The Personal Journal of POTUS

March 19, 2009

AIG

Filed under: Domestic Policy,Economy — fakepotus @ 2:47 pm

As I sit here preparing to dazzle the audience on the Tonight Show, I am reminded of the pain that the citizens of Americans are multitudes.  When companies like AIG excessively rewards failure at the expense of the tax payers, I am hurt.

Now, I am thankful that others have recognized their roles in giving companies like AIG such giant loop holes. But as I said, my administration take full responsibility for what happened, yes, we had a lot to do, but that’s no excuse.  We will fix this.  My good friend Charlie Rangel are doing the right thing by pushing to tax these excesses.   These people should not be reaping the rewards of their failure.

Having said this, as a nation, we truly need to carefully look at how people are compensated.  Consider for example the scientists who discover drugs, do they deserve their excess profits, let’s look at a place like Genentech for example, their recent takeover by Roche has made a lot of their key scientists rich.  Given their exploitation of the riches provided by nature, does it make sense for them to continue to pile up more money in the name of developing more expensive drugs?  In this case I would say these scientists who have become rich should for the social good to develop more drugs but without compensation more than your typical… say, social worker.  Or perhaps, we should consider taxing these same scientists at the 90% level that we will be going after the AIG crew with, after all, how are they any different than those greedy traders other than the fact that they’re successful, and let’s not forget, they’re only successful part of the time, they fail at developing compounds far more often than they succeed.

Now, I’ve digressed on the drug issue as an example.  But we need to have regulatory changes that aims to curb the excess on Wall Street so far, but in the long run, we need to push fairness across the board, not just the financial sectors.  Think about it, why does any CEO (like those on the big three) deserve any compensation at all when they fail their companies so miserably.

But fear not, this crisis has given us the opportunity to make the changes we need, and we will level the playing field for everyone involved.

March 13, 2009

Wish they were in charge

Filed under: Economy,Foreign Relations — fakepotus @ 2:21 pm

There are times when I think the world is just plain unfair.  We have an economic crisis, and what we need is hope and decisive action, but instead our European partners, those who had  been liberal and thoughtful has been replaced in the recent years by those who are conservative and not so much forward thinking.

The “united” opposition planed for the G20 to my suggestions that we need to further stimulate our economy is troubling.  Both Merkel and Sarkozy have decided to oppose me in terms of economic policy.  What we need now is not more naysaying and second guessing, we need coordinated actions to bring the world out of the current economic crisis.

That means we need to do what must be done by further boosting the role of government in order to ensure that the world economy is in good shape.  At times like this, I wish my old friends Chirac and Schroder were still in charge.  I’m sure they’d see eye to eye with me.  After all, they opposed Bush philosophically, so I expect agreement with my policies.  How can anyone other than cynics oppose hope.  It is my hope that the people of France and Germany see how their current leaders have led them on the wrong path, and will push for new leadership in the near future.

Part of me does wonder though, is it just that these are conservatives who are opposed to freethinkers that can lift the country from its doldrums, or is it more a case that France and Germany must forever oppose the will of the US.  I must ponder this, if it is truly the later, then this is troubling indeed.

Open Letter to China

Dear Chinese Leadership,

I, Barack Obama sincerely appreciate your thoughtful comments, and  generous acts of friendship in this difficult time.  I believe that our relationship is on the fast track since the visit by my esteemed secretary of State.

I would hope that my delightful sec State (aka 4th in line) conveyed my deepest gratitude for our lasting friendship, and you have my word if somehow there was a misinterpretation of her comments during the last visit, or perhaps a misunderstanding, I will speak with her regarding this issue.  I am certain that she would mend her ways so that she can maintain her jet setting ways to win peace and prosperity through diplomacy and SMART power.

Now, I appreciate your concern about our economy, let me just say that we fully plan to get our financial house in order on the finance side.  My genius Sec Treasury (aka babyface) is on the job. His actions have fully drawn the confidence and support of our allies in Europe, and I believe that a close examination of his handling the issues will provide you the same sense of assurance that our European friends have achieved.

As for the issues in the South China sea, my plan is to have an equally thoughtful response to your tactfully choreographed actions.  I look forward to a continued exchange of frank view of this matter, with a firm understanding of our relative positions (see page 66) in the world.  I fully anticipate that my message of hope will reach you and we will continue in a spirit of friendship that will endure far beyond our lifetime.

