The Personal Journal of POTUS

January 8, 2009

Initiation Day

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 6:32 am
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As you have all heard by now, today was the get together lunch I threw for Barack along with all the other former living presidents.  Now contrary to what the lovely Dana has told all of the press, 1981 was not the last time all the former living presidents gotten together.  In fact, it happens quite a bit more often than you might think.  The last time it happened was a few days before my inauguration.  Of course, it’s not ever publicized.  But during the lunch, we all went to the secret White House Dungeon… now I know most of you might be shocked to hear such a thing, but it’s true.  There is one of those, and the only people allowed in are presidents and ex-presidents.  Dungeon is also a bit old fashioned, they think one of the presidents in the early 1800s named it that because he had such a flair for the dramatic.  But it’s been around as long as the White House.  Just upgraded, these days, it’s more sophisticated, there is a few scanners that determines who gets to enter; and then only the sitting president has the keys.

Now, what do we do down there?  Two things.  First, there is the secret initiation, you might think this is some Skull and Bones thing, but not really, think of it more like the Water Buffalo Lodge initiation that the Flintstones enjoy in the town of Bedrock.  Now before all of you PC whiners out there cry racism, or some other silly thing, each president has to go through this, it’s a tradition.  Each time, the incoming president gets paddled by his predecessors.  When all is said and done, the initiation is complete, then you’re the official president.  Then you get to the second thing, where the incoming president gets the keys to the dungeon, and it’s not opened again until just before the next new president getting inaugurated.

The paddles are actually small wooden paddles just like the one they use in the Flintstones, and no, you don’t have to strip.  Each ex-president, and the sitting president gets ten strokes, and that’s it.  It’s up to the guy swinging the paddle to determine how hard or soft the blow is.  I remember when I got in office, Dad was kind, Bill kind of took it to me with a vengeance, Carter was Carter, not too hard, Ford was also pretty gentle.  This time was no different, Dad, I and Carter all took it pretty easy, but Bill went to it with a gusto.  I think he likes dishing out punishment a little too much, or may be this is payback for Hillary losing the primary.  Either way, he enjoyed it a little too much.  Then, when all was said and done, we all congratulated Barack, I gave him his only key that will ever truly belong to him alone to the White House, and we welcomed him to the fraternity of presidents.

And with that, it was pretty much my last formal duty as president.  Now, have to get finished packing and move on back to Crawford.


December 31, 2008

Foreign Policy

As you all know, foreign policy has dominated my time in the White House, and let’s just face it, things haven’t really gotten better per se.  If I look back from the time Bill took over for dad to now, 16 years, and things haven’t really changed much.  Look at the mess in Gaza for example, and look at the rather muted reactions around the world, I say it’s rather mute since it’s the same old crap everybody spews every time there is a situation like Gaza, or Lebanon, or somewhere in Africa.  The world is outraged, the world is pissed, blah blah blah, but nothing really changes.  In a way, my conversation with Barack just yesterday reminds me of how I was when I entered the White House 8 years ago.

BO: George, what are you going to do about what’s happening in Gaza?  The Israelis are killing all these Palestinians, some of them innocent, and those fucking Hamas bastards just keep lobbing rockets and egging on the Israelis.

GWB: Barack, I’m doing exactly the same thing I’ve been doing the last eight years, and Bill had done during his time.  Pretty much nothing.  Condi is doing the normal bit of condemnation and call of cease fire, so are most of the others.  The Arab world condemns the Israelis.  Pretty much business as usual.

BO: George, how can you say that, people are dying… we need to do something… you need to do something.  I know the first thing I’m going to do is to send Hillary over to try to restart this peace process, hell, I’ll force the Israelis to talk with Hamas.

GWB: Barack, you know, I admire your enthusiasm, I was the same way when I got in.  I talked to Bill about his keeping up the effort to get Arafat and the Israelis together.  Bill just kinda told me what I’m telling you now.  That until you had a few years to deal with this crap,  you wouldn’t understand.

