The Personal Journal of POTUS

February 22, 2009

A Courtesy Call

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 6:26 pm
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On Friday, I called up my predecessor.  It’s been a month since I took over from him, and I thought I should see how he is doing.  I had heard from one of my colleagues that he called Bill Clinton about a month after he left office, and I thought it would be nice to extend that courtesy.

I caught him apparently out on a bike ride, so I chatted up with him for a bit.  I asked him how he was settling in and what he is doing.  He told me that he was doing fine for the most part, still adjusting to the fact that he doesn’t have to get up in the morning to listen to the briefing from the company, and having to get Laura coffee.  He told me that he kind of missed the White House chefs since they were so damned good, but otherwise, he is getting used to being an ordinary guy.  As far as Secret Service allows him to be.

I reminded him that if he thinks he needs protection down the road, I’m happy to get an executive order in place.  George just laughed it off, and told me that he could take care of himself.  He told me that the last trip in Iraq, a second journalist threw a shoe at him, this time off camera, and so knowing he had a freer hand, he caught the shoe and threw it back into the guy’s face.  And then he told the security to let the guy up, and then told the guy to take a free shot at him.  Apparently, he had ordered Secret service to stand down, and do nothing, so this guy tried a quick punch to the face, and George apparently caught his fist, and then twisted his arm until the guy started crying uncle.

Anyway, not sure if I believe that one, but I told him my offer remains open, and if he wants to come up to the White House for a visit, just let Rahm know, and he is welcome any time.  It’s nice not having to worry about your immediate predecessor make comments about all your decisions at every opportunity, unlike some other president who shall remain unnamed.

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January 21, 2009

Change is HERE

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 7:30 am

When I woke up this morning, I had to pinch myself.  Then I turned to Michelle and said, hey, this isn’t a dream right?  I am the president.  Her response?  Go back to bed, it’s still only 4 am.  That said, here I am tonight, in the White House.  Holy smoke, George wasn’t kidding when he said the kitchen staff was good.  After we got back from the balls, I went down for a slice of my favorite pizza, and let me tell you, they didn’t disappoint.

But I know the real work is just starting.  Take this confirmation situation with Clinton for example.  I got a call from David this morning telling me that Coryn out of Texas plan to oppose the nomination.  David was hopping mad that the Republicans were already playing politics.  But I knew better, I told David to calm down and think it through, who had the most to gain from this little demonstration?  Not Coryn, and it’s not like Bush or Cheney are pulling the strings any more.  It took David a few minutes, and he asked: “Clinton?”  I told him, yeah, that’s about right, don’t know how they pulled it off, but it doesn’t matter, they want the spotlight for a few minutes to try to ruin my day, but nobody will care because they’re yesterday’s news.  Now, they’ll fade into the night.

As for me, I’m just starting, I haven’t been president for more than 24 hours and the good news are already starting to roll in, from Gaza to Europe to Gitmo.  But I know what it’s about, the audacity of hope.  If you believe it, it’ll happen, and I am just starting.  This is now my time, and I intend to make the most of it.

January 6, 2009

Behold, My Mighty Hand

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 6:04 am

I got up this morning, and I hear from Karl this little nugget.  I immediately call up my old buddy Bill and have a conversation with him.  The transcript pretty much speaks for itself.

GWB:  Bill, what are you doing?  What’s with the staffing Obama’s administration with your people?  I mean I know all the media morons believe this crap about team of rivals, but all I see is Bill Clinton’s third term.

BC:  George, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

GWB: Come off it Bill, I know what’s going on, Hillary as secretary of state, your guy in Justice as AG, Leon heads up the company.  Then the kicker, Bill Richardson voluntarily removes himself from consideration.  Not to mention all of those people from your administration in the various economic post Obama has filled.

BC: How do you know, it’s not Obama making these decisions, as for poor Bill, his decision to not seek the post is because of this contract thing.  You know how it is.

GWB: Bill, you know, contrary to popular belief, I’m really not a dumb monkey.  Everybody knows there is all this special backslapping and under the table deals going on, but somehow, only Richardson gets slapped down.  Then of course, there is this Blagojevich thing… tell me, is Patrick Fitzgerald on your payroll or something?  I mean this whole thing in Illinois is just the kind of thing you’d pull to distract a poor guy like Obama and slide other things under the door on him.

