The Personal Journal of POTUS

December 13, 2008

Corruption??? What Corruption?

By now, no doubt everyone has heard about the wonderful governor of Illinois: Rod Blagojevich (can you have a more difficult to pronounce last name?)  Anyway, the current news is that he doesn’t want to go quietly.   Of course, the fact that much of the controversy is surrounding the senate seat vacated by Barack is another quiet storm that’s brewing.  So far Barack has done well to deflect the situation.  But I am proud to say this is one of these preemptive strikes that makes me feel good about the presidency.

I had heard about this investigation from Mukasey way back before the election, and I told him to keep it under wraps since I didn’t want it to taint the process.  Then when this senate seat came up, the US attorney in charge wanted to wait until he could bag the whole lot of them.  He said it would’ve been spectacular, and would have gotten certain members of Congress and a whole lot of people in the Illinois political machine.

I won’t name names of course, but let’s just say more than a few “leading” politicians in Illinois would’ve been wearing prison orange – including a certain representative in the House.  The deal was on the verge of getting made when I had the attorney in charge force the situation. Get the Governor before the deal is done I told him, otherwise start polishing your resume.  Now he was really unhappy about this.  After all, he could’ve had dozens of heads mounted on his wall, and now all he gets is Rod.  But I told him, he would be a hero for doing it.  It took a lot of persuasion, but eventually he charged Rod before any deal would get done.

Now, I know what I did doesn’t seem right, after all, I could’ve bagged a whole bunch of corrupt Illinois politicians and smeared a bunch of asshole I really didn’t like.   But I just couldn’t do it to Barack.  I mean, he is going to be our shining beacon of hope, I couldn’t have done something like this that’ll hopelessly taint him in the first months of his presidency.  There were talks going on, and even though his staffers supposedly didn’t directly involve themselves, there were too many things that would look bad in public.  So I did the right thing and shielded Barack. He has important things to do for the American people, and little things like this shouldn’t stand in his way.

Hopefully, it’ll be a lesson to the rest of those corrupt bastards, and give Barack a better chance of keeping those bozos in line.   You know, I almost feel like Batman at the end of Dark Knight, where he is the real hero but takes a bum rap.  But that’s just me.  Protecting America the best I can.


November 5, 2008

Words of Advice for McCain

Filed under: Elections,Politics — fakepotus @ 4:37 pm

Dear John,

You lost.  Sorry, but this is not something that should disappoint you, and it’s not something that you should be unused to.  Consider for a moment that feeling you had when the flying telephone pole hit your A-4.  You must have thought: “oh shit, I’m going to die.”  But you persevered.  Remember the time when they were torturing you in the Hanoi Hilton, you must’ve been thinking at one point: “I wish they’d just kill me, and get it over with.”  But you had friends in prison and they helped you survive. Remember what they say, what doesn’t kill you, just makes you stronger.

Compare that to the loss you had last night, well, my friend, this loss would seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  It’s not your fault at all that that this had to happen.  The economy was bad, and getting worse, that was the “October Surprise” that you had to deal with.  I wasn’t very popular, even though I know I am right in the long run, but that’s ok, I’m not here to win a popularity contest.  Your campaign people weren’t that good, certainly not Karl level, so they screwed you over in the ground game.  But you still came pretty close coming out of the convention, you actually had a chance.  But realistically, it’s all about history, there is no way that America would allow it’s first serious Black presidential candidate to go down in flames, imagine what would’ve happened to the country.  Then he had to beat someone convincing, not a Romney or a Huckabee, but only a genuine maverick would do.  So, you had to step up and lose.

So you won’t be president, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  You don’t have to deal with all of this headache I had to face every day for the last eight years.   It’s true, I set up the new guy to win big in the coming four years, how else would we gain our energy independence if it wasn’t for the pain of $140 a barrel oil.  If it wasn’t for that, do you think the green movement and Gore’s idiot movie would actually go anywhere.  So, in the end, you can still be influential in your own way, and you’ll still make a difference.  Hope that makes you feel better.


November 4, 2008

And the election goes to…..

