The Personal Journal of POTUS

March 5, 2009

Nancy and I

Filed under: Democrats,Leadership,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 6:00 am

There is this entertaining poll out on Newsweek about Nancy.  It appears that the media and all the haters want to stir up trouble between me and my esteemed colleague, who is a fine and upstanding woman and a wonderful speaker of the House.  And also incidentally sandwiches between second (Biden) and fourth (Clinton) in the line of succession.  Now, being in that important position, I am constantly talking with Nancy so that she is informed of what’s going on in case her services are ever required.

Now I know that she and I have some genuine points that we disagree on.  Iraq for example, I think we need to make Iraq a success, and under my administration, we will.  Nancy thinks it’s time to cut the losses and move on.  We respectfully disagree, that’s always true of colleagues and allies, but the key here is respect.  Nancy respects my position as the leader of the country, and I respect her as the leader of the House.  So, all of this conservative chatter is just their way of trying to drive a non-existent wedge between us.

The good people of the country know better.  I have a job to do, and I’m going to be saving this country one step at a time.  Take a look at the progress of the last two weeks, a bank rescure plan, a budget, a strategy on Iraq, and that’s just for starters.  Wait till you see what I pull out of the hat next.  I’ve been doing something that has been sorely  lacking in the country for a while, something we call leadership.  Trust me, friends, you are all in good hands with me.


January 20, 2009

Activities of the Last Day

Filed under: Democrats,Foreign Relations,International Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 5:30 am

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

January 14, 2009

Just how smart is George Bush?

Filed under: Democrats,Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 7:18 am

I swear that one of the smartest thing I did was to tell Barack that I’ll cooperate fully on domestic policies, especially in the economy.  I put it in simple terms to him right before New Years: “you tell me what you want to do, and I’ll do it, not just within reason, I’ll simply do it period, no comments, no extra conditions, you’re the new guy, you’re gonna have a touch job, I’m here to help.”  And what am I but a man of my word.  Last week, I made the request.  Just like Barack asked, and this week, just like the pal I am.

And what am I doing today?  Laughing my ass off over the inevitable confrontation that I knew would result.  What do I call this?  Delicious.  I meant what I said earlier about the fact that just because I’m on my way out, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.  Honestly though, it was more about trying to make sure Barack saw the reality of the situation.  Back when he was campaigning, he kept talking about the presidency with too much power.  Now that he is in charge, I know just how much he appreciate the power that Dick and I have gathered in the executive branch.  The power that Barack is now going to wield and be effective in making the American people strong and vibrant.

But I had to show him something first, and that was that his pals in Congress aren’t his pals any more.  They’re a bunch of lunatic wild dogs ready to throw him and granny under the bus for their political gain the first chance they get.  The good Lord knows I’ve had that experience with those jerks in my own party.  I had told Barack in my first meeting with him that he has to stand for his own principles, even if everyone else hates him for it and is trying to stab him in the back.  It happened to me, look at the Republican controlled Congress in 2004 to 2006, I handed those assholes control on a platter, and instead of doing good for the people, they fucked things over.  I warned Barack that this might happen, so I orchestrated this little showdown between him and pa Reid and ma Pelosi.  Sure enough, Barack saw through the bullshit that Congress tried to dish out to him.  And he slapped them around immediately with the veto, and he isn’t even the president yet.  I know this much, as I leave this office, I leave it in very capable hands.  Barack, it’s now all you, buddy, make us proud.

January 11, 2009

What’ll They Name After Me?

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 5:12 pm

Couple days ago, I was out in Norfolk with Dad to see the Navy commission an Aircraft Carrier in his name.  It was a pretty proud moment actually.  The ship was fantastic, I had a quick tour, and I thought it was really cool that dad had a brand new ship named after him.  It was neat to actually see the bottle break over the hull.  Of course, it’s not the first time they put the ship in water, but I would love to get a chance to be on the ship a few years from now when it’s tooling around somewhere in the ocean.

Seeing this though got me to thinking, what would people name after me.  I mean I don’t really expect much, but you know if you see dad being able to receive an honor, it would be nice to receive the same honor yourself.  Now, the sewage plant was just plain insulting, but that’s what you’d expect for California, well, at least the loony northern part of it where they don’t understand respect for fellow human beings, and that they’d actually waste time talking about something like that rather than doing something serious, like balancing their budgets.  I also love this idea they have of flushing all these toilets, here is California with its chronic water shortage, and these so called environmentalists want to waste more of it.  Just goes to confirm my theory that those loonies up in San Francisco are all a bunch of crazy hypocrites.  But I digress, may be they won’t name a ship after me, I wonder if I can get the air force to name one of their new bombers after me, kind of like how they named the B-2s, with Spirit of Kansas and so forth.  I hope they try something more interesting though, like Hand of Bush, or Wrath of George.  Heh heh, that would be kind of funny.

