The Personal Journal of POTUS

March 13, 2009

Open Letter to China

Dear Chinese Leadership,

I, Barack Obama sincerely appreciate your thoughtful comments, and  generous acts of friendship in this difficult time.  I believe that our relationship is on the fast track since the visit by my esteemed secretary of State.

I would hope that my delightful sec State (aka 4th in line) conveyed my deepest gratitude for our lasting friendship, and you have my word if somehow there was a misinterpretation of her comments during the last visit, or perhaps a misunderstanding, I will speak with her regarding this issue.  I am certain that she would mend her ways so that she can maintain her jet setting ways to win peace and prosperity through diplomacy and SMART power.

Now, I appreciate your concern about our economy, let me just say that we fully plan to get our financial house in order on the finance side.  My genius Sec Treasury (aka babyface) is on the job. His actions have fully drawn the confidence and support of our allies in Europe, and I believe that a close examination of his handling the issues will provide you the same sense of assurance that our European friends have achieved.

As for the issues in the South China sea, my plan is to have an equally thoughtful response to your tactfully choreographed actions.  I look forward to a continued exchange of frank view of this matter, with a firm understanding of our relative positions (see page 66) in the world.  I fully anticipate that my message of hope will reach you and we will continue in a spirit of friendship that will endure far beyond our lifetime.


Barack H Obama


February 11, 2009

Clintonian Diplomacy

Filed under: Foreign Policy,International Relations — fakepotus @ 6:08 am

The results for the Israeli election aren’t even in yet, and I got a call from Bill Clinton.  He told me that he would be very happy to conduct some direct diplomacy for us if Tzipi Livni get the prime minister post.  He’ll guarantee that he’ll have the Israelis and the Arabs sitting down and hammering out a peace process if he can just get with Tzipi and uh… in his words, reason with her.

He told me that he’s met her once before and she can be persuaded, but only by him, because he is the only one who can work with her, and “melt her icy exterior.”  I just couldn’t believe he put it that way.  I asked him what makes him think that Hillary will allow it.  Bill told me that Hillary can take the credit for bringing about Middle East Peace, and that’ll be good for her, all he wants to do is to help himself.

I told him thanks, but we’ll start by letting the special envoy, George Mitchell have a crack at it first.  Then move from there.  Bill was not too happy, he said that George is a good guy, but wouldn’t know how to establish the right type of relationship with someone like Tzipi.  But he understands that I should try things my way first, even if it is a failure.

You know that Bill just keeps reminding me why I don’t like the Clintons.

January 20, 2009

Activities of the Last Day

Filed under: Democrats,Foreign Relations,International Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 5:30 am

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

December 31, 2008

Foreign Policy

As you all know, foreign policy has dominated my time in the White House, and let’s just face it, things haven’t really gotten better per se.  If I look back from the time Bill took over for dad to now, 16 years, and things haven’t really changed much.  Look at the mess in Gaza for example, and look at the rather muted reactions around the world, I say it’s rather mute since it’s the same old crap everybody spews every time there is a situation like Gaza, or Lebanon, or somewhere in Africa.  The world is outraged, the world is pissed, blah blah blah, but nothing really changes.  In a way, my conversation with Barack just yesterday reminds me of how I was when I entered the White House 8 years ago.

BO: George, what are you going to do about what’s happening in Gaza?  The Israelis are killing all these Palestinians, some of them innocent, and those fucking Hamas bastards just keep lobbing rockets and egging on the Israelis.

GWB: Barack, I’m doing exactly the same thing I’ve been doing the last eight years, and Bill had done during his time.  Pretty much nothing.  Condi is doing the normal bit of condemnation and call of cease fire, so are most of the others.  The Arab world condemns the Israelis.  Pretty much business as usual.

BO: George, how can you say that, people are dying… we need to do something… you need to do something.  I know the first thing I’m going to do is to send Hillary over to try to restart this peace process, hell, I’ll force the Israelis to talk with Hamas.

GWB: Barack, you know, I admire your enthusiasm, I was the same way when I got in.  I talked to Bill about his keeping up the effort to get Arafat and the Israelis together.  Bill just kinda told me what I’m telling you now.  That until you had a few years to deal with this crap,  you wouldn’t understand.