Sincerely

Barack H Obama

February 22, 2009

Tryouts

Filed under: Domestic Policy,Economy — fakepotus @ 6:47 pm
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This week, two wonderful American companies came the Washington to beg for more money.  Now, privately, the Spanker has been fielding calls from the two Chief Morons of the company as well as Ronnie from the UAW.  The call is all the same, Ronnie was saying that he delivered Michigan to us during the election, now it’s time to pay up.  I’m hearing the same thing from some of the guys in Congress like Carl Levin.

Now, I’m all sympathetic to saving jobs, and trying to salvage the auto industry.  But guys, come on, why don’t you actually hire some real marketing people, the plan you morons presented sucks.  My daughters could probably come up with a better plan that save money.  Let’s take GM’s plan for instance, they are off loading brands, and they feel if the American consumer can start buying record level of new cars by 2014 or something, they’ll have the loans paid back in full.  Now, this is the money we already loaned them and the additional money we’ll loan this time.  They just assume the market will turn around, but oh by the way, if it doesn’t, we’ll owe you even more money.

Then there is Chrysler’s plan, which is even more of a joke.  Guys, that’s not even a plan, that’s a frigging dream or something.  Give me a break, did you think I was just born yesterday?  You might be able to sell this load of crap to the morons in Congress, but I’m sorry, I am just not that stupid.

So, here is what we’re going to do.  You guys are each going to pick a team of five, and then we’re gonna have try outs.  I don’t have enough money for both your companies, so one of you will have to go.  The tryouts are a combination of strength, skills, smarts, stamina, savvy, and other attributes.  You know all the things that got me into the White House four years after I became a junior senator from Illinois.  Anyway, the winner, and yes, this will be judged by my panel of experts and myself.  The winner gets the money and gets to remain part of the American success story, or at least, survival story, and the loser becomes like the dinosaur.

Oh, and Ronnie, I do owe you something, so, I’m going to help ensure one of these two survive, and you still have Ford, so a majority of the UAW power will still be intact, okay?  But, I’m not going to keep throwing tons of money to you guys just because these two companies can’t compete with Toyota, Honda, BMW, VW, and Hyundai.  So, you need to do your part, and help the survivors get more competitive.

February 16, 2009

First Victory

Filed under: Domestic Policy,Economy,Leadership,Politics — fakepotus @ 3:45 am

Ah, the first job is done, the stimulus has passed.  Well, ok, to be sure the passage of the stimulus in Congress was a foregone conclusion, and unfortunately, it didn’t do enough of what I wanted thanks to those idiot Republicans and a few turncoat Democrats.  But that’s ok, I have the first thing I wanted in order to get the economy back on its feet.

Now, for those people who thinks it’s just a new president flexing his muscle, I say you guys just don’t understand this simple concept called leadership.  People need hope, people need someone to tell them things are alright, and that there is someone on the job, taking care of things.  I’m that someone.  That’s why I was elected the president.

So, here is the first in what will be a string of stunning victory for me.  I know this because in spite of all the incompetent helpers, bumbling allies, and stubborn opposition, I will get this country going in the right direction.  I will do what is necessary to make America great again.  And that, my foolish Republican opponents is why I am the leader of this country.  So, the stimulus has passed, it’s not perfect, and I’m sure I’ll have to do some more work on it, but I know it will get done.

So, tomorrow, on my day, I will sign the stimulus.  Now, onto fixing the housing problem, and the banking crisis.

February 11, 2009

The Spanker

Filed under: Domestic Policy,Economy,The Cabinet — fakepotus @ 5:58 am

You know, when a new administration comes in the Secret Service has a field day providing new code names to everyone.  I mean take Hillary for example, she is called 4th in line, and Joe is Big Mouth, I suggested for myself a name of upset kid, but the Secret Service guys declined it, since they said its their job to provide code names.  I asked and made them give me one exception though.  I got them to give Rahm Emmanuel the code name, The Spanker.

Now you people might wonder what kind of a code name that is.  Well, baby face (AKA Tim Geitner) found out today.  After that pathetic performance he gave today with his plan.  I felt it was only fair.  I was so disappointed with Geitner, he asked me for a clear field on Friday so that he could have the undivided attention of the country to unveil a plan that was better than what Hank Paulson provided.  Boy, did he disappoint.  After his rambling press conference, he managed to tank the stock market.

I didn’t believe it when Bush told me to becareful about the economy and to make the major announcements myself.  Since he said only the chief executive could restore confidence, don’t trust the underlings like he did with Paulson.  I didn’t listen, and did I pay for it today.  Could baby face have come up with a more vague plan… I’m talking transparency and he couldn’t even provide simple details on what he has in mind.  It’s so bad, not only did he tank the Dow, he is taking down Asia too.