Filed under: Elections,Satire — fakepotus @ 5:28 am
Tags: , , , ,

As I sit here watching the Steelers pound the Redskins into the dirt.  I go back to the Redskins predictor for the presidential election and think how I was one of the who broke the mold.  Now for those of you who don’t know about this, the basic premise is that the Redskins would decide the fate of the incumbent party.  So, if the Redskins won, the incumbent party stays in office that election year.  If the Redskins lost, the incumbent party gets kicked out.  Now, that had been an accurate predictor for about 17  presidential elections, until 2004 came along.  When the Packers beat up the Skins portending that ol’sourpouss would become president, and I’d be a one termer.  Of course, I’m George Bush, so I’m naturally the one who bucks the trend.  And I wiped the floor with botox for brains.

But sadly, not everyone can be a maverick like I am.  Sorry John, but at the end of the day, you’re not gonna be a president.  But hey, that’s ok, it’s not as if you didn’t try.  But you just didn’t have what it takes.  You didn’t have Karl with you.  Heck, Karl is practically running the Obama campaign for him.  Look at that team Obama has running his game, that David Plouffe guy is practically Karl’s disciple.  Heck, Karl was telling me that the guy is so good, he was knocking up his wife while still making sure Obama was on his way to becoming the nominee for the Democrats.  So, naturally, you weren’t gonna win, your helpers aren’t that good.  Rick Davis… well, what can I say, he’s just not the brightest bulb in the drawer.  But don’t worry, you’re going to be the defacto Republican leader.  Because let’s face it, none of the other Republicans in Congress can even hold a candle to you right now.

Anyway, take it in stride, call up Obama early in the evening and wish him luck.  Then take Cindy out for a spin or something, I mean you deserve it, fella.  As for me, I already got the robocall ready, and it’ll probably go out about midnight or so, may be earlier if Virginia comes in on time.  Well, by tomorrow, it’ll be all over, and you can go back to being the maverick Senator from Arizona, and Sarah can go back to being Caribou Barbie and lording over inconsequential State troopers.

As for me, I’m going to enjoy the White House cookery for a bit longer, pardon my last turkey and then fly on home back to Crawford.  I’ve made my mark, and years from now, when I’m long gone, history will say, wow, what a president that George Bush was… too bad he couldn’t run for a third term.  Remember now, I did vote for you… that’s what loyalty is all about.

September 26, 2008

An Amusing Afternoon…

You know, I was compared to Curious George a few years ago.  Now, for a long while, I thought it was unfair, but today, I finally realized that the comparison is not entirely inappropriate, like the monkey, I love to amuse myself.

Take the meeting I arranged with McCain, Obama, and the Congressional leadership today on the bailout.  I had put it up originally to make sure everybody got their say, and we all worked together.  But the reality of it was that by putting so many charged personality in the same room, I was hoping there’d be an explosion and I’d be entertained.  I wasn’t disappointed.

Now, in the ordinary course of events in Washington, there is a political doublespeak that requires some basic mastery of the political langugage.  For example, when one senator says to another: “that’s a very interesting proposal, I’ll definitely be taking a closer look at it shortly.”  The translation is: “that’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard, I’ll take a look at this when hell freezes over.”  Now, in Washington, if you’re here for a month or two, you can easily decode the language.

So, it was today, but let me tell you something, for the first time since I’ve been here, these guys actually dropped the double talk and were speaking frankly.  It actually started innocently enough, but well, I’ll provide a rough transcript, the names have been concealed to protect the innocent…. ha ha ha ha.

Pol 1: I think we have a general agreement in principle here, we should get the bill passed, and signed off.

Pol 2: Hold on a minute, we weren’t consulted on this.   We want to have some more say.

Pol 3: Well, the proposal was well circulated, isn’t it too late to be doing this?

Pol 2: No, it’s not, you guys never bothered talking to us, and this idea sucks.

Pol 1: You can’t say that, I want us to be civil.

Pol 3: Yeah, yeah, whatever, let’s just sign this piece of shit and get on with our lives.  You know I have some important things to do tomorrow night.

Pol 4: Like what?  Oh you mean you’re gonna jet over to New York and have your one on one with Ahmadinejad?  Try to get some practice in with diplomacy since you’ve never had any?

Pol 3: Screw you, stop bring up this old stuff, you old fart.

