The Personal Journal of POTUS

February 16, 2009

My Blackberry

Filed under: Presidential Security,Technology — fakepotus @ 3:27 am
Tags: , , ,

A lot has been made of my wonderful Blackberry.  The media has made hay out of the fact that I am a modern man, and I can’t live without my blackberry.  Well.  The funny thing is this was never even a choice or a consideration.  When I visited the White House the first time, I was telling George about how tough it’s going to be to try to keep my Blackberry.

Bush laughed, and he showed me his personal cell phone.  He told me it was the president’s phone, it had mobile internet like 10 generations ahead of the iPhone, the best email, he could watch movies, voice based text message, and heck, even order a nuclear strike from it.  I was taken right then and there, and Bush told me that I’ll get one as soon as I’m on the job.   There is like only a few of these around, exclusively for presidents and vice presidents.   He let me play with his for a few minutes, I was in love.  I typed in a couple of commands and sent a predator into Pakistan and told it to fire a missile.  It was like just the best thing mobile ever made.

My only regret out of this whole thing is that Joe gets one of these too, but oh well, you take the good with the bad.  But since the media kept pointing to this, I got together with a couple of guys at the NSA, and we came up with this little gag.  I got one of these so called secured blackberry from Research In Motion, and then gave it right to the boys at Ft. Meade.   So now we got a rope a dope going with all these hackers coming after my “blackberry.”

I say to all the would be hackers, bring it on.  Have fun trying to purge your PCs or whatever of the viruses you’re gonna get when you hack into “my blackberry” sitting in Ft. Meade.  Meanwhile, I’ll be having fun with my personal presidential smartphone, laughing all the way to the bank.  Heh heh, do you idiots think I would buy Canadian when I can buy Apple?

Oops, went a bit far with that one.  The product didn’t come from Apple, nope, other coast.

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February 13, 2009

Thank you Senator Judd

Filed under: Person of the Week,Politics,Republicans,The Cabinet — fakepotus @ 7:08 am

I want to personally thank Senator Judd for his public backstabbing of me today.  I mean I couldn’t have ask for anything more meaningful from the Republicans, this is so easy, it’s like taking candy for a bunch of retarded babies.

Now, people might wonder why I’m not up in arms about all this.  Well, it’s simple, I am demonstrating leadership.  Showing that I’m willing to reach out to my political opponents and giving them the chance to be a part of my administration.  Now, if they are stupid enough to take this golden opportunity to stab me in the back in full view of the American public.  Then I’m gracious enough to say, guys, there will be other chances for you to sign up, but the people will remember this, how you were all a bunch of petty politicians that instead of trying to work on the problem, you take opportunities to try to screw over a new president that’s trying to help the American people in their time of need.

Now, lest everyone think I’m just a naive fool walking through life with blinders on, just take a look at the image above.  While old Judd is talking, my eyes are sharply focused, it’s sending a message, it said, Judd, I’m giving you the opportunity to help me save the nation, don’t screw it up.  Obviously, Judd decided he couldn’t handle the job, but instead of talking to me about it like a honest man, he couldn’t resist trying to screw me while I was talking to concerned citizens.  Lincoln would be ashamed.

Republicans, from the wisdom of Bush, you are either with me, or you’re against me.  But if you guys want to become a permanent minority party, you keep doing what you’re doing, and come 2010, I’ll have a supermajority in Congress, and then all your partisan sniping are going to be just crap that’s fit for the tabloids.

So, as I started, Thank you, Judd Gregg, for deciding to be a dumbass and playing politics and trying to hurt me while I’m trying to help the country.

February 11, 2009

Clintonian Diplomacy

Filed under: Foreign Policy,International Relations — fakepotus @ 6:08 am

The results for the Israeli election aren’t even in yet, and I got a call from Bill Clinton.  He told me that he would be very happy to conduct some direct diplomacy for us if Tzipi Livni get the prime minister post.  He’ll guarantee that he’ll have the Israelis and the Arabs sitting down and hammering out a peace process if he can just get with Tzipi and uh… in his words, reason with her.