So that’s where Rahm came in, after the day got done, I pulled The Spanker and Babyface into the same room, and I told Tim that he earned every bit of what he is getting.  Then I had him strip down, and told Rahm to get to work with the paddles.  After about the twentith stroke, baby face was in tears swearing he’ll do better.  I told him he’d better given all the trouble I got put through with his tax evading ass, or next time, he is not gonna be able to sit for a week.  So, if you guys see Tim walking a little funny tomorrow, that’s a reminder to all of you.  I’m giving all of you bozos the room the run with the ball, but if you screw up, The Spanker will be waiting.

February 2, 2009

Who won the last election?

Filed under: Economy,Politics,Republicans — fakepotus @ 3:18 am

So, you know I was looking at this past week as I’m cogitating this wonderful superbowl, and I had to ask Michelle exactly who won the last election.  I mean, we have control of the Congress right?  I am in the White House right?  So, what the heck is going on with this opposition from the Republicans?  I made nice with them too just a few days ago, I mean I sat in there nicely and listened to them.  Was very attentive, and I even made sure my party didn’t put in that $200 million for whatever it was that the Republicans were against.

This is just so dumb.  Not that it matters because the House still passed my bill.  Ok, now the senate better do the job.  I just have to turn one or two of the Elephants in the Senate, and the job will be done.  But for now, I’ll stay humble, and see if I can play one or two of those, may be a McCain or a Snow, or one of the other moderates.    Then I’ll have this thing done, and I can move onto my next deal.  Stupid Republicans, didn’t anyone tell them they lost the election?  Do they want to go from the minority party to the non-existent party? 

Now for those of you who are wondering why I did this.  It’s obvious isn’t it?  If there is a screw up, it’s Joe’s fault, just like if the Middle East falls apart, well, I have this superstar Hillary Clinton running it right?  So I can fire her ass if that happens, I gave her the ball and let her run with it, so succeed or else.  So, if either or both of them succeeds, See, it’s just like how Bush wanted to run his administration, like a CEO, except I don’t pretend to be like a CEO, I pretend like I’m the every man, but trust me, I’m not, I’m the best damn leader there is, I’m just humble about it.

January 14, 2009

Just how smart is George Bush?

Filed under: Democrats,Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 7:18 am

I swear that one of the smartest thing I did was to tell Barack that I’ll cooperate fully on domestic policies, especially in the economy.  I put it in simple terms to him right before New Years: “you tell me what you want to do, and I’ll do it, not just within reason, I’ll simply do it period, no comments, no extra conditions, you’re the new guy, you’re gonna have a touch job, I’m here to help.”  And what am I but a man of my word.  Last week, I made the request.  Just like Barack asked, and this week, just like the pal I am.

And what am I doing today?  Laughing my ass off over the inevitable confrontation that I knew would result.  What do I call this?  Delicious.  I meant what I said earlier about the fact that just because I’m on my way out, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.  Honestly though, it was more about trying to make sure Barack saw the reality of the situation.  Back when he was campaigning, he kept talking about the presidency with too much power.  Now that he is in charge, I know just how much he appreciate the power that Dick and I have gathered in the executive branch.  The power that Barack is now going to wield and be effective in making the American people strong and vibrant.

But I had to show him something first, and that was that his pals in Congress aren’t his pals any more.  They’re a bunch of lunatic wild dogs ready to throw him and granny under the bus for their political gain the first chance they get.  The good Lord knows I’ve had that experience with those jerks in my own party.  I had told Barack in my first meeting with him that he has to stand for his own principles, even if everyone else hates him for it and is trying to stab him in the back.  It happened to me, look at the Republican controlled Congress in 2004 to 2006, I handed those assholes control on a platter, and instead of doing good for the people, they fucked things over.  I warned Barack that this might happen, so I orchestrated this little showdown between him and pa Reid and ma Pelosi.  Sure enough, Barack saw through the bullshit that Congress tried to dish out to him.  And he slapped them around immediately with the veto, and he isn’t even the president yet.  I know this much, as I leave this office, I leave it in very capable hands.  Barack, it’s now all you, buddy, make us proud.

December 22, 2008

Punting the Ball to Team Obama

Filed under: Economy,Politics — fakepotus @ 5:22 am
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I got a nasty call on yesterday from my successor.  Apparently, he had enough time on his way to vacation, to give me a piece of his mind.