BO: What do you mean?  We’re talking about lives at stake here, every day we delay, more lives are lost.

GWB: Lots of people have tried, you know Tony Zinni was my special envoy there, I remember when I came out to the Rose Garden with Colin and said enough is enough to another round of suicide bombing.  But all that bluster, nothing got achieved.  Tony was all excited, but eventually he got so frustrated, that he just said it was because of Iraq that he’s getting nowhere.  It’s not easy you know.

BO: Well, we got to keep trying, George, I’m gonna send Hillary.

I laughed a bit here.

GW: You know, I’d rather suggest you send Bill over, I was talking to him the other day.  He’s keen to trying again, he told me that basically it was because he had to deal with two guys that he couldn’t get things to work.  But now on the Israeli side, they have that chick Tzipi Livni running the show and she’s got her eyes on the prime minister seat, and she reminds him of a hotter an younger Hillary, he figure he could just go over and melt her heart of ice with his charm, and get her to work with him.   The only thing is he needs a good looking woman from the Palestinian side, that way he figures a few hours of private time with them, and then, viola, instant solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem.

BO: You’re kidding me.

GW: When you’re at this as long as I am, you’ll see where I’m coming from.  Listen, don’t let an old guy bring you down.  You do what you think it’s necessary.  Hell, Roosevelt didn’t beat the Russians, neither did Ike, nor Kennedy, or Nixon.  You just have to keep working at it, I figure we’ve been laying the ground work, and eventually, things will get better, I won’t be around to see it, you might be, but may be not, but it won’t be another 30 years before they figure that mess out.

BO: You’re kidding me, 30 years?

GWB: Yep, those guys have to get tired of killing each other, and they really aren’t at that point yet.  Might not happen for at least that long.  Or may be you can work up a miracle or something, but you’re pragmatic enough to know when to just sheperd things along.

That was pretty much the conversation.  I don’t mean to sound so negative, but the Israeli and Arab thing are just gonna keep going until both sides decide it’s enough.  And the only thing the rest of the world can hope for is that they knock enough sense into each other before they all manage to kill each other.

November 22, 2008

Fourth in Line

Filed under: Foreign Relations,Politics — fakepotus @ 9:10 pm
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I’m on my way to Peru, and I get a call from Bill.  He was not his usual effusive self this day, his first words were, have you heard?  Hillary is going to take the sec state job on Obama’s team.  This is not going to be a good thing.

I was a bit surprised given my conversation with Karl, I didn’t think Hillary was quite that desperate to be in the executive branch at that level, so I asked Bill what he thought.  He said he thinks this means that the money train ride he’s taken so far might be over.  Definitely not a good thing.  He didn’t want to write yet another book, because then he’d be stuck at home and miss out on all the partying.  But more than that, since she serves at the pleasure of Obama, it means he can fire her after two years or however long it takes.  That’ll put Hillary down for good, and she’ll never be happy being Barack’s mouth piece, and that means she’ll take out all her anger and frustration on him.

I understood Bill’s dilemma, and asked why she just didn’t turn the offer down outright?  Bill told me she had this idea that as a Secretary of State, she could make a lot more connections which could eventually make her eligible to run as secretary general of the UN, and besides she is 4th in line of succession, so you never know.  I thought that sounded rather desperate, Bill responded that he thought the same way, but there wasn’t much he can do about it now.  So, he’ll make the best of it, and hope she can get him some connections that may be get him on the board of Wal-mart or something like that.

Poor Bill, he hasn’t been the same since Hillary started the campaign for presidency.  I hope he can keep his sanity if she becomes the Secretary of State.

November 15, 2008

Revenge… a dish best served as soon as possible

Filed under: Politics — fakepotus @ 5:37 pm
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Team Obama has struck once again and it seems the Health czar idea that Karl came up with months ago has been modified.  Now the plan is becoming clear, Obama is trying not to just neutralize Hillary, but Bill too.  I talked to Karl this morning before the G20 started up again, and Karl was quite impressed with the move to drop Hillary’s name in for Secretary of State.