Anyway, just a few more days of this now, the packing is still going on furiously, although I have to say, the perks of the presidency is still there, I can still enjoy the White House kitchen for a few more days.  Thinking today should be some type of BBQ chicken pizza, or may be some Curry.

January 9, 2009

My Retirement Plans

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 5:32 am

Now, amidst all the hoopla of the coming inaguration, there is likely this little nugget that has been missed by the media.  So, what does it really mean?  Usually all these kills are classified, and only the top most recognizable kills are leaked to the media.  But these guys are practically nobodies.  All of this is just a tiny little reminder that I’m still the president for the next 10 days.

Yes, my time of near paralysis in Washington is nearly over, Thank God.  Now, I can start doing my real service for America.  A quick sample of my physical prowess here.  Just watch those reflexes.   Now, for those who know me, this isn’t a surprise, I am in top physical shape, heck, just ask the Secret Service guys that routinely go on jogs or bike rides with me.  But that isn’t even scratching the surface of what I can do.  If I had wanted to, I could’ve leapt across the room and beat the living tar out of the so called journalist.  But since I’m the president, well, I’m really constrained by what I can do.  But the chains are about to come off.

Let’s face it, for the last seven years, all I wanted to do is get dropped off in the tribal region of Pakistan and go to town on the bastards.  But I couldn’t do it as president, the secret service wouldn’t let me.  But that time is about to be over.   Let’s see I get out of here on the 20th.  I’ll take a month or so off in Dallas.  Then I’ll be good to go.   I already talked with Cheney, and a private jet has been chartered, the small arms are all packed.  Then somewhere around the ides of March, I’ll be parachuting into Pakistan.  George Bush the private citizen… is coming, just imagine my face up on Duke’s body, only about 10 time s buffer.

Fat boy Ayman, and skinny guy Osama, watch out, cause ol’George Bush is on his way.

January 8, 2009

Initiation Day

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 6:32 am
Tags: , , , , ,

As you have all heard by now, today was the get together lunch I threw for Barack along with all the other former living presidents.  Now contrary to what the lovely Dana has told all of the press, 1981 was not the last time all the former living presidents gotten together.  In fact, it happens quite a bit more often than you might think.  The last time it happened was a few days before my inauguration.  Of course, it’s not ever publicized.  But during the lunch, we all went to the secret White House Dungeon… now I know most of you might be shocked to hear such a thing, but it’s true.  There is one of those, and the only people allowed in are presidents and ex-presidents.  Dungeon is also a bit old fashioned, they think one of the presidents in the early 1800s named it that because he had such a flair for the dramatic.  But it’s been around as long as the White House.  Just upgraded, these days, it’s more sophisticated, there is a few scanners that determines who gets to enter; and then only the sitting president has the keys.

Now, what do we do down there?  Two things.  First, there is the secret initiation, you might think this is some Skull and Bones thing, but not really, think of it more like the Water Buffalo Lodge initiation that the Flintstones enjoy in the town of Bedrock.  Now before all of you PC whiners out there cry racism, or some other silly thing, each president has to go through this, it’s a tradition.  Each time, the incoming president gets paddled by his predecessors.  When all is said and done, the initiation is complete, then you’re the official president.  Then you get to the second thing, where the incoming president gets the keys to the dungeon, and it’s not opened again until just before the next new president getting inaugurated.

The paddles are actually small wooden paddles just like the one they use in the Flintstones, and no, you don’t have to strip.  Each ex-president, and the sitting president gets ten strokes, and that’s it.  It’s up to the guy swinging the paddle to determine how hard or soft the blow is.  I remember when I got in office, Dad was kind, Bill kind of took it to me with a vengeance, Carter was Carter, not too hard, Ford was also pretty gentle.  This time was no different, Dad, I and Carter all took it pretty easy, but Bill went to it with a gusto.  I think he likes dishing out punishment a little too much, or may be this is payback for Hillary losing the primary.  Either way, he enjoyed it a little too much.  Then, when all was said and done, we all congratulated Barack, I gave him his only key that will ever truly belong to him alone to the White House, and we welcomed him to the fraternity of presidents.

And with that, it was pretty much my last formal duty as president.  Now, have to get finished packing and move on back to Crawford.

December 31, 2008

Foreign Policy

As you all know, foreign policy has dominated my time in the White House, and let’s just face it, things haven’t really gotten better per se.  If I look back from the time Bill took over for dad to now, 16 years, and things haven’t really changed much.  Look at the mess in Gaza for example, and look at the rather muted reactions around the world, I say it’s rather mute since it’s the same old crap everybody spews every time there is a situation like Gaza, or Lebanon, or somewhere in Africa.  The world is outraged, the world is pissed, blah blah blah, but nothing really changes.  In a way, my conversation with Barack just yesterday reminds me of how I was when I entered the White House 8 years ago.

