The Personal Journal of POTUS

March 13, 2009

Wish they were in charge

Filed under: Economy,Foreign Relations — fakepotus @ 2:21 pm

There are times when I think the world is just plain unfair.  We have an economic crisis, and what we need is hope and decisive action, but instead our European partners, those who had  been liberal and thoughtful has been replaced in the recent years by those who are conservative and not so much forward thinking.

The “united” opposition planed for the G20 to my suggestions that we need to further stimulate our economy is troubling.  Both Merkel and Sarkozy have decided to oppose me in terms of economic policy.  What we need now is not more naysaying and second guessing, we need coordinated actions to bring the world out of the current economic crisis.

That means we need to do what must be done by further boosting the role of government in order to ensure that the world economy is in good shape.  At times like this, I wish my old friends Chirac and Schroder were still in charge.  I’m sure they’d see eye to eye with me.  After all, they opposed Bush philosophically, so I expect agreement with my policies.  How can anyone other than cynics oppose hope.  It is my hope that the people of France and Germany see how their current leaders have led them on the wrong path, and will push for new leadership in the near future.

Part of me does wonder though, is it just that these are conservatives who are opposed to freethinkers that can lift the country from its doldrums, or is it more a case that France and Germany must forever oppose the will of the US.  I must ponder this, if it is truly the later, then this is troubling indeed.

Open Letter to China

Dear Chinese Leadership,

I, Barack Obama sincerely appreciate your thoughtful comments, and  generous acts of friendship in this difficult time.  I believe that our relationship is on the fast track since the visit by my esteemed secretary of State.

I would hope that my delightful sec State (aka 4th in line) conveyed my deepest gratitude for our lasting friendship, and you have my word if somehow there was a misinterpretation of her comments during the last visit, or perhaps a misunderstanding, I will speak with her regarding this issue.  I am certain that she would mend her ways so that she can maintain her jet setting ways to win peace and prosperity through diplomacy and SMART power.

Now, I appreciate your concern about our economy, let me just say that we fully plan to get our financial house in order on the finance side.  My genius Sec Treasury (aka babyface) is on the job. His actions have fully drawn the confidence and support of our allies in Europe, and I believe that a close examination of his handling the issues will provide you the same sense of assurance that our European friends have achieved.

As for the issues in the South China sea, my plan is to have an equally thoughtful response to your tactfully choreographed actions.  I look forward to a continued exchange of frank view of this matter, with a firm understanding of our relative positions (see page 66) in the world.  I fully anticipate that my message of hope will reach you and we will continue in a spirit of friendship that will endure far beyond our lifetime.

Sincerely

Barack H Obama

January 20, 2009

Activities of the Last Day

Filed under: Democrats,Foreign Relations,International Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 5:30 am

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

December 31, 2008

Foreign Policy

As you all know, foreign policy has dominated my time in the White House, and let’s just face it, things haven’t really gotten better per se.  If I look back from the time Bill took over for dad to now, 16 years, and things haven’t really changed much.  Look at the mess in Gaza for example, and look at the rather muted reactions around the world, I say it’s rather mute since it’s the same old crap everybody spews every time there is a situation like Gaza, or Lebanon, or somewhere in Africa.  The world is outraged, the world is pissed, blah blah blah, but nothing really changes.  In a way, my conversation with Barack just yesterday reminds me of how I was when I entered the White House 8 years ago.

BO: George, what are you going to do about what’s happening in Gaza?  The Israelis are killing all these Palestinians, some of them innocent, and those fucking Hamas bastards just keep lobbing rockets and egging on the Israelis.

GWB: Barack, I’m doing exactly the same thing I’ve been doing the last eight years, and Bill had done during his time.  Pretty much nothing.  Condi is doing the normal bit of condemnation and call of cease fire, so are most of the others.  The Arab world condemns the Israelis.  Pretty much business as usual.

BO: George, how can you say that, people are dying… we need to do something… you need to do something.  I know the first thing I’m going to do is to send Hillary over to try to restart this peace process, hell, I’ll force the Israelis to talk with Hamas.

GWB: Barack, you know, I admire your enthusiasm, I was the same way when I got in.  I talked to Bill about his keeping up the effort to get Arafat and the Israelis together.  Bill just kinda told me what I’m telling you now.  That until you had a few years to deal with this crap,  you wouldn’t understand.

BO: What do you mean?  We’re talking about lives at stake here, every day we delay, more lives are lost.