BC: Okay, okay, that’s enough.  Yes, I am pulling the strings here.  Fuck, what did you think?  I was just gonna go quietly away after eight years?  Remember George, I was supposed to have had my third term through that dummy Al Gore back in 2001, but that moron was so stupid, he managed to lose his own home state.  Then I have no influence in the White House.  I don’t get to run things in the shadow during 9/11 and Iraq.  I’m important… ok?

GWB: Come on, Bill, we all had our turn, my dad didn’t try to influence me.  You should let Barack have his time in the sun, he’s the president, let him find his own way.

BC: Hell no, George, did you lose your balls or something?  Let me tell you, Hillary was my way back into the White House, but then along comes this audacity of hope bullshit, and here I am in July looking from the outside in.  But remember, just like you have Karl Rove, I have guys like Jimmy Carville, those old southern hands are the best at politics.  So, he comes up with this backdoor strategy that I’m executing.  But I tell you, I’m not one to forget stupidity or betrayal.  Think about it, how meaningful is Al Gore these days, he makes a fucking movie, and Hollywood and the lefties think its something.  Everybody with brains know that this green movement is because you were driving the price of oil up, and forcing a tough choice on people.  Only idiots like Friedman would think Al Gore is an intellectual giant ahead of his time.  As for that fat Judas in New Mexico, well, he stabbed me in the back by endorsing Obama, and now that shithole in New Mexico is the highest he’ll ever get.  I’m getting my third, and fucking fourth term, I’m Bill Clinton.

GWB: Geez, Bill, calm down, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack the way you’re going.  I knew you were hard up to keep leading, but come on, you had your turn.

BC: What?  You mean you don’t think I was a great leader?

GWB: That’s not what I mean, you did a lot, but let somebody else have a chance.  Heck, you let me have my time.

BC: That’s because Dick, Karl, Rumsfeld and all your Texas pals were insulating you, so I couldn’t influence you all that much.  I deserve another two terms, FDR had four terms, did you know that?  I should have at least six.

GWB: Ok, that’s enough already, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.  Just don’t screw things up with these games ok?  I think Obama is actually a pretty good guy.  But don’t fuck up the CIA too much, I tell you, this Panetta appointment scares me.  Morale at the company matters, okay?  Hayden’s done a great job, don’t screw with the agency.  Don’t let them become ineffective.

BC: Look George, don’t worry about it, I know the agency is your turf and your dad’s turf.  Panetta is my personal puppet, he’ll do what I tell him.  And, I still do put America first.  Anyway, enough about this, I don’t want to keep talking about it over the phone.  You never know who is listening.

GWB: Bill, don’t be so paranoid, this is the most secure phone in the solar system. So, you still coming to the initiation on Wednesday?

BC: Hell yeah, it’s my third term, of course I’m coming.  And this time I won’t even be on the receiving end…. ha ha.  See ya on Wednesday, George.

Well, that was my conversation with Bill.  Honestly, I’m worried about him, I wonder if this is too much abuse from Hillary or if Bill is really this devious all along.

November 13, 2008

Retirement

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 6:34 am
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It’s been a busy week so far, and I haven’t had much time to reflect until the last few days.  Thought about the call I made to Bill on Sunday before the Obamas came to visit, I actually asked him a few questions about how he handled retirement.  I told Bill that I was a bit at a loss for what I’d do next.

Bill was his ever effusive self, told me not to worry about it, it’ll come soon enough.  First, I could catch up on all these great books that came out the last few years, play some golf, may be go jogging from state to state, or I could probably write a book or two.  That was just leisurely stuff.  Then there is the possibility of doing charity work.  Bill was telling me he was looking for a new partner anyway since dad isn’t traveling quite as much in the last few years.  Bill was adamant that he didn’t want to hang out with Carter or Gore, the former is a nutjob, and Al is trying his hand at venture capitalism.  Bill chuckled a little at that one.