Pol 4: Yeah, I may be an old fart, but I’m still outmanuevering you all the time ain’t I, you little snot nosed punk.  Look at your running mate, the ever so stupid Joe Biden, you know Roosevelt did these things called fireside chats, on this thing called a radio, not on TV.  Look at my running mate, smart, energetic, kicking your ass all over the place.

Pol 3: Gawd, you still listen to the radio, get into the 21st century will ya?  I may be a snot nosed punk, but at least I’m not a so called war hero because I got my ass shot down by a flying telephone pole.

Pol 4: Boy, if they shot your ass out of the sky, you’d be screaming uncle five seconds after they laid their hands on you.  You’re too soft, all talk, no action.

Pol 3: And you’re an old fart who doesn’t have any original ideas, so stop stealing my change mantle.  What does an old geezer like you know about change anyway, except when it comes to daipers.

Pol 4: Ha, I knew this was gonna happen as soon as I saw you won the primary.  At least Clinton wouldn’t have yammered on and on about change and have no substance.

Pol 3: Listen grandpa, enough of this BS, and stop bringing up the old crone, she’s out of the picture, are you gonna debate me tomorrow or not?

Pol 4: On foreign policy?  You’re kidding me, boy, my adapted kid know more about foreign policy than you do.  Why don’t you go debate Palin instead, at least you might have a chance to beat her.

Pol 3: Screw you, old man, stop talking about the pig from up north, unless you plan on wearing lipstick too.

Pol 4: Well, sonny, I don’t like makeup like you do.  May be Baracko Spears won’t look so good without it.

And it went on from there for another hour

Now, I know none of what I said above made it to the media, because none of the aides would dare have put this out to the open.  But I swear, this is exactly what happened in the meeting.  Now I know none of this actually will help anybody, but the American people don’t need to worry, I already know something will come through in the next few days.  It’s just too bad they can’t see this type of thing, they’d laugh their asses off too.

Turst me, all will be well, in fact, I was in such a good mood after everyone had left that I had my favorites for dinner, Texas brisket, and sushi, with Key Lime pie for desert.  Life is good.

September 25, 2008

Man of Action

Filed under: Economy,Elections,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 6:31 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

You know, life can be unfair, and it’s often been said that I am a lone ranger, I don’t work well with others.  Well, now that’s just bull.  I work very well with others, and I have had a track record starting when I was governor of Texas.  In my eight years at the White House, I’ve had a track record that is second to none, name another Republican that can work with that drunk Kennedy to get a massive program like “No Child Left Behind” working.  Then there is North Korea, where my people set up the frame work to succeed in getting those commies aboard to tear down their nuke program.  Then there is Iran, look at what’s going on with the UN, everyone is for de-nuking Iran, you think a lone ranger can get something like this done?  Get those jackasses at the UN, all the people who traditionally hates us to agree on sanctions for Iran to try to stop their nukes?

The point I’m making here is that at the end of the day, Washington is still too much a political town.  So to get things done, I work together when it’s possible, I work alone when it’s necessary.  Take the latest example, Wall Street has a meltdown.  My personal preference was to let these poorly run companies fail, hey, it’s a capitalist society, we shouldn’t be running around bailing people out.  I mean for years, my administration proposed more regulations on companies like Fannie and Freddie, nobody gave a damn.  Now, all of a sudden the sky is falling, and all the Chicken lLttles from Congress are coming in, screaming, save us, save us, we don’t want to be voted out of office in two months.

Well, so Hank and Ben comes up with this idea to buy up all the bad mortgages, they say it’ll stabilize the economy, get credit flowing.  I personally don’t like it, cause it gives these irresponsible companies an excuse to bail out of the bad loans they should never have initiated.  Well, but let it be said that I’m always open minded, this would help to trickle something down to everyday Americans at the end of the day.   So I try to get it pushed through.

But then, here comes Pelosi and pals over the weekend, bitching about how they want their own agendas in along with the bailout.  Now, ok, here is the part about working together, I think the Congress just wants to save their own butts with the election coming up, but since the bailout does help everyone, I go along with it.  Now I could’ve been unilateral, and Congress wouldn’t have had a choice, do the bail out like I wanted, or you guys can lose your jobs in November.  But I’m a big picture guy, so what do I do?  I invite those bozos from the hill along with Barack and John and we are gonna talk things over.

