrounded by people who are constantly trying to kill them. So, that means you can start expecting cruise missiles and smart bombs before the end of the year. Since the Isarelis figure they’ll have my tacit approval, and has a small window to get your nuclear sites before I leave office, and not risk the ire of the next administration.

And poor you, you can’t back off, cause that’ll make the home crowd go nuts, and they might put you against the wall. So, you’d have to retaliate, since you can’t hurt Israel militarily, the only option you have left is to use oil as a weapon. You’re gonna get your fat buddy Chavez to cut off oil and you might impede the traffic through the straight of Hormuz to cut off oil flow. You know this will send oil prices through the roof, so you’re trying to delink oil prices from the dollar, but it ain’t gonna work. The Saudis are making too much money from this. Even though I told them no more oil, they can’t help themselves.

So, we’ll go through this charade, and oil goes through the roof. All of this just helps me make sure I can put America on the right track and get us off of our dependence on Middle East oil. Then, you know we won’t need you any more, and you would really have lost. See, I told you, as smart as you are, I’m even smarter.

So, Obama, buddy, as you see, I’m doing you a big favor when I keep us in Iraq. At least this way you can honestly claim that you don’t have the resources to do something truly stupid like invade Iran. I’m also setting you up, so you can reap the rewards when oil goes through the roof, this means you can start putting up the infrastructure that will lead to energy independence for America without those morons from Congress always bitching at you. You ought to be as thankful for me being president as I was thankful for Clinton’s two terms when I came into office.

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