Karl thought that the whole process was about trying to kill two birds with one stone, in this case the stone is the dead weight Secretary of State position.  The way it works, if Hillary accepts the role, she’ll have to copt poor Bill as a goodwill ambassador for her based on her campaign pledge, effectively making him a tool for the Obama White House.  On the other hand, if Bill doesn’t play ball, he’ll essentially be trying to dance around Hillary’s foreign policy role as dictated by Obama and risk confrontation at home.  That way, the trap is set up so that Bill becomes marginalized permanently either way.  As for Hillary, well, no need to worry about her in 2012, and since she’d essentially become Obama’s bitch, no one will ever hear from her again.

On the other hand, if  someone else beat Hillary out for the position.  She is going to be humiliated one more time, and one more payback for the way the primaries went down.  Either way, Obama gets to put down one of the Clintons.

So I asked Karl what would be the best move for the Clintons?  Karl thought that was simple, Hillary should flat out reject the role by saying her duties to her constituents in NY is too important.  That way, it insulates Bill, keeps the possibility of being humiliated by someone else beating her out.  But it would have to happen soon.  The longer she waits, the more likely that Obama will pick someone else for the job or she gives the perception that she’s so desperate she is willing to be the bitch.  I asked Karl who would be the likely choice for Obama if Hillary declines, and Karl’s money is on a Republican.

November 13, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 6:34 am
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It’s been a busy week so far, and I haven’t had much time to reflect until the last few days.  Thought about the call I made to Bill on Sunday before the Obamas came to visit, I actually asked him a few questions about how he handled retirement.  I told Bill that I was a bit at a loss for what I’d do next.

Bill was his ever effusive self, told me not to worry about it, it’ll come soon enough.  First, I could catch up on all these great books that came out the last few years, play some golf, may be go jogging from state to state, or I could probably write a book or two.  That was just leisurely stuff.  Then there is the possibility of doing charity work.  Bill was telling me he was looking for a new partner anyway since dad isn’t traveling quite as much in the last few years.  Bill was adamant that he didn’t want to hang out with Carter or Gore, the former is a nutjob, and Al is trying his hand at venture capitalism.  Bill chuckled a little at that one.

The talk with Bill really did help though.  At least it got me started thinking about what to do next.   I know I have a few regrets about the time I’ve spent in the White House.  Hell, actually, I have a lot of regrets, beyond those that I whined to the media about, but then I guess there is only so much time one has as a president.   Could’ve done a lot more for education, too bad I didn’t have the time to spend on that one.  Ah well.  The book is actually something I started on already, it’ll probably be out in a couple of years or so.  Got a few guys who I’ve been bouncing ideas off of over the last few weekends.  So, I guess retirement won’t be that bad.

May be I ought to focus my post-White House efforts on our veterans.  I sure had put a lot of them in harm’s way in the last seven years.  But, the door is wide open in the future.  Or, may be I can take up a job as a counselor, you know, I could look into people’s eyes, see into their souls, and all that.  So, retirement might not be so bad after all.

August 29, 2008

My Last Convention

I’m gonna be giving out the opening speech at the convention next week, and I can say with 100% certainty, I won’t miss this. I had just heard early this morning that John McCain was picking Sarah Palin to be his running mate, my first reaction was probably like yours, “who????” I didn’t even know we made Alaska a state, who the hell authorized that? And if we did make it a state, why haven’t we started putting more wells there, we need the frigging oil.

Anyway, back to McCain/Palin vs Obama/Biden, I don’t know, the candidates don’t seem to be well matched. Old guy senator and unknown governor against inexperienced rockstar and another fuddy duddy, gawd, even Al Gore had better credentials. But I have to go speak to the conservative masses, I just don’t care that much, I’ll probably give my typical speech about all the brilliant things I’ve done in the last eight years. Not that people apparently care or even understood, but then I’m used to it. I don’t like the limelight very much.