It’s amazing how fast people agrees to stuff when they have their asses on the line.  Now, it’s a done deal.  See, I could have just sat back and let you guys all take the fall.   Hey, I’m the lame duck remember?  I could’ve stood by and let you morons go down in flames.  But like any real man,of action,  I’ll do what it takes to keep the country running.  But then I am tired of all this politics, eight years is enough, time to take my well earned break, go back to Crawford, and may be hang out with Bill every now and then.

September 10, 2008

Taking it all in…

Ok, I was wrong about this Sarah Palin gal, apparently someone from nowhere can galvanize our party, even though they should already be galvanized given how screwed up the Democrats in Congress are.  But I have to say that old fox McCain still had some wits left about him.  Let’s face it, his campagin was a snoozer until he got her.  I have to admit all the Romney, Guilianis of the world wouldn’t have made a difference, but Palin did.  She’s probably as good a speaker as Obama.

According to Karl, the Obama campaign was thrown into a bit of tizzy because of Palin, and because of their own pick for VP, who was just another pol from DC, nobody even paid any attention to him.  Karl told me that he was heavily against Biden for a simple reason.  Obama/Biden, sounds a little too much like Osama Bin Laden, and it would give all the bloggers and the internet loons too much of an opportunity to make Obama out to be a radical Islam guy or some such thing, you can imagine the Swiftboat style messages that would be filtered around.  Karl was telling me that he had pushed for Richardson as Obama’s VP.  It would’ve locked up New Mexico, and hell, it would’ve locked up all the Hispanic votes too.  But apparently Obama was too worried about Richardson’s ties to the Clintons dispite  what Richardson did for him backing in the primaries.

Now comes Sarah Palin, and she’s such an unknown and gave such a good speech that the Obama campaign has apparently decided that she must be the Republican presidential candidate.  So, the campaign are getting their surrogates to do an all out attack on her, and while they’ve tried their best to paint her as a piece of Alaskan white trash who also happens to be a double talker, Obama has managed to forget about his own message in the process, and he’s managed to bring himself down to the level of an ordinary politician.

Karl was saying that if that’s what Obama wanted to do, he may as well reverse the ticket and have Biden be the president, and he can play second fiddle.  Obama’s message is about change and hope, it’s not the substance that matters, it’s the idea.  If he moves away from the hope and change platform and move into reality, he’s in trouble, and that’s exactly what’s happened.  He told me that Barack need to stick to his strong suit, if he starts up with change is phony theme, then his entire message since the primaries has just been tossed out the windows.

Now I admire Karl, he is a real genius when it comes to messaging and strategizing, but I think the one thing that he lacks is faith.  I certainly have faith that Obama can still win.  All he needs to do is stick to the change message,  the voting public will love the message of hope and change, and that’s how Obama will win this year.  But all the same, I have my eyes on young Palin, she might be a good candidate in 2012 if McCain doesn’t win this year.  But luckily I didn’t have to leave the comfort of the White House and the superb kitchen staff this time for the convention, just had to do the telepresence bit for less than 30 minutes.  I love technology.

August 29, 2008

My Last Convention

I’m gonna be giving out the opening speech at the convention next week, and I can say with 100% certainty, I won’t miss this. I had just heard early this morning that John McCain was picking Sarah Palin to be his running mate, my first reaction was probably like yours, “who????” I didn’t even know we made Alaska a state, who the hell authorized that? And if we did make it a state, why haven’t we started putting more wells there, we need the frigging oil.

Anyway, back to McCain/Palin vs Obama/Biden, I don’t know, the candidates don’t seem to be well matched. Old guy senator and unknown governor against inexperienced rockstar and another fuddy duddy, gawd, even Al Gore had better credentials. But I have to go speak to the conservative masses, I just don’t care that much, I’ll probably give my typical speech about all the brilliant things I’ve done in the last eight years. Not that people apparently care or even understood, but then I’m used to it. I don’t like the limelight very much.

