The Personal Journal of POTUS

February 22, 2009

A Courtesy Call

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 6:26 pm
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On Friday, I called up my predecessor.  It’s been a month since I took over from him, and I thought I should see how he is doing.  I had heard from one of my colleagues that he called Bill Clinton about a month after he left office, and I thought it would be nice to extend that courtesy.

I caught him apparently out on a bike ride, so I chatted up with him for a bit.  I asked him how he was settling in and what he is doing.  He told me that he was doing fine for the most part, still adjusting to the fact that he doesn’t have to get up in the morning to listen to the briefing from the company, and having to get Laura coffee.  He told me that he kind of missed the White House chefs since they were so damned good, but otherwise, he is getting used to being an ordinary guy.  As far as Secret Service allows him to be.

I reminded him that if he thinks he needs protection down the road, I’m happy to get an executive order in place.  George just laughed it off, and told me that he could take care of himself.  He told me that the last trip in Iraq, a second journalist threw a shoe at him, this time off camera, and so knowing he had a freer hand, he caught the shoe and threw it back into the guy’s face.  And then he told the security to let the guy up, and then told the guy to take a free shot at him.  Apparently, he had ordered Secret service to stand down, and do nothing, so this guy tried a quick punch to the face, and George apparently caught his fist, and then twisted his arm until the guy started crying uncle.

Anyway, not sure if I believe that one, but I told him my offer remains open, and if he wants to come up to the White House for a visit, just let Rahm know, and he is welcome any time.  It’s nice not having to worry about your immediate predecessor make comments about all your decisions at every opportunity, unlike some other president who shall remain unnamed.

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January 8, 2009

Initiation Day

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 6:32 am
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As you have all heard by now, today was the get together lunch I threw for Barack along with all the other former living presidents.  Now contrary to what the lovely Dana has told all of the press, 1981 was not the last time all the former living presidents gotten together.  In fact, it happens quite a bit more often than you might think.  The last time it happened was a few days before my inauguration.  Of course, it’s not ever publicized.  But during the lunch, we all went to the secret White House Dungeon… now I know most of you might be shocked to hear such a thing, but it’s true.  There is one of those, and the only people allowed in are presidents and ex-presidents.  Dungeon is also a bit old fashioned, they think one of the presidents in the early 1800s named it that because he had such a flair for the dramatic.  But it’s been around as long as the White House.  Just upgraded, these days, it’s more sophisticated, there is a few scanners that determines who gets to enter; and then only the sitting president has the keys.

Now, what do we do down there?  Two things.  First, there is the secret initiation, you might think this is some Skull and Bones thing, but not really, think of it more like the Water Buffalo Lodge initiation that the Flintstones enjoy in the town of Bedrock.  Now before all of you PC whiners out there cry racism, or some other silly thing, each president has to go through this, it’s a tradition.  Each time, the incoming president gets paddled by his predecessors.  When all is said and done, the initiation is complete, then you’re the official president.  Then you get to the second thing, where the incoming president gets the keys to the dungeon, and it’s not opened again until just before the next new president getting inaugurated.

The paddles are actually small wooden paddles just like the one they use in the Flintstones, and no, you don’t have to strip.  Each ex-president, and the sitting president gets ten strokes, and that’s it.  It’s up to the guy swinging the paddle to determine how hard or soft the blow is.  I remember when I got in office, Dad was kind, Bill kind of took it to me with a vengeance, Carter was Carter, not too hard, Ford was also pretty gentle.  This time was no different, Dad, I and Carter all took it pretty easy, but Bill went to it with a gusto.  I think he likes dishing out punishment a little too much, or may be this is payback for Hillary losing the primary.  Either way, he enjoyed it a little too much.  Then, when all was said and done, we all congratulated Barack, I gave him his only key that will ever truly belong to him alone to the White House, and we welcomed him to the fraternity of presidents.

And with that, it was pretty much my last formal duty as president.  Now, have to get finished packing and move on back to Crawford.

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