The talk with Bill really did help though.  At least it got me started thinking about what to do next.   I know I have a few regrets about the time I’ve spent in the White House.  Hell, actually, I have a lot of regrets, beyond those that I whined to the media about, but then I guess there is only so much time one has as a president.   Could’ve done a lot more for education, too bad I didn’t have the time to spend on that one.  Ah well.  The book is actually something I started on already, it’ll probably be out in a couple of years or so.  Got a few guys who I’ve been bouncing ideas off of over the last few weekends.  So, I guess retirement won’t be that bad.

May be I ought to focus my post-White House efforts on our veterans.  I sure had put a lot of them in harm’s way in the last seven years.  But, the door is wide open in the future.  Or, may be I can take up a job as a counselor, you know, I could look into people’s eyes, see into their souls, and all that.  So, retirement might not be so bad after all.

August 7, 2008

Congress Takes a Break

Congress continues to stonewall on off shore drilling. Leadership is just sadly lacking in Congress, heck, I even started the ball rolling by lifting the moratorium on offshore drilling, I figure it’s my last year in office, what the heck. I’ll give Congress some cover, take the heat from the environmentalists. But do these guys pick up the ball? Do they even try to help?

No, instead these bozos decided last week that it was time to go on vacation, give it five weeks and hope the oil come down. It’s like they don’t get it, they figure that if oil prices are falling, may be prices at the pump will go down, and nobody will remember by the time they come back. Talk about burying your head in the sand, Pelosi and Reid are just evil. You know, I suppose if I were purely political I wouldn’t care so much, since it just gives us Republicans a wedge issue on energy when we get back in September. But you know, the longer you people take the worse it becomes.

I keep telling you moronic Democrats, that you can’t just gap over onto renewable energy the tomorrow, you have to keep using oil for a while until you build up enough capacity from renewables take over. But you still don’t get it. There isn’t going to be more capacity unless we put it in place, and that’s only an interim until enough renewables come up to take over. I mean hell, even Obama gets it. Add in some other proposals, the Republicans are fine with it, conservation is fine, more PTC for renewables, great. I think comprehensive policy is what we need, hell, it’s what I’ve been pushing for on an energy policy since I came into office. Yet, even now Pelosi is shouting shrilly “hands off our coast,” and as for Harry, he is not in agreement “with every part of it,” hey Harry, what do you agree with? Anything?

But I suppose not all of you are morons. There are at least five Democrats who see the light of day, I wonder if that means they’re in battleground states come November. I suppose it doesn’t matter, as long as you guys try to get a comprehensive policy put together, I’m with ya. You know, you Democrats need to stop playing election year politics, and coddling the environmental groups, they’re gonna vote for you anyway. They’d be crazy not to, so, blow the fuckers off, and do the comprehensive energy bill like I wanted for the last few years. Do it before the elections come up.

Well, at least my part is done, I can put up a few calls to the more open minded Democrats, but that’s all for now. Well, time to sign off and head on to the opening ceremonies in Beijing. I am look forward to some good Chinese food.

August 4, 2008

Underlings

The problem with being the president is that I can’t do everything. I mean I need to deal with the foreign issues as well as domestic. Now, the ability of any good leader, or CEO is to be able to delegate authority. I think for the most part I’ve done a fair job. But I really depend on my underlings. I have some good ones, Condi, Hayden, Gates, heck, even Powell and Rummy when they were working for me. But sadly, I’m just can’t pick winners all the time… case in point, these two guys. I call them the Abbot and Costello of my cabinet, except I don’t get any laughs out of these guys.

I picked Bernake because Greenspan thought he was a good guy, and as for Hank Paulson, you know, I had some recommendations from some street guys, and I figure, well, if he made partner at Goldman Sachs, he ain’t no dummy. Boy, was I wrong, and I literally had to eat those bad decisions with that stupid housing bill I signed last week. Even now, I can’t stomach the thought of this.

I told Ben back in January of 2007 that he should think about lowering rates a bit, but what do I get from the professor. Oh no, Mr. President, wouldn’t do that at all, inflation you know, Euro rising. Hello, baldy, what did I tell you, you have to worry about all these ARMs that are gonna come due. Otherwise, people can’t refinance and things will go bad. Did he listen? No… of course not. Now you see what I’m talking about, and it’s too late.