BO: George, what are you going to do about what’s happening in Gaza?  The Israelis are killing all these Palestinians, some of them innocent, and those fucking Hamas bastards just keep lobbing rockets and egging on the Israelis.

GWB: Barack, I’m doing exactly the same thing I’ve been doing the last eight years, and Bill had done during his time.  Pretty much nothing.  Condi is doing the normal bit of condemnation and call of cease fire, so are most of the others.  The Arab world condemns the Israelis.  Pretty much business as usual.

BO: George, how can you say that, people are dying… we need to do something… you need to do something.  I know the first thing I’m going to do is to send Hillary over to try to restart this peace process, hell, I’ll force the Israelis to talk with Hamas.

GWB: Barack, you know, I admire your enthusiasm, I was the same way when I got in.  I talked to Bill about his keeping up the effort to get Arafat and the Israelis together.  Bill just kinda told me what I’m telling you now.  That until you had a few years to deal with this crap,  you wouldn’t understand.

BO: What do you mean?  We’re talking about lives at stake here, every day we delay, more lives are lost.

GWB: Lots of people have tried, you know Tony Zinni was my special envoy there, I remember when I came out to the Rose Garden with Colin and said enough is enough to another round of suicide bombing.  But all that bluster, nothing got achieved.  Tony was all excited, but eventually he got so frustrated, that he just said it was because of Iraq that he’s getting nowhere.  It’s not easy you know.

BO: Well, we got to keep trying, George, I’m gonna send Hillary.

I laughed a bit here.

GW: You know, I’d rather suggest you send Bill over, I was talking to him the other day.  He’s keen to trying again, he told me that basically it was because he had to deal with two guys that he couldn’t get things to work.  But now on the Israeli side, they have that chick Tzipi Livni running the show and she’s got her eyes on the prime minister seat, and she reminds him of a hotter an younger Hillary, he figure he could just go over and melt her heart of ice with his charm, and get her to work with him.   The only thing is he needs a good looking woman from the Palestinian side, that way he figures a few hours of private time with them, and then, viola, instant solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem.

BO: You’re kidding me.

GW: When you’re at this as long as I am, you’ll see where I’m coming from.  Listen, don’t let an old guy bring you down.  You do what you think it’s necessary.  Hell, Roosevelt didn’t beat the Russians, neither did Ike, nor Kennedy, or Nixon.  You just have to keep working at it, I figure we’ve been laying the ground work, and eventually, things will get better, I won’t be around to see it, you might be, but may be not, but it won’t be another 30 years before they figure that mess out.

BO: You’re kidding me, 30 years?

GWB: Yep, those guys have to get tired of killing each other, and they really aren’t at that point yet.  Might not happen for at least that long.  Or may be you can work up a miracle or something, but you’re pragmatic enough to know when to just sheperd things along.

That was pretty much the conversation.  I don’t mean to sound so negative, but the Israeli and Arab thing are just gonna keep going until both sides decide it’s enough.  And the only thing the rest of the world can hope for is that they knock enough sense into each other before they all manage to kill each other.

December 27, 2008

The Fun Side of Life

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 8:42 am
Tags: ,

I am such a kidder… heh heh, you know, as I get closer to leaving office, I have more time to reminisce and relive my old days back in college.  I remember some of the pranks we pulled back then, like getting baking powder laced with sugar to one of freshman and telling him it was pure cocaine, and laughed our asses off as he tried to snort that stuff.  Or the time we got a couple of strippers and had them show up at the home of the dean, that was hilarious.

But as president, I’ve been all serious until now.  But today, I managed to pull one prank that I was rather proud of.  I told the air force to use one of their E-bombs on an island that were full of terrorists with WMDs.  Then, I got a couple of buddies in the Joint Chiefs to swap GPS coordinates, and we blacked out Oahu.  Five minutes after the black out, I called Barack on his cell phone, and asked him if he could turn on the TV with this late breaking story that’s just appearing on CNN about the Middle East.  I said that it would be good to get his advice.

Barack’s first reaction was to press me for more details, and then ask if my people could brief key members of the transition team.  I kept telling him that it’s all over the news, his people are probably seeing it now, and he needs to flip on the TV.  It takes him but a couple of second, and he comes right back and says: “Oh, ha ha, George, that’s a good one, you got me, nice black out.  A bit mean to screw with the vacation, but this is really good.  But wait till I’m president, then I’ll get you.”