BO: What do you mean?  We’re talking about lives at stake here, every day we delay, more lives are lost.

GWB: Lots of people have tried, you know Tony Zinni was my special envoy there, I remember when I came out to the Rose Garden with Colin and said enough is enough to another round of suicide bombing.  But all that bluster, nothing got achieved.  Tony was all excited, but eventually he got so frustrated, that he just said it was because of Iraq that he’s getting nowhere.  It’s not easy you know.

BO: Well, we got to keep trying, George, I’m gonna send Hillary.

I laughed a bit here.

GW: You know, I’d rather suggest you send Bill over, I was talking to him the other day.  He’s keen to trying again, he told me that basically it was because he had to deal with two guys that he couldn’t get things to work.  But now on the Israeli side, they have that chick Tzipi Livni running the show and she’s got her eyes on the prime minister seat, and she reminds him of a hotter an younger Hillary, he figure he could just go over and melt her heart of ice with his charm, and get her to work with him.   The only thing is he needs a good looking woman from the Palestinian side, that way he figures a few hours of private time with them, and then, viola, instant solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem.

BO: You’re kidding me.

GW: When you’re at this as long as I am, you’ll see where I’m coming from.  Listen, don’t let an old guy bring you down.  You do what you think it’s necessary.  Hell, Roosevelt didn’t beat the Russians, neither did Ike, nor Kennedy, or Nixon.  You just have to keep working at it, I figure we’ve been laying the ground work, and eventually, things will get better, I won’t be around to see it, you might be, but may be not, but it won’t be another 30 years before they figure that mess out.

BO: You’re kidding me, 30 years?

GWB: Yep, those guys have to get tired of killing each other, and they really aren’t at that point yet.  Might not happen for at least that long.  Or may be you can work up a miracle or something, but you’re pragmatic enough to know when to just sheperd things along.

That was pretty much the conversation.  I don’t mean to sound so negative, but the Israeli and Arab thing are just gonna keep going until both sides decide it’s enough.  And the only thing the rest of the world can hope for is that they knock enough sense into each other before they all manage to kill each other.

December 15, 2008

Kinder, Gentler, that’s what history will say about me

Everybody hates me, I get it.  I mean take this journalist in Iraq, he tosses his shoes at me, he hates me, but really, why do you hate me?  Do you hate me because Iraq is free from the dictatorship of Saddam?  You know, you’re lucky pal, you’re only going to end up in Gitmo.   If I were Saddam, you’d be hanging by your ears now, with your balls shoved down your throat.  But with me, I’m kinder, gentler, you’ll only have to be in Gitmo where you’re provided with three hot meals a day, a prayer rug, directions to Mecca, and what else, oh yeah, 24 hour heavy metal.  See, what a difference that is.

So you want to blame me because I liberated your country from dictatorship.  Or is it that you hate me because I didn’t do the same in Egypt.  Well, whatever, history will be kinder compared to insignificant fleas like you.  You think Gitmo is not nice, well, buddy, don’t worry, you won’t be in Gitmo for too long, once I’m done, Barack will shut Gitmo down.  It’ll look good in the papers, but you my friend will be truly screwed, because nobody will talk about what happens to you terrorist types after the books are closed.  My mistake with Gitmo and other places like it is that I was too gentle, too open, I should’ve known better, the American people doesn’t care if the CIA cuts off someone’s balls and shoves it down their throats.  They care about government doing its job effectively, and making sure our people are safe.  See, I went for this kinder, gentler approach, and all it got me is the hassles of being in the spotlight of idiot reporters.

Barack, though is no dummy, he will have seen my mistake.  So, there will be nothing public like Gitmo, instead, he’ll farm all the unpleasent stuff out to the Egyptians, the Israelis, our buddies in Saudi Arabia and so forth.  So, my friend, I hope that you are happy knowing that you have just managed to annoy someone like me at the worst possible time.  You might have just had a few years of Gitmo and then be let go, now, you’re going to Gitmo still, and then you’ll disappear.  Kinder, and Gentler, don’t you wish you hadn’t thrown those size 10s?

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