In this I know I’m nothing like Bill, but then Bill has to pay for his popularity too, I know more people watched his speech than Obama’s. I’m happy to admit that Bill is a better orator than I am, I mean if you watched his speech on Wednesday, you know that the people, especially Democrats, adore him. It’s no wonder he can bed any chick he wants. Bill is the man along those lines, I’m more a man of words than action, I think we would’ve made a great team he and I. But then Bill has to pay for his popularity too.

I got on the video phone with Bill last night after Obama’s speech, and he was in tears yet again. And you could tell that the speech cost him, apparently after he and Hillary got back from the convention, the first thing that happened was that Hillary walked over to him and kneed him in the balls. And she cursed at him for giving such a fantastic speech, and then cursed him for ruining her chances at nomination by attacking Obama, and cursed him because she had to be humiliated by this nomination by acclimation crap. Then for good measure, she cursed him for being born and then slapped him around some more. Then she lashed out at all the people involved, especially those who didn’t back her or explicitly told her to quit or worse yet stabbed her in the back during the primaries, people like screaming Howard Dean, the shrill Pelosi, and worst of all, the fat Judas Bill Richardson, she went on naming names and talking about how she’ll get even with them, finally, she told Bill that if Obama is president, it’ll be his fault because he gave such a great speech and she was forced into quitting the race. She ended the tirade by slugging poor Bill in the guts again and apparently stormed off to curse some more.

I asked Bill why he doesn’t get the Secret Service to protect him, Bill was just shook his head sadly and told me that he tried it years ago, and Hillary always told the Secret Service to fuck off because this was a domestic matter, and it’s none of their business. In fact, she had done it so many times now that when he is with her and he screams, the Secret Service doesn’t even bother to come in the door any more. He used to be able to get Chelsea to calm Hillary down, but nowadays, Chelsea is nowhere around, so he suffers the abuse without recourse.

I told Bill that the best thing to do is to stay away from Hillary for a while whenever she gets mad, let her calm down. He shrugged fatalistically and said that it doesn’t help, if he goes away, she just builds up her rage, and he really gets it when he sees her again. I feel really bad for poor Bill, and hope he can get away from this abusive situation. But then, hearing Bill, I’m really happy that I’m not as popular as he is, I mean Laura never abuses me like this. Oh well, I better get on with this stupid speech and get it over with. I’ll be glad when this is all done in a few months….

Sarah Palin??? What the hell is McCain smoking?

August 24, 2008

What About Bill?

You know, if there is one person who has truly suffered during this election, it would be Bill. I got a call from him on Saturday, and the poor guy was almost in tears. Apparently, Barack’s VP choice had sent Hillary over the edge.

Bill’s first words when I picked up the phone were, George, you gotta help me. Hillary has gone mental. Then he gave the entire litany of woes that has befallen him in the few months. He told me that ever since Hillary lost the nomination, she’s been brooding, and that she goes through stages not unlike an alcoholic. First, she keeps indulging herself in some fantasy that the base of the party would revolt at the convention and nominate her as the candidate. Then, when Bill tries to tell her that this isn’t likely to happen, she goes into a fury for a while, throwing glassware all over the place, screaming, I deserve to be president… you got to be a president, and I’m far more deserving.

Then, after an hour or so, she would settle down and start talking to herself about the fact that she would have to be on the ticket, they would be the dream team. Barack and Hillary, the unstoppable dynamic duo, this was inevitable, and there is no way that Barack would ignore her. Then Hillary would realize that Barack doesn’t give two figs about her, because he hasn’t even called except through his staffers to coordinate the few joint appearances in front of her crowd. After a few minutes, Hillary would demand a back rub or some other form of physical therapy from Bill. Of course, Bill is just reluctant to do this, not because he doesn’t like to touch women, but well, the few times he tried to calm Hillary before, it inevitably turned into an accusation session that goes something like, so, this is what you do with all those tramps and bimbos before you have your non-sex with them. You’re a pervert, an evil male egomaniac, and the list of insults would go on.

Then comes the money, now, Bill cares about money, but he is also at a point where he already pretty rich, and he is buddies with lots of rich guys who would always see to his needs and help him out. But Hillary can be a real tightwad, once she gets through the indignities of realizing she won’t be the VP pick, she then complain about how unfair Barack is. That she still has a ton of campaign debt and Barack he hasn’t helped her to settle her these, he could do it with just one of his little fundraisers. She doesn’t want to be out tens of millions. This would kill them, never mind the fact that Clinton and company still has millions more in the bank.