He told me that he’s met her once before and she can be persuaded, but only by him, because he is the only one who can work with her, and “melt her icy exterior.”  I just couldn’t believe he put it that way.  I asked him what makes him think that Hillary will allow it.  Bill told me that Hillary can take the credit for bringing about Middle East Peace, and that’ll be good for her, all he wants to do is to help himself.

I told him thanks, but we’ll start by letting the special envoy, George Mitchell have a crack at it first.  Then move from there.  Bill was not too happy, he said that George is a good guy, but wouldn’t know how to establish the right type of relationship with someone like Tzipi.  But he understands that I should try things my way first, even if it is a failure.

You know that Bill just keeps reminding me why I don’t like the Clintons.

The Spanker

Filed under: Domestic Policy,Economy,The Cabinet — fakepotus @ 5:58 am

You know, when a new administration comes in the Secret Service has a field day providing new code names to everyone.  I mean take Hillary for example, she is called 4th in line, and Joe is Big Mouth, I suggested for myself a name of upset kid, but the Secret Service guys declined it, since they said its their job to provide code names.  I asked and made them give me one exception though.  I got them to give Rahm Emmanuel the code name, The Spanker.

Now you people might wonder what kind of a code name that is.  Well, baby face (AKA Tim Geitner) found out today.  After that pathetic performance he gave today with his plan.  I felt it was only fair.  I was so disappointed with Geitner, he asked me for a clear field on Friday so that he could have the undivided attention of the country to unveil a plan that was better than what Hank Paulson provided.  Boy, did he disappoint.  After his rambling press conference, he managed to tank the stock market.

I didn’t believe it when Bush told me to becareful about the economy and to make the major announcements myself.  Since he said only the chief executive could restore confidence, don’t trust the underlings like he did with Paulson.  I didn’t listen, and did I pay for it today.  Could baby face have come up with a more vague plan… I’m talking transparency and he couldn’t even provide simple details on what he has in mind.  It’s so bad, not only did he tank the Dow, he is taking down Asia too.

So that’s where Rahm came in, after the day got done, I pulled The Spanker and Babyface into the same room, and I told Tim that he earned every bit of what he is getting.  Then I had him strip down, and told Rahm to get to work with the paddles.  After about the twentith stroke, baby face was in tears swearing he’ll do better.  I told him he’d better given all the trouble I got put through with his tax evading ass, or next time, he is not gonna be able to sit for a week.  So, if you guys see Tim walking a little funny tomorrow, that’s a reminder to all of you.  I’m giving all of you bozos the room the run with the ball, but if you screw up, The Spanker will be waiting.

February 2, 2009

Who won the last election?

Filed under: Economy,Politics,Republicans — fakepotus @ 3:18 am

So, you know I was looking at this past week as I’m cogitating this wonderful superbowl, and I had to ask Michelle exactly who won the last election.  I mean, we have control of the Congress right?  I am in the White House right?  So, what the heck is going on with this opposition from the Republicans?  I made nice with them too just a few days ago, I mean I sat in there nicely and listened to them.  Was very attentive, and I even made sure my party didn’t put in that $200 million for whatever it was that the Republicans were against.

This is just so dumb.  Not that it matters because the House still passed my bill.  Ok, now the senate better do the job.  I just have to turn one or two of the Elephants in the Senate, and the job will be done.  But for now, I’ll stay humble, and see if I can play one or two of those, may be a McCain or a Snow, or one of the other moderates.    Then I’ll have this thing done, and I can move onto my next deal.  Stupid Republicans, didn’t anyone tell them they lost the election?  Do they want to go from the minority party to the non-existent party? 