In this I know I’m nothing like Bill, but then Bill has to pay for his popularity too, I know more people watched his speech than Obama’s. I’m happy to admit that Bill is a better orator than I am, I mean if you watched his speech on Wednesday, you know that the people, especially Democrats, adore him. It’s no wonder he can bed any chick he wants. Bill is the man along those lines, I’m more a man of words than action, I think we would’ve made a great team he and I. But then Bill has to pay for his popularity too.

I got on the video phone with Bill last night after Obama’s speech, and he was in tears yet again. And you could tell that the speech cost him, apparently after he and Hillary got back from the convention, the first thing that happened was that Hillary walked over to him and kneed him in the balls. And she cursed at him for giving such a fantastic speech, and then cursed him for ruining her chances at nomination by attacking Obama, and cursed him because she had to be humiliated by this nomination by acclimation crap. Then for good measure, she cursed him for being born and then slapped him around some more. Then she lashed out at all the people involved, especially those who didn’t back her or explicitly told her to quit or worse yet stabbed her in the back during the primaries, people like screaming Howard Dean, the shrill Pelosi, and worst of all, the fat Judas Bill Richardson, she went on naming names and talking about how she’ll get even with them, finally, she told Bill that if Obama is president, it’ll be his fault because he gave such a great speech and she was forced into quitting the race. She ended the tirade by slugging poor Bill in the guts again and apparently stormed off to curse some more.

I asked Bill why he doesn’t get the Secret Service to protect him, Bill was just shook his head sadly and told me that he tried it years ago, and Hillary always told the Secret Service to fuck off because this was a domestic matter, and it’s none of their business. In fact, she had done it so many times now that when he is with her and he screams, the Secret Service doesn’t even bother to come in the door any more. He used to be able to get Chelsea to calm Hillary down, but nowadays, Chelsea is nowhere around, so he suffers the abuse without recourse.

I told Bill that the best thing to do is to stay away from Hillary for a while whenever she gets mad, let her calm down. He shrugged fatalistically and said that it doesn’t help, if he goes away, she just builds up her rage, and he really gets it when he sees her again. I feel really bad for poor Bill, and hope he can get away from this abusive situation. But then, hearing Bill, I’m really happy that I’m not as popular as he is, I mean Laura never abuses me like this. Oh well, I better get on with this stupid speech and get it over with. I’ll be glad when this is all done in a few months….

Sarah Palin??? What the hell is McCain smoking?

August 24, 2008

What About Bill?

You know, if there is one person who has truly suffered during this election, it would be Bill. I got a call from him on Saturday, and the poor guy was almost in tears. Apparently, Barack’s VP choice had sent Hillary over the edge.

Bill’s first words when I picked up the phone were, George, you gotta help me. Hillary has gone mental. Then he gave the entire litany of woes that has befallen him in the few months. He told me that ever since Hillary lost the nomination, she’s been brooding, and that she goes through stages not unlike an alcoholic. First, she keeps indulging herself in some fantasy that the base of the party would revolt at the convention and nominate her as the candidate. Then, when Bill tries to tell her that this isn’t likely to happen, she goes into a fury for a while, throwing glassware all over the place, screaming, I deserve to be president… you got to be a president, and I’m far more deserving.

Then, after an hour or so, she would settle down and start talking to herself about the fact that she would have to be on the ticket, they would be the dream team. Barack and Hillary, the unstoppable dynamic duo, this was inevitable, and there is no way that Barack would ignore her. Then Hillary would realize that Barack doesn’t give two figs about her, because he hasn’t even called except through his staffers to coordinate the few joint appearances in front of her crowd. After a few minutes, Hillary would demand a back rub or some other form of physical therapy from Bill. Of course, Bill is just reluctant to do this, not because he doesn’t like to touch women, but well, the few times he tried to calm Hillary before, it inevitably turned into an accusation session that goes something like, so, this is what you do with all those tramps and bimbos before you have your non-sex with them. You’re a pervert, an evil male egomaniac, and the list of insults would go on.

