The Personal Journal of POTUS

February 22, 2009

Tryouts

Filed under: Domestic Policy,Economy — fakepotus @ 6:47 pm
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This week, two wonderful American companies came the Washington to beg for more money.  Now, privately, the Spanker has been fielding calls from the two Chief Morons of the company as well as Ronnie from the UAW.  The call is all the same, Ronnie was saying that he delivered Michigan to us during the election, now it’s time to pay up.  I’m hearing the same thing from some of the guys in Congress like Carl Levin.

Now, I’m all sympathetic to saving jobs, and trying to salvage the auto industry.  But guys, come on, why don’t you actually hire some real marketing people, the plan you morons presented sucks.  My daughters could probably come up with a better plan that save money.  Let’s take GM’s plan for instance, they are off loading brands, and they feel if the American consumer can start buying record level of new cars by 2014 or something, they’ll have the loans paid back in full.  Now, this is the money we already loaned them and the additional money we’ll loan this time.  They just assume the market will turn around, but oh by the way, if it doesn’t, we’ll owe you even more money.

Then there is Chrysler’s plan, which is even more of a joke.  Guys, that’s not even a plan, that’s a frigging dream or something.  Give me a break, did you think I was just born yesterday?  You might be able to sell this load of crap to the morons in Congress, but I’m sorry, I am just not that stupid.

So, here is what we’re going to do.  You guys are each going to pick a team of five, and then we’re gonna have try outs.  I don’t have enough money for both your companies, so one of you will have to go.  The tryouts are a combination of strength, skills, smarts, stamina, savvy, and other attributes.  You know all the things that got me into the White House four years after I became a junior senator from Illinois.  Anyway, the winner, and yes, this will be judged by my panel of experts and myself.  The winner gets the money and gets to remain part of the American success story, or at least, survival story, and the loser becomes like the dinosaur.

Oh, and Ronnie, I do owe you something, so, I’m going to help ensure one of these two survive, and you still have Ford, so a majority of the UAW power will still be intact, okay?  But, I’m not going to keep throwing tons of money to you guys just because these two companies can’t compete with Toyota, Honda, BMW, VW, and Hyundai.  So, you need to do your part, and help the survivors get more competitive.

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