Now for those of you who are wondering why I did this.  It’s obvious isn’t it?  If there is a screw up, it’s Joe’s fault, just like if the Middle East falls apart, well, I have this superstar Hillary Clinton running it right?  So I can fire her ass if that happens, I gave her the ball and let her run with it, so succeed or else.  So, if either or both of them succeeds, See, it’s just like how Bush wanted to run his administration, like a CEO, except I don’t pretend to be like a CEO, I pretend like I’m the every man, but trust me, I’m not, I’m the best damn leader there is, I’m just humble about it.

January 24, 2009

Team of Rivals

Filed under: Democrats,Politics — fakepotus @ 7:01 am

It’s a great book, it really is.  I read it and I got a lot out of it, people should definitely study this excellent piece carefully and see the brilliance behind the man.  And Ab Lincoln was a great president, yes, he is the original Republican, but he was one smart guy and my hero.  He pulled in all of the opponents in the country, and he managed the country during the bloodiest war in our history.  He did it by using the old maxim, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  He succeeded brilliantly, and that’s the real point behind this fantastic book.

It’s a model I intend to emulate the best I can, and so far so good.  By pulling these two wonderful people, my bumbling idiot opponents to be my #2 and #4 respectively are at it.  It’s like giving morons ropes to hang themselves with, and they do it.  Dumbass Joe Biden who can’t shut his mouth even when his foot is stuck so far up it that it’s coming out of his ass.  And the bitch Hillary and her “smart power,” she sets up something so incredibly dumb and she think she’ll run the place.  Well, go ahead and try, honey, when you screw things up, I’ll toss your ass out on the street, and then I’ll never have to hear from you or Bill again.

So, what does this all mean?  It mean I’m not as dumb as people think when I pick up Bill’s old colleagues.  Yeah, they got to Richardson, but I have my own people, and they’re more energetic, younger, savvier, and most importantly, smarter.  Joe, don’t expect Obama/Biden signs in ’12, and Hillary, get your resume updated, I expect three years at best if you keep going like this.  Hope you like retirement, because you’re not coming out of it this time.

Closing Gitmo…

Filed under: Foreign Policy,Homeland Security,Terrorism — fakepotus @ 6:34 am

I am a man of my word.  When I said I am going to close Gitmo, I meant it, when I said, no more torture, I meant it.  And I did it.  No more detention centers, no more secret prisons for the CIA, no more waterboarding.  Change is here, and I keep my word.  I said that I was going to make sure that we don’t compromise between our principles and keeping our people safe.  

Now, we know closing Gitmo isn’t going to happen overnight.  In spite of the fact that many of these people are real terrorists that deserve death, we cannot just throw them in prison, yet we can’t just convict them, because even though we have more than enough evidence and intelligence to know they’re guilty, some of the evidence were obtained illegally.  People like KSM are truly dangerous, and they can’t be let go.  I also can’t just have these guys released into the general population, because they are dangerous as heck.  I can’t just send them back to their home countries, but some of them don’t even have countries that want them.  So, we have to take our time to sort out what to do with these people and do it so it’s all open.

The thing of course that bothers me the most is that this is all Bush’s fault.  Why did he have to be so open, intelligence has always been a very closed business.  We don’t tell our people about our successes, we don’t tell people about our methods, and we sure as heck don’t open prisons in the open.  So, now, thanks to rendition, we’ve lost some of our capabilities.   Well, no more.  We are going to change things around here.  I promise you all, America will be safe, and we won’t torture.  

Consider this for example, we will continue our fight against Al Qaeda, except we won’t advertise any more.  These are just going to be suspected things, we will from now on neither confirm or deny.  Terrorists are going to die, they are going to talk, but they sure as hell are not going to be going to a nice comfortable prison, given prayer mats, fed nice meals.  I have better things to do with our money.