GWB: Lots of people have tried, you know Tony Zinni was my special envoy there, I remember when I came out to the Rose Garden with Colin and said enough is enough to another round of suicide bombing.  But all that bluster, nothing got achieved.  Tony was all excited, but eventually he got so frustrated, that he just said it was because of Iraq that he’s getting nowhere.  It’s not easy you know.

BO: Well, we got to keep trying, George, I’m gonna send Hillary.

I laughed a bit here.

GW: You know, I’d rather suggest you send Bill over, I was talking to him the other day.  He’s keen to trying again, he told me that basically it was because he had to deal with two guys that he couldn’t get things to work.  But now on the Israeli side, they have that chick Tzipi Livni running the show and she’s got her eyes on the prime minister seat, and she reminds him of a hotter an younger Hillary, he figure he could just go over and melt her heart of ice with his charm, and get her to work with him.   The only thing is he needs a good looking woman from the Palestinian side, that way he figures a few hours of private time with them, and then, viola, instant solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem.

BO: You’re kidding me.

GW: When you’re at this as long as I am, you’ll see where I’m coming from.  Listen, don’t let an old guy bring you down.  You do what you think it’s necessary.  Hell, Roosevelt didn’t beat the Russians, neither did Ike, nor Kennedy, or Nixon.  You just have to keep working at it, I figure we’ve been laying the ground work, and eventually, things will get better, I won’t be around to see it, you might be, but may be not, but it won’t be another 30 years before they figure that mess out.

BO: You’re kidding me, 30 years?

GWB: Yep, those guys have to get tired of killing each other, and they really aren’t at that point yet.  Might not happen for at least that long.  Or may be you can work up a miracle or something, but you’re pragmatic enough to know when to just sheperd things along.

That was pretty much the conversation.  I don’t mean to sound so negative, but the Israeli and Arab thing are just gonna keep going until both sides decide it’s enough.  And the only thing the rest of the world can hope for is that they knock enough sense into each other before they all manage to kill each other.

December 15, 2008

Kinder, Gentler, that’s what history will say about me

Everybody hates me, I get it.  I mean take this journalist in Iraq, he tosses his shoes at me, he hates me, but really, why do you hate me?  Do you hate me because Iraq is free from the dictatorship of Saddam?  You know, you’re lucky pal, you’re only going to end up in Gitmo.   If I were Saddam, you’d be hanging by your ears now, with your balls shoved down your throat.  But with me, I’m kinder, gentler, you’ll only have to be in Gitmo where you’re provided with three hot meals a day, a prayer rug, directions to Mecca, and what else, oh yeah, 24 hour heavy metal.  See, what a difference that is.

So you want to blame me because I liberated your country from dictatorship.  Or is it that you hate me because I didn’t do the same in Egypt.  Well, whatever, history will be kinder compared to insignificant fleas like you.  You think Gitmo is not nice, well, buddy, don’t worry, you won’t be in Gitmo for too long, once I’m done, Barack will shut Gitmo down.  It’ll look good in the papers, but you my friend will be truly screwed, because nobody will talk about what happens to you terrorist types after the books are closed.  My mistake with Gitmo and other places like it is that I was too gentle, too open, I should’ve known better, the American people doesn’t care if the CIA cuts off someone’s balls and shoves it down their throats.  They care about government doing its job effectively, and making sure our people are safe.  See, I went for this kinder, gentler approach, and all it got me is the hassles of being in the spotlight of idiot reporters.

Barack, though is no dummy, he will have seen my mistake.  So, there will be nothing public like Gitmo, instead, he’ll farm all the unpleasent stuff out to the Egyptians, the Israelis, our buddies in Saudi Arabia and so forth.  So, my friend, I hope that you are happy knowing that you have just managed to annoy someone like me at the worst possible time.  You might have just had a few years of Gitmo and then be let go, now, you’re going to Gitmo still, and then you’ll disappear.  Kinder, and Gentler, don’t you wish you hadn’t thrown those size 10s?

December 5, 2008

The Price of Leaving

At least that’s what I think I am paying for now. As you can see OPEC managed to not get consensus on production cuts. You know what this means? The frigging Saudis have decided that it’s ok to push back and keep us on the crack addiction known as oil now that I’m leaving. Those bastards have decided that since I have less than two months left in office, they can start hoodwinking the American public and I can’t do anything about it.

Gas prices are at multi-year lows, and if OPEC maintains this current rate of production, all of my efforts the last few years to keep oil  price high  and keeping America focused on going green might go to waste. Because in another year or two of this, no one is going to remember how much we are addicted to oil, and how painful prices at the pumps are. Come on guys, you didn’t think Gore’s film was what brought on all these alternative ideas right? It was capitalism and imagery, pure and simple.