So, when he finally realizes that the economy is in trouble, he doesn’t lower rates fast enough to calm the market. Then he goes and bail out Bear Stearns. Ben, what did I tell you about these institutions, you bail one of them out, and they’re all gonna be lining up at the window looking for a handout. Of course, baldy (the other one) decides it’s a good idea, so he blabs about the necessity of bailing out Bear Stearns.

Fast forward three months down the road, look who we have to bail out now… Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Of course, this doesn’t go far enough, then Bernake extends the discount window for the major financial companies until January of next year. Hello, these guys don’t need the frigging money, they have a ton of it, the problem is they don’t want to let anyone borrow anything because they are afraid of losing their money. If you are so interested in making sure people can borrow money that badly, why don’t you go ahead and just have the Treasury make loans. I mean it’s the ordinary people that needs the cash, and not the banks. Can’t you see that? You lowered rates so much, but the mortgage rates keep rising. It’s like you guys are bailing out water with a little pail, and on the other end, some jerk offs are laughing in your face and dumping in water with an industrial size pump.

Of course, Hank is whining about how some of these financial institutions can’t be allowed to fail. So here comes the scheme to protect these financial institutions from being shorted… mind you, not every financial institution or even every stock like the way the rule is supposed to work, but just nineteen institutions. I wonder if Hank is trying to help out his buddies or something. I mean, you guys let Indy Mac fail, why that, and not Bear Stearns? Talk about favoritism. Then there is Congress, they want to bail out everyone in sight, and they come up with this lame ass housing bill, which for all practical purposes bail out all these investors in housing.

This whole thing sucks, I mean I know you’re supposed to be helping, but at this point the weak needs to be weeded out and not coddled. If a bank fails because it’s a poor business, you let it fail. That’s the way things are done, let a few of them fail, and the rest will be even stronger. Look at JP Morgan Chase, look at Bank of America, do you see them falling over? But this advice is wasted. So what happens? I get Paulson coming up to me and telling me all this bullshit about confidence and propping up the credit market, and all that. Dude, if you did your job, I wouldn’t be in this position.

I suppose I should be thankful they’re not doing a McClellan yet and writing books. Anyway, the bill is signed into law, just what we need, more deficits, and more frigging government. Thank God, I’ll be leaving in six months.

July 15, 2008

My Energy Policy

As I look out, one of the things that I will most regret is not being able to finish up the work on energy that I started. I told people that one of our greatest needs as a country is energy independence, and we started working on it. But the job takes longer than the two terms I have in office, I think if as a country we really worked on it, about two presidencies after Barack Obama, we should be in pretty decent shape.

Now, a lot of whiners have complained that the administration hasn’t done anything substantive, but that’s just pure nonsense. Cheney has been working on the problem around the clock since he got into office, yes, the meetings had to be secret, we don’t want a bunch of non-experts pitching in their two cents and then make a pigsty out of the whole thing. The plan that was put into place was simple, and elegant, but ultimately takes a long time because we’re a democracy, and everything in a democracy takes time.

So, first, we had to quantify the problem. We knew we were using too much oil, and it’s a resource we’ll run out of eventually, so we had to go find some alternatives. So, the first step is to come up with short term solution that can alleviate some of the problems. This is part of the reason why we had been pushing alternatives like nuclear and corn based ethanol from day one, not because it’s necessarily the cleanest technology or the most efficient, but it’s mature enough to be put on line quickly and can get the easiest backing from the slogs in Congress since it appealed to their basest interest, the farm subsidies.

The second step was to get some more oil exploration and drilling going on in this country. Why? Because it’s necessary, now most of the loonies would have you believe that oil is just used in transportation and energy generation, but that’s far from the truth, we have other products like plastics that require oil, there isn’t a way around that yet. So, we need to keep the oil supply stable as much as possible. Besides that, even if we drill for oil off the continental shelf and in Alaska, it takes about ten years or more to get that capacity on line. The capacity would serve as a nice stopgap to soften price shocks like the one we see now while we build up the infrastructure and technology for alternative energy, and would still be useful for other applications after we move our transportation and energy generation needs off to other sources. Yes, assholes, we need to build up infrastructure, the technology for efficient solar for example didn’t really start to happen until recently and still hasn’t reached pricing parity with oil and natural gas yet. Wind energy can’t be put in place tomorrow because both it and solar doesn’t have the infrastructure – the revamped power grid – to support it.