Finally, the last stage of her rant would be all about revenge on Barack. That she hopes McCain beats the crap out of him in the general election, and how she could help under the table with dirt on Obama. She would gleefully cackle about the prospect of Barack losing and giving her another shot in four years. Finally, she would exhaust herself in the revelry of the imagined revenge been completed and then go to sleep or something.

Bill told me that this was like watching an alcoholic go through withdrawal, except it was like groundhogs day at the same time. This cycle would happen every few days, and the duration would vary from a few hours to a whole day. In the interim, she keeps berating him, and prevents him from going out.

Bill was crying when he finally said, George, what can I do? I’m losing weight, I haven’t had my favorite barbeque in two months, no trips out west to see my lady friends, and yesterday, it was especially bad when it came out that Joe Biden was gonna be VP. Hillary just lost it, she ranted for hours about how unfair this was to her, what kind of a loser Biden was, and what a jackass Obama was for picking him, and how insulting it would be that she’d still have to put up a brave face in the conventions and say nice things about him. That she’d be damned if she raised a child in this kind of village, she’d burn it to the ground first… and so on.

I told Bill that it’ll be ok, it’ll be over soon, once the convention is done, at worst, it’ll last until the end of the election cycle. Then things will get back to normal. What else can I say? I’m worried about poor Bill, I would like a golf buddy to hang out with after I’m done here in DC — and Laura doesn’t mind having pretty girls around since she’s not threatened by them. But at this rate, poor Bill might not make it, and let’s face it, I already hang out with dad a lot, and nobody wants to hang out with Jimmy Carter.

August 21, 2008

More Than Meets The Eye

I was on my exercise bike at the crack of dawn yesterday, and I got a call from Karl, the first words out of his mouth was: “George, have you ever heard of the phrase… more than meets the eye?” I told’em sure, it’s usually followed by Robots in Disguise, it’s the old Transformer jingle, a cartoon from the 80s.

Karl went on, well have I got a story for you, it’ll seem like science fiction, but stay with me. So, on Wednesday, I got a call from somebody I never talked to before, caller told me to meet with him at the Potbelly’s sandwich on 1299 Pennsylvania around 11:30 or so. He suggested that I dress casually, at least that way people won’t instantly recognize me. He has some real interesting information on the election. He wanted to talk. I told him I felt better meeting at one of the clubs around DC, but this guy said that it’s better to do it in public, much harder to eavesdrop, and nobody would expect it. He could be recognized with a Redskin’s ball cap.

I figured I was gonna be in town anyway, so why not, and it’s a break from the normal grind. So I wandered into town, and made my way to the Potbelly’s. Before I actually walked in, I spotted this middle aged white guy in the Redskin’s cap who is munching on a sandwich, and head toward him. He sees me, and walks up to me, and hands me a bag and a cup, and says: “chicken salad sandwich and Diet Coke, let’s take a walk.”

I took the sandwich, and asked, ok, who are you, and what’s this about?

He says, great questions, well, let me tell you who I am. He pulls out his cell phone and hits a number. My phone rings, and I’m a bit annoyed. What’s this supposed to tell me I ask, what kind of game are you playing?

The white guy says, look at your phone, it’ll answer your question. To be honest, I was kind of pissed at this point, but I figure, I’ll play along. I lift up the phone, and I see the caller ID says BO. I looked at this guy, and I say, what the hell? Where did you get that phone from?

He replies, it’s my phone. I looked at the guy, and I was dumbstruck, I said, how is this possible? I know that is Barack Obama’s phone, how did you get it? Who are you?

The white guy smiled, I’m Barack, don’t say it too loud. People might think you’re crazy. But it is me, it’s amazing what modern technology can do, eh? Before you ask, this is a mask, something that the CIA developed. It’s perfect, my make up guy came from the agency. Nobody has the least bit of clue this is who I am.

I asked, but if you’re Barack, who the hell is it that’s running around and giving all those corny speeches?