Then comes the money, now, Bill cares about money, but he is also at a point where he already pretty rich, and he is buddies with lots of rich guys who would always see to his needs and help him out. But Hillary can be a real tightwad, once she gets through the indignities of realizing she won’t be the VP pick, she then complain about how unfair Barack is. That she still has a ton of campaign debt and Barack he hasn’t helped her to settle her these, he could do it with just one of his little fundraisers. She doesn’t want to be out tens of millions. This would kill them, never mind the fact that Clinton and company still has millions more in the bank.

Finally, the last stage of her rant would be all about revenge on Barack. That she hopes McCain beats the crap out of him in the general election, and how she could help under the table with dirt on Obama. She would gleefully cackle about the prospect of Barack losing and giving her another shot in four years. Finally, she would exhaust herself in the revelry of the imagined revenge been completed and then go to sleep or something.

Bill told me that this was like watching an alcoholic go through withdrawal, except it was like groundhogs day at the same time. This cycle would happen every few days, and the duration would vary from a few hours to a whole day. In the interim, she keeps berating him, and prevents him from going out.

Bill was crying when he finally said, George, what can I do? I’m losing weight, I haven’t had my favorite barbeque in two months, no trips out west to see my lady friends, and yesterday, it was especially bad when it came out that Joe Biden was gonna be VP. Hillary just lost it, she ranted for hours about how unfair this was to her, what kind of a loser Biden was, and what a jackass Obama was for picking him, and how insulting it would be that she’d still have to put up a brave face in the conventions and say nice things about him. That she’d be damned if she raised a child in this kind of village, she’d burn it to the ground first… and so on.

I told Bill that it’ll be ok, it’ll be over soon, once the convention is done, at worst, it’ll last until the end of the election cycle. Then things will get back to normal. What else can I say? I’m worried about poor Bill, I would like a golf buddy to hang out with after I’m done here in DC — and Laura doesn’t mind having pretty girls around since she’s not threatened by them. But at this rate, poor Bill might not make it, and let’s face it, I already hang out with dad a lot, and nobody wants to hang out with Jimmy Carter.

June 20, 2008

The Smartest Guy I’ll Never Talk To

Used Car Salesman of the Year

Introducing: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — Used Car Salesman of the Year

Let me start by saying that I think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Jew hating, Gay bashing, Islamofacist nutjob. Now, that I’ve satisfied the base of my party with the usual rhetoric, let’s get to the meat of the matter. Mahmoud is without a doubt one of the smartest guy in the Middle East. I mean he’s got a country that’s just a frigging mess, one the one hand, there is a psycho mullah (Khamenei) who wants to turn Iran into a theocracy, a population of 70 million that are pretty pissed because their economy sucks, and the Revolutionary Guards who just want to go out with blow up everybody. Yet somehow, he is managing not only to hold on to power but getting lot support from China and Russia. Mahmoud, buddy, I may not like you, but you are one smart cookie.

But unfortunately for you, I’m just as smart, and I play dirty. I know you have to rally support by saying things like “Israel will be wiped off the map” and “US is the great Satan” and so forth. Now, we doesn’t really care much what you say or even if you get a nuke. Because we know you’d probably be smart enough to make sure that when you get a nuke, it isn’t used against us. But you got the schizophrenic Israelis around, and they think you are actually serious and might do something dumb like give the nuke to Hezbollah or Hamas or some other nutjob group out there. After all you’ve been going on and on about wiping them off the map, and the Israelis can’t take a joke since they’re surrounded by people who are constantly trying to kill them. So, that means you can start expecting cruise missiles and smart bombs before the end of the year. Since the Isarelis figure they’ll have my tacit approval, and has a small window to get your nuclear sites before I leave office, and not risk the ire of the next administration.

And poor you, you can’t back off, cause that’ll make the home crowd go nuts, and they might put you against the wall. So, you’d have to retaliate, since you can’t hurt Israel militarily, the only option you have left is to use oil as a weapon. You’re gonna get your fat buddy Chavez to cut off oil and you might impede the traffic through the straight of Hormuz to cut off oil flow. You know this will send oil prices through the roof, so you’re trying to delink oil prices from the dollar, but it ain’t gonna work. The Saudis are making too much money from this. Even though I told them no more oil, they can’t help themselves.