The last step is to build up infrastructure, both short term and long term. For the short term, we need more refining capacity of oil so we don’t get shocks at the gas pumps like what happened during Katrina. For the long term, we need to build up the infrastructure to support these alternative sources of energy so that it can get to the public quicker. But for that, we had to get the market involved, unlike a certain dictator in South America, we can’t just nationalize everything and mandate it, because it doesn’t work. This part would take private industry to make it work, and what motivates private industry? MONEY… that’s right, does anyone think T. Boone Pickens is running the ads on wind and natural gas because he wants to hug bunny rabbits? Do you think John Doerr and the Silicon Valley venture capitalists pigs that are backing alternative energy because they like throwing away their money? For that to happen, of course, oil prices had to go up, so then the alternatives would seem more attractive, and people can make money off of it.

Now there is energy efficiency. We can definitely do more there, but just like solar, you’d have to have the technology in place before we can do this stuff. In 2001, when I came into office, hybrid cars were barely starting up, and even then we couldn’t just mandate it because it would’ve wrecked the auto companies, and hurt the economy, and then we’d have no money to pay for alternative energy.

Last, but most important is psychology. Now, people might be wondering what does psychology have to do with energy efficiency or alternative energy. Well, it’s simple. Until the average joe sees the problem, i.e. get pinched in the pocket books with high gas prices, they aren’t going to want to change. If the public doesn’t support this, then it ain’t gonna fly. Until GM can make money on the mass market with plug ins and get the supporting infrastructure, people aren’t going to want to buy their electric cars, because they’ll feel too limited. Look at EV1, it doesn’t have the ability to go far without recharge, and there weren’t many places to recharge back then, so it flopped.

The visionaries are the people who know that change is needed, and how we can bring about change in a measured fashion that doesn’t wreck everything else. Lead by example, just look at my house in Crawford, a model design for energy efficiency if there ever was one. But to make everyone else think on the same lines, there has to be something in it for them, and that something is MONEY, just like the venture capitalists, people care about what value they can get for their buck. Now, because of the soaring gas prices, people are aware, and they’re willing to now buy more hybrids, use compact fluorescent bulbs, and invest in double pane windows. Why? Because they want to get more bang for the buck.

In the long run, when all of these things happen, we can be energy independent. The solution isn’t something of a short term fix, like the idiot Nancy Pelosi was suggesting… open up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR), hello, moron, that’s for national emergencies, like when nobody else ships us oil, and our own capacity isn’t online because you’ve blocked it, it’s not for lowering oil price for the short term. What would you like? To saddle the American people with even more debt when we have to fill it again later at even higher prices?

My biggest regret is that I can only start the job, and not finish it, this doesn’t sit too well with the Texan in me, but that’s the way it is. I couldn’t just go to Congress, because then, like my social security plan, nothing will come out of it, and this is too important. But like Cheney told me, we have to get the ball rolling even if it is uphill. The next guy in this chair is still going to have to push the ball uphill a bit more, but I think Obama will have an easier time once he does this for a bit, because the hard part is already done, now that the market is getting involved, things will start to happen faster. So, my part of the job is done, I’ve managed to generate interests and awareness, and it’s all downhill from here.

Tony Snow

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 3:31 am
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For those who hadn’t heard yet, Tony Snow, my previous press secretary passed away over the weekend. Tony was just a great guy, even though he was battling cancer the second time, he still found time to work at the White House. Just a classy guy all around, now I remember when he was on the radio and on Fox News, he kept criticizing the administration and me on various policy decisions. But once he joined the team, he never brought his complaint up in public, if he disagreed, he told me about it in private, but always did his job like a pro and worked well with the White House Press, who can be a bunch of assholes from time to time. But Tony was a great guy, and did a lot for this administration, and I for one will miss him, not only for his candor, but loyalty, unlike a certain other know-it-all-book-writing-backstabbing-fat press secretary from Austin who shall not be named here.

Anyway, Laura and I send our condolences to Tony’s family. He was just a classy guy all around.

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