Some loser actor from Hollywood, they’re a dime a million you know.

I responded, You’re not doing yourself any favors, have you seen the latest polls.

The white guy kept smiling, trust me Karl, the Hollywood actor I have on stage is managed by Michelle. He’s been there for about four months. And look what he’s accomplished, all he has been saying is bullshit about change and hope, and other crap. And the people are eating it up. I don’t need to be there. The polls don’t bother me, this way, I can have fun whenever I want and not get pressured into doing anything stupid. Oh, I’ll be there on the important occasions, like the convention, and the debates. No big deal. Besides, I have to make the race close, so McCain won’t feel so bad. We both know I am gonna win this.

But we’re not here to talk about me. The reason we’re here is because I want to show you the fruits of your advice, and of course to ask a favor. First, the fruits. Recognize this number? Remember your advice? Well, I used it. The white guy holds up the phone… and on it was the private cell number of Hillary. I know since I have a friend in the phone company.

He hit the send button, and this is what I heard.

Hillary? It’s Barack, What do you say? Last offer, you can be the Health Czar?

Come on Hillary, we both know you’re not going to be the VP. But you’ll get your spot.

It’s not a loser position, do you care about health care or not?

No, you wish Hillary, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m young and virile, besides, you can’t even keep Bill happy, you think he is hooking up with young girls all over because he is sexually satisfied?

Well, you don’t have to be in my administration at all, I don’t care. Once I’m president, I don’t care what you do. You can be the elderly bitch on the Senate floor who keeps whining like that Kennedy, but really, you won’t accomplish shit.

Ok, hold up, Hillary, I don’t have the time to waste. Just remember to keep your little supporters in line at the convention, or you won’t be getting any support to pay off the campaign debts, and be nice when you talk on Tuesday. Otherwise, kiss the millions you plowed into your disaster of a campaign goodbye.

With that, Barack hung up. He looked at me and smiled, I wanted you to at least hear that one, so that you know I do listen. Now, about this favor. I want to stick it to that bitch for all the grief she caused. I know you show up on Fox News all the time, do me a favor, and keep up the suggestion that Hillary can be my VP. That’ll really rile up the bitch. Heh, heh, and thanks again for the help. We’ll talk again soon. Probably after the convention, we’ll have to plot a strategy about how to beat McCain but let him retain his dignity.

With that, he waved, and a red Ferrari came down the road, and he hopped in, and just like that, he was gone.

So that’s my story. Karl ended.

I was flabbergasted. I asked Karl if he was pulling my leg. Karl said no, not at all. He just thought it was very interesting what Obama did. He never in his wildest dream thought Obama would ever be so interesting or entertaining. I asked if he was going to honor Obama’s request. Karl’s answer? Just watch the Fox News talk shows this week if you have time. I tell ya, George, politics can be really fun.

August 4, 2008

Regarding Number 2

My official statement is that I deny any knowledge of whether we may or may not have gotten Ayman al-Zawahiri. I know that CBS news is claiming they have this intercepted letter, I know that the Taliban denies Zawahiri is injured. That said, if we did whack Ayman, we probably wouldn’t release the information until the timing is convenient. You know, right around October may be? Just to stick it to the Dems in Congress.

Or may be if we did release the announcement, it’s because we might have something even bigger planned in October. Or, may be we don’t. Only I know, and Pelosi, you and Reid can just wallow in not knowing, and besides, we have to confirm. It might not happen until October.

But honestly, I don’t have an October surprise planned. No one does, I mean, if I did, I wouldn’t be talking about it out loud. And I can’t really vouch for Osama not talking during the election. You know, he’s free to do what he wants until we put him down.

As for al-Zawahiri, I give him the same advice that I gave to Hugo last week. Dude, you need to get on the exercise bike. I know they call you the Doctor, but you more than anyone in that outfit should know about the dangers of obesity. I mean, it keeps you from running very fast when the smart bombs are falling. Look, tell you what, will do you a small favor, and get a elliptical delivered to ya, scout’s honor, I won’t have the CIA drop a bomb on you right after delivery.

Ok, you got me, I was never in the boy scouts.  But don’t cry, why don’t you just give Osama a call, the boys at NSA are waiting.

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