Cost of oil going through the roof gives great imagery, and venture capital guys are busy linking oil to energy generation costs (think electricity), and then toss in Weird Al and his Oscar, and suddenly you have a winning combination with green tech. But it’s hard for consumers to keep stuff like this in their minds if they are too busy worrying about their jobs and thanking Allah that oil prices are at two year lows.  How do we know, have a look at SUVs, believe it or not, they’re making a come back.

I have half a mind to tell the Israelis to go bomb Iran right now, that’ll at least spike oil prices for a few weeks, enough for Barack to get in office and make sure that there is still momentum for green energy in next year. This sucks, all my efforts the last few years and taking public beatings are going to waste. OPEC managed to pull a fast one on me, dammit, I should’ve given the Israelis the go ahead to get Iran this summer.

November 26, 2008

No More US????

Filed under: Foreign Relations,Satire — fakepotus @ 12:12 am
Tags: , ,

I have to say there are all sorts of entertaining things in the works around the world if you know where to look for it.  Take this nugget for example, this is really interesting.  First, I didn’t even know that Russians had any scholars.  I thought they were just a bunch of dumb pissants being ruled by a psychopathic maniac.  But guess I was wrong, if Russia is full of scholars like this one, then I can leave office happy knowing that Russia will catch up to may be France in terms of capabilities sometime in the turn of the next century.  I’m just glad that my original opinion about that country after I looked into Putin’s soul wasn’t too far wrong.

However, there are interesting possibilities if you look at Professor Igor’s theories.  So, the Pacific country would probably be the West Coast plus Hawaii. Hey… Texas is a nation all by itself, may be I can be president of Texas.  Although according to this, I better ally with the so called Central States, since they’re the ones who will have all these ICBMs and nuclear bombers.  Then there are the Atlantic Coasts, Northern and Southern states… hmmm, I wonder who’ll be presidents in those areas.  I can figure that Arnold would want to be leader of the Pacific country, and probably some bible thumper for the Central States.  Oh, this could be so much fun.

But you know what the Russians really want, Alaska… heh heh, ever since Seward bought it from the Czars for a couple of quarters, the Russkies have been bellyaching and wanting it back.  Sorry guys, you don’t get to drill out all the oil and natural gas in Alaska.  That belongs to us.  Just be happy we didn’t buy Siberia back then too.  But I love the last part of Igor’s thesis: “China and Russia will become the world’s great regulators.”  China I can see, but Russia??? You may as well say China and Iran if you keep spouting non-sense like that.

Seriously though, days like this I do need the laughs.  Did anyone see that Hank Paulson shot his mouth off again?  And of course the Dow took a nosedive right afterwards, didn’t we have a gag order in place on Paulson?  Geez, well, it’s a miracle the street ended up in positive territory today.

November 22, 2008

Fourth in Line

Filed under: Foreign Relations,Politics — fakepotus @ 9:10 pm
Tags: , ,

I’m on my way to Peru, and I get a call from Bill.  He was not his usual effusive self this day, his first words were, have you heard?  Hillary is going to take the sec state job on Obama’s team.  This is not going to be a good thing.

I was a bit surprised given my conversation with Karl, I didn’t think Hillary was quite that desperate to be in the executive branch at that level, so I asked Bill what he thought.  He said he thinks this means that the money train ride he’s taken so far might be over.  Definitely not a good thing.  He didn’t want to write yet another book, because then he’d be stuck at home and miss out on all the partying.  But more than that, since she serves at the pleasure of Obama, it means he can fire her after two years or however long it takes.  That’ll put Hillary down for good, and she’ll never be happy being Barack’s mouth piece, and that means she’ll take out all her anger and frustration on him.

I understood Bill’s dilemma, and asked why she just didn’t turn the offer down outright?  Bill told me she had this idea that as a Secretary of State, she could make a lot more connections which could eventually make her eligible to run as secretary general of the UN, and besides she is 4th in line of succession, so you never know.  I thought that sounded rather desperate, Bill responded that he thought the same way, but there wasn’t much he can do about it now.  So, he’ll make the best of it, and hope she can get him some connections that may be get him on the board of Wal-mart or something like that.

Poor Bill, he hasn’t been the same since Hillary started the campaign for presidency.  I hope he can keep his sanity if she becomes the Secretary of State.