I have to say, I’m impressed that Barack figured it out so fast, if it were an Al Gore or a John Kerry, they’d be frantic with worry about how the media would portray them in this dire situation and being out of touch.   Not Barack, he shook that one off like water on a duck.   That’s pretty slick.

I wonder how some other world leaders might react.  I am thinking may be next week, I’ll call Gordon Brown and tell him that I need him to redeploy the redcoats he’s pulling out of Basara to Africa, that it’s a dire emergency that only the British can handle.  Or may be I’ll call Olmert and tell him I’ll back any move he makes to Iran for the next 24 hours, and then call him off just before his planes reach their targets.  Oh man, the fun I can have with a touch of a few buttons.

December 15, 2008

Kinder, Gentler, that’s what history will say about me

Everybody hates me, I get it.  I mean take this journalist in Iraq, he tosses his shoes at me, he hates me, but really, why do you hate me?  Do you hate me because Iraq is free from the dictatorship of Saddam?  You know, you’re lucky pal, you’re only going to end up in Gitmo.   If I were Saddam, you’d be hanging by your ears now, with your balls shoved down your throat.  But with me, I’m kinder, gentler, you’ll only have to be in Gitmo where you’re provided with three hot meals a day, a prayer rug, directions to Mecca, and what else, oh yeah, 24 hour heavy metal.  See, what a difference that is.

So you want to blame me because I liberated your country from dictatorship.  Or is it that you hate me because I didn’t do the same in Egypt.  Well, whatever, history will be kinder compared to insignificant fleas like you.  You think Gitmo is not nice, well, buddy, don’t worry, you won’t be in Gitmo for too long, once I’m done, Barack will shut Gitmo down.  It’ll look good in the papers, but you my friend will be truly screwed, because nobody will talk about what happens to you terrorist types after the books are closed.  My mistake with Gitmo and other places like it is that I was too gentle, too open, I should’ve known better, the American people doesn’t care if the CIA cuts off someone’s balls and shoves it down their throats.  They care about government doing its job effectively, and making sure our people are safe.  See, I went for this kinder, gentler approach, and all it got me is the hassles of being in the spotlight of idiot reporters.

Barack, though is no dummy, he will have seen my mistake.  So, there will be nothing public like Gitmo, instead, he’ll farm all the unpleasent stuff out to the Egyptians, the Israelis, our buddies in Saudi Arabia and so forth.  So, my friend, I hope that you are happy knowing that you have just managed to annoy someone like me at the worst possible time.  You might have just had a few years of Gitmo and then be let go, now, you’re going to Gitmo still, and then you’ll disappear.  Kinder, and Gentler, don’t you wish you hadn’t thrown those size 10s?

December 13, 2008

Corruption??? What Corruption?

By now, no doubt everyone has heard about the wonderful governor of Illinois: Rod Blagojevich (can you have a more difficult to pronounce last name?)  Anyway, the current news is that he doesn’t want to go quietly.   Of course, the fact that much of the controversy is surrounding the senate seat vacated by Barack is another quiet storm that’s brewing.  So far Barack has done well to deflect the situation.  But I am proud to say this is one of these preemptive strikes that makes me feel good about the presidency.

I had heard about this investigation from Mukasey way back before the election, and I told him to keep it under wraps since I didn’t want it to taint the process.  Then when this senate seat came up, the US attorney in charge wanted to wait until he could bag the whole lot of them.  He said it would’ve been spectacular, and would have gotten certain members of Congress and a whole lot of people in the Illinois political machine.

I won’t name names of course, but let’s just say more than a few “leading” politicians in Illinois would’ve been wearing prison orange – including a certain representative in the House.  The deal was on the verge of getting made when I had the attorney in charge force the situation. Get the Governor before the deal is done I told him, otherwise start polishing your resume.  Now he was really unhappy about this.  After all, he could’ve had dozens of heads mounted on his wall, and now all he gets is Rod.  But I told him, he would be a hero for doing it.  It took a lot of persuasion, but eventually he charged Rod before any deal would get done.

Now, I know what I did doesn’t seem right, after all, I could’ve bagged a whole bunch of corrupt Illinois politicians and smeared a bunch of asshole I really didn’t like.   But I just couldn’t do it to Barack.  I mean, he is going to be our shining beacon of hope, I couldn’t have done something like this that’ll hopelessly taint him in the first months of his presidency.  There were talks going on, and even though his staffers supposedly didn’t directly involve themselves, there were too many things that would look bad in public.  So I did the right thing and shielded Barack. He has important things to do for the American people, and little things like this shouldn’t stand in his way.

Hopefully, it’ll be a lesson to the rest of those corrupt bastards, and give Barack a better chance of keeping those bozos in line.   You know, I almost feel like Batman at the end of Dark Knight, where he is the real hero but takes a bum rap.  But that’s just me.  Protecting America the best I can.

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