So, I had a short discussion with the operations guys in the company, I told them, you guys do what you have to, don’t get caught, because if you do, you have no cover, and you’ll go to prison.  Otherwise, don’t leave any evidence, and no bodies, and no frigging prisons, don’t waterboard because it costs too much money, bamboo shoots under the thumb nails.  If they still don’t talk, conveniently drop them off with the Egyptians, the Israelis, the Thais, and say, we need the info, and we don’t care what you do with the bodies.  But bottom line, don’t get caught, and don’t let America get attacked, cause if you do, no pension for you guys.

See, I know how to handle things, I have the audacity to hope, and sure enough, things will get better, and people will love us for it.

January 21, 2009

Change is HERE

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 7:30 am

When I woke up this morning, I had to pinch myself.  Then I turned to Michelle and said, hey, this isn’t a dream right?  I am the president.  Her response?  Go back to bed, it’s still only 4 am.  That said, here I am tonight, in the White House.  Holy smoke, George wasn’t kidding when he said the kitchen staff was good.  After we got back from the balls, I went down for a slice of my favorite pizza, and let me tell you, they didn’t disappoint.

But I know the real work is just starting.  Take this confirmation situation with Clinton for example.  I got a call from David this morning telling me that Coryn out of Texas plan to oppose the nomination.  David was hopping mad that the Republicans were already playing politics.  But I knew better, I told David to calm down and think it through, who had the most to gain from this little demonstration?  Not Coryn, and it’s not like Bush or Cheney are pulling the strings any more.  It took David a few minutes, and he asked: “Clinton?”  I told him, yeah, that’s about right, don’t know how they pulled it off, but it doesn’t matter, they want the spotlight for a few minutes to try to ruin my day, but nobody will care because they’re yesterday’s news.  Now, they’ll fade into the night.

As for me, I’m just starting, I haven’t been president for more than 24 hours and the good news are already starting to roll in, from Gaza to Europe to Gitmo.  But I know what it’s about, the audacity of hope.  If you believe it, it’ll happen, and I am just starting.  This is now my time, and I intend to make the most of it.

January 20, 2009

Activities of the Last Day

Filed under: Democrats,Foreign Relations,International Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 5:30 am

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

January 14, 2009

Just how smart is George Bush?

Filed under: Democrats,Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 7:18 am

I swear that one of the smartest thing I did was to tell Barack that I’ll cooperate fully on domestic policies, especially in the economy.  I put it in simple terms to him right before New Years: “you tell me what you want to do, and I’ll do it, not just within reason, I’ll simply do it period, no comments, no extra conditions, you’re the new guy, you’re gonna have a touch job, I’m here to help.”  And what am I but a man of my word.  Last week, I made the request.  Just like Barack asked, and this week, just like the pal I am.

And what am I doing today?  Laughing my ass off over the inevitable confrontation that I knew would result.  What do I call this?  Delicious.  I meant what I said earlier about the fact that just because I’m on my way out, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.  Honestly though, it was more about trying to make sure Barack saw the reality of the situation.  Back when he was campaigning, he kept talking about the presidency with too much power.  Now that he is in charge, I know just how much he appreciate the power that Dick and I have gathered in the executive branch.  The power that Barack is now going to wield and be effective in making the American people strong and vibrant.

But I had to show him something first, and that was that his pals in Congress aren’t his pals any more.  They’re a bunch of lunatic wild dogs ready to throw him and granny under the bus for their political gain the first chance they get.  The good Lord knows I’ve had that experience with those jerks in my own party.  I had told Barack in my first meeting with him that he has to stand for his own principles, even if everyone else hates him for it and is trying to stab him in the back.  It happened to me, look at the Republican controlled Congress in 2004 to 2006, I handed those assholes control on a platter, and instead of doing good for the people, they fucked things over.  I warned Barack that this might happen, so I orchestrated this little showdown between him and pa Reid and ma Pelosi.  Sure enough, Barack saw through the bullshit that Congress tried to dish out to him.  And he slapped them around immediately with the veto, and he isn’t even the president yet.  I know this much, as I leave this office, I leave it in very capable hands.  Barack, it’s now all you, buddy, make us proud.

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