So, we’ll go through this charade, and oil goes through the roof. All of this just helps me make sure I can put America on the right track and get us off of our dependence on Middle East oil. Then, you know we won’t need you any more, and you would really have lost. See, I told you, as smart as you are, I’m even smarter.

So, Obama, buddy, as you see, I’m doing you a big favor when I keep us in Iraq. At least this way you can honestly claim that you don’t have the resources to do something truly stupid like invade Iran. I’m also setting you up, so you can reap the rewards when oil goes through the roof, this means you can start putting up the infrastructure that will lead to energy independence for America without those morons from Congress always bitching at you. You ought to be as thankful for me being president as I was thankful for Clinton’s two terms when I came into office.

June 18, 2008

Obama’s Options

I got a call from Karl a couple of days ago. He told me that Obama had called him and talked to him for an hour or so about Hillary and what to do. Karl said that it was a rather strange conversation, but Obama had thought that this kind of move would be just the kind of unexpected play that throws off the Hillary camp.

Basically, Obama told Karl the following. Now that he has won the primary, he has to find away to diffuse the Clinton situation. Apparently, Hillary has been demanding the VP spot behind the scene, but was really arguing more for a co-presidency. Basically meaning, she would get equal say in decisions on the executive side, but not any of the blame when things go wrong. She was also hinting about Bill needing some authority in major economic decisions. Essentially a six legged, three headed monster. Oh, and she also want help in getting back the money she loaned to her campaign. Either that, or she makes trouble at the convention, and secretly funnel dirt to the Republicans for use during the campaign.

Obama was saying that he thought the best way was to play hardball, and force the Clintons to show all their donors and tax records as a way of keeping her from the position. But the problem is this would inevitably lead to a nasty confrontation and backstabbing at the convention and might even cost him the presidency. Besides all of that, Michelle really doesn’t like Hillary and she already has dibs on the co-president position. He didn’t really like all the options that his advisers was presenting, so he thought he’d call Karl and see what contrarian advice he could get on the Hillary problem.

Karl told me that he had advised Obama to give Hillary what she wanted. Basically, preannounce a position for Hillary, for example something like Health Czar, and let her take on all matters health related. Say something like her experience as a senator and as a first lady uniquely qualifies her for this position. Given what Hillary can bring to the campaign and her passion for the national health care system, we want her on board now and to start working on this so that she can hit the ground running when our administration takes over in January. That way, it would look like you’d have already brought her into the big tent on something important. If she accepts, you get her supporters automatically while having had the effect of pushing her off onto something irrelevant. If she opts to stay in the Senate, you would look like a really fair guy who offered her a position, and it’s her fault that she declined. Then if she tries to assassinate you politically, you take the high road, and she commits political suicide. This is a winner because you’d be able to put the nail in coffin for the Clinton’s political aspirations and the cost is a worthless post like Secretary of Health and Human Services.

When you get into the White House, if she succeeds, you can bask in the glory of your brilliant choice. If she screws it up, you can do a Wright defense, and say you were busy dealing with the mess in Iraq and you’re saddened that Hillary’s plan didn’t work. This way, you neutralize the Clintons in one fell swoop.

Obama thanked Karl and said he’d think about it. I tell you, Karl is frigging brilliant. I mean the guy could probably get water from stone if he wanted to. Look at what he’s done for me, and Obama would do well to listen to him. I was a bit surprised by Obama, after all the rhetoric, may be the guy is a bit more than talk, I mean going to Karl is pretty unexpected, but a brilliant move. After all, how many guys would think of going to the oppositions chief strategist for advice. It’s like Churchill going to Rommel during the middle of WWII for advice on how he should fight the war. I have to keep an eye on this Obama guy, and McCain might be in trouble than I thought.

