The Personal Journal of POTUS

March 13, 2009

Open Letter to China

Dear Chinese Leadership,

I, Barack Obama sincerely appreciate your thoughtful comments, and  generous acts of friendship in this difficult time.  I believe that our relationship is on the fast track since the visit by my esteemed secretary of State.

I would hope that my delightful sec State (aka 4th in line) conveyed my deepest gratitude for our lasting friendship, and you have my word if somehow there was a misinterpretation of her comments during the last visit, or perhaps a misunderstanding, I will speak with her regarding this issue.  I am certain that she would mend her ways so that she can maintain her jet setting ways to win peace and prosperity through diplomacy and SMART power.

Now, I appreciate your concern about our economy, let me just say that we fully plan to get our financial house in order on the finance side.  My genius Sec Treasury (aka babyface) is on the job. His actions have fully drawn the confidence and support of our allies in Europe, and I believe that a close examination of his handling the issues will provide you the same sense of assurance that our European friends have achieved.

As for the issues in the South China sea, my plan is to have an equally thoughtful response to your tactfully choreographed actions.  I look forward to a continued exchange of frank view of this matter, with a firm understanding of our relative positions (see page 66) in the world.  I fully anticipate that my message of hope will reach you and we will continue in a spirit of friendship that will endure far beyond our lifetime.


Barack H Obama


February 11, 2009

Clintonian Diplomacy

Filed under: Foreign Policy,International Relations — fakepotus @ 6:08 am

The results for the Israeli election aren’t even in yet, and I got a call from Bill Clinton.  He told me that he would be very happy to conduct some direct diplomacy for us if Tzipi Livni get the prime minister post.  He’ll guarantee that he’ll have the Israelis and the Arabs sitting down and hammering out a peace process if he can just get with Tzipi and uh… in his words, reason with her.

He told me that he’s met her once before and she can be persuaded, but only by him, because he is the only one who can work with her, and “melt her icy exterior.”  I just couldn’t believe he put it that way.  I asked him what makes him think that Hillary will allow it.  Bill told me that Hillary can take the credit for bringing about Middle East Peace, and that’ll be good for her, all he wants to do is to help himself.

I told him thanks, but we’ll start by letting the special envoy, George Mitchell have a crack at it first.  Then move from there.  Bill was not too happy, he said that George is a good guy, but wouldn’t know how to establish the right type of relationship with someone like Tzipi.  But he understands that I should try things my way first, even if it is a failure.

You know that Bill just keeps reminding me why I don’t like the Clintons.

January 24, 2009

Closing Gitmo…

Filed under: Foreign Policy,Homeland Security,Terrorism — fakepotus @ 6:34 am

I am a man of my word.  When I said I am going to close Gitmo, I meant it, when I said, no more torture, I meant it.  And I did it.  No more detention centers, no more secret prisons for the CIA, no more waterboarding.  Change is here, and I keep my word.  I said that I was going to make sure that we don’t compromise between our principles and keeping our people safe.  

Now, we know closing Gitmo isn’t going to happen overnight.  In spite of the fact that many of these people are real terrorists that deserve death, we cannot just throw them in prison, yet we can’t just convict them, because even though we have more than enough evidence and intelligence to know they’re guilty, some of the evidence were obtained illegally.  People like KSM are truly dangerous, and they can’t be let go.  I also can’t just have these guys released into the general population, because they are dangerous as heck.  I can’t just send them back to their home countries, but some of them don’t even have countries that want them.  So, we have to take our time to sort out what to do with these people and do it so it’s all open.

The thing of course that bothers me the most is that this is all Bush’s fault.  Why did he have to be so open, intelligence has always been a very closed business.  We don’t tell our people about our successes, we don’t tell people about our methods, and we sure as heck don’t open prisons in the open.  So, now, thanks to rendition, we’ve lost some of our capabilities.   Well, no more.  We are going to change things around here.  I promise you all, America will be safe, and we won’t torture.  

Consider this for example, we will continue our fight against Al Qaeda, except we won’t advertise any more.  These are just going to be suspected things, we will from now on neither confirm or deny.  Terrorists are going to die, they are going to talk, but they sure as hell are not going to be going to a nice comfortable prison, given prayer mats, fed nice meals.  I have better things to do with our money.

So, I had a short discussion with the operations guys in the company, I told them, you guys do what you have to, don’t get caught, because if you do, you have no cover, and you’ll go to prison.  Otherwise, don’t leave any evidence, and no bodies, and no frigging prisons, don’t waterboard because it costs too much money, bamboo shoots under the thumb nails.  If they still don’t talk, conveniently drop them off with the Egyptians, the Israelis, the Thais, and say, we need the info, and we don’t care what you do with the bodies.  But bottom line, don’t get caught, and don’t let America get attacked, cause if you do, no pension for you guys.

See, I know how to handle things, I have the audacity to hope, and sure enough, things will get better, and people will love us for it.

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