November 16, 2008

The Last Hurrah

Filed under: Economy,Foreign Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 11:50 pm
Tags: , , ,

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I think this picture of me at the G20 meeting says it all.  I am ready to go.  As you might expect, this summit was mostly about platitudes and nothing more than a feel good session.  The only reason that I even came along was because I had a few buddies who showed up like Hu, and Gordon.

I never liked all these funny organization, and the G20 is one of the prime example of having too chiefs and not enough Indians.  Now some of you might ask who is exactly in the G20.  Well, to be frank, I had to look it up myself, but it includes 19 countries and the European union is also represented as an independent entity.  The 19 countries include Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, South Korea, Turkey, the United Kingdom and of course, the good ol’ USA.  The EU was an oddball entity, you’d expect that with four of the European countries represented, having the EU is like double dipping.  But some say that the EU is an independent entity… whatever, just an excuse for some bureaucrat to take expensive trips.

I remember it was just the G7, back then it was the seven industrialized nations, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, United Kingdom, and US.  It kind of made sense for that partly because it was based a good deal on GDP, and of course political alliances.  Then we expanded the stupid thing to include the Russians so they wouldn’t feel excluded, so it became the G8.  Now, this thing feels more like a United Nations.  It’s just stupid.

Membership should’ve been based on individual contribution to the world economy, or may be based on average GDP or GNP of the last five years.  That way, things are done with less bickering and may be a bit more action.  The countries that would form this type of G7 today would be: US, Japan, Germany, China, UK, France, and Italy.  May be we can toss a bone to the Russians and have them in because they need to have their egos stoked even though their formal ranking wouldn’t put them in a G8, much less a G7.

But I think frankly beyond my time with the individuals and exchanging a few words, this G20 meeting is just a big waste of time that got nothing done.   May be the smarter thing to do is to just go back to a G7, keep it small, and have another meeting like the one fat boy Hugo is carping about where all these other guys can go to.  Think Iran, Syria, North Korea, and so on.  Anyway, I’m glad it’s all over, at least this time I didn’t have to leave the comfort of home.

November 11, 2008

Barack and I

Yesterday, I had my one on one sit down with Barack, and interestingly enough we had a few things in common.  It’s the first time I’ve talked with Barack alone, and yes, inquiring minds wants to know what we talked about.  So, while I can’t give you all the details, here is a couple of nice tidbits.

On the foreign policy side, Barack was not very happy due to the news out Monday morning about our involvement attacking terror cells in places like Pakistan and Syria.  Since this is something he actively has to do anyway, but just want it done in secret.  Now the Times are blabing, so there’ll be a spotlight on this stuff.  He knows that the article was aimed at me, but he wished that the Times would’ve kept its mouth shut about these things.  He was quite pissed since the Times took his pragmatism to the extreme, and is trying to box him in.  Like saying, hey, see, Bush attacked these guys, so it’s ok that Barack does it too.  I agreed, it was stupid, because the last thing the Muslim world needs is to be openly humiliated by border violations posted on the New York Times.  It makes the job for Barack that much harder in the long run.  I told him, see, secrecy does have it’s place after all.

Then, there was the economy.  Obama came and asked for what I expected, which is a deal on the auto industry.  My response here was pure genius, first I feigned shock that he is being pushed around by Nancy and Harry, and then I went into negotiator mode, and started to push the Columbian Free Trade agreement as a quid pro quo.  The point here was to guage how Obama would react to such an obvious challenge, and something Democrats wouldn’t like.  We both know that in the long term, the deal with Columbia, like NAFTA helps the US economy overall.  The problem is that the Democrats don’t like it, because their backers in the union hates this stuff.  I figure the odds on the deal going through are small anyway, but this was a chance to gauge Obama.  To see if he was really as pragamatic as I hoped, or if he was going to be Harry and Nancy’s meat puppet in the oval office.  Barack didn’t say anything one way or the other.  But I thought this would be the test that shows if Barack is going to be a great president,  If he is good enough, then he’ll get Congress to turn on this Columbia deal and he gets what he wants.  Otherwise, if he can’t push it through and get Pelosi and Reid to bend, then his administration will become a hostage to Congress.

So, after talking to him and looking into his soul.  I’ve decided he is a rather likeable fella.   I feel a bit sorry about the tough love he has to get on the auto industry, but I’d rather he learn earlier that there is no free lunch than learn it too late.  In his new job, Congress isn’t a friend, if he let’s Nancy and Harry run all over him, his will be an ineffective administration.  Tough love, God knows I’ve had to hand out a bunch of that during my administration.  I’ve done my part for now.  Good luck, Barack, and remember, YES YOU CAN.

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