June 4, 2008

Calls from Team Clinton…

One of the big perks of presidents, and VPs (both current and former) is that we get our own top of the line communications capability. It dates back to Teddy Roosevelt, who thought it would be a good idea to be able to talk to former presidents and bounce ideas off of them. Back then it was telegraphs and telephones, now it’s gotten more sophisticated, we have these personal cell phones that are super encrypted and have all these neat functionalities. They have GPS, iPod, video streaming and all sorts of stuff loaded on them, and they’re just little thicker than a credit card, really cool stuff. These things basically allow the former presidents and VPs to form an old boys network. So, if Bill wants a favor, he calls, and if I need advice, I would call him, or may be dad, or even Dan Quayle… ok, just kidding, nobody calls Dan Quayle.

Anyway, I’m up on the tread mill this morning, and I get a call from Bill this morning, or at least I thought it was Bill until I picked up. Hillary was on the phone, and she was hysterical. I would be surprised that she hijacked Bill’s phone, except this wasn’t the first time.

George, did you see what happened over the weekend? Those fuckers at the DNC gave Obama half the votes from Michigan. I mean what the fuck, he wasn’t even on the ballot. At least when you stole the thing from Al, his name was on the ballot down in Florida. Now the fucking AP is putting out a story saying that I’m throwing in the towel. Every body is against me… it’s so unfair. I’m supposed to be president, not Obama, besides, we already had a black president, David Palmer, heck, two of them if you count his brother Wayne. We need a woman president, and I’m the only choice around. Besides, I don’t want to be a VP. You have to do something, get Rove on the line and get the smear machine going. We have to stop this Obama Osama character now before he gets the nomination. You owe me….

I was like, uh Hillary, do you realize that David Palmer was a pretend president on 24, that’s a TV show and David Palmernot a real president. Besides, it was pretty much impossible for you to win two months ago, it’s not my fault that you idiot Democrats have such a screwed up nominating process. Blame the DNC, and that lunatic Howard Dean. Besides, it can’t be so bad that Obama becomes president right? And if Obama and you go on the same ticket, there is always a chance for you to be president, since you’re next in line of succession. Or if you stay in the senate, you’ll still be one of the most powerful senators on the hill, that’s gotta count for something. As for me owing you, I think I already helped you plenty… why would I want to ask Karl to get dirt on Obama? Heck, I screwed up the Iraq war so you have a good platform to make sure that you get to be president, in fact, if you guys don’t win by a landslide, it’ll just show the world how incompetent you are.

So then, Hillary turns nasty on the phone. She says, listen you jackhole, I don’t want to end up like that senile hack Kennedy or a windbag like Kerry, ok? I don’t want to play second fiddle to Obama. I want to be president, so you tell Rove to spin up the smear machine on Obama, and I’ll do my part, I’m going to be president, you get me, so get your ass to work, monkey boy, or else. Then she hangs up.

I think she’s really lost it… but anyway, Bill calls back later on in the day, and tells me that he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to let Hillary get a hold of the phone again, anyway, he is stressed from all this campaigning for her. I asked him why he’s so worked up over all this, he already had his turn. Bill says well, he wants another go, last time he had his day job, so he couldn’t pay attention to all the cute interns in the White House, but this time he’ll have more time on his hands. And he wouldn’t even mind the VP position, after all, Air Force Two is still pretty comfortable. But never mind all that, don’t take Hillary’s threats too seriously, she’s too involved in all this campaigning. And oh by the way, are we still on two weeks from now for the barbeque at Crawford. I told him, yeah, sure, come on over, we’ll grab a couple of cold ones and talk about how lucky he is to have hooked up with Ron Burkle. At least, that last bit cheered him up a little.

Anyway, I feel bad for Bill, after all, he did work pretty hard during his eight years, and he gets more than his share of bad press. So, may be I will give Karl a call and have him dig up some more dirt out on Obama, who knows, may be he had a far left College professor that hated America too, and anyway it might help McCain. But I have to say, even if Karl doesn’t do anything, watching politics is sure as heck a lot more fun than being in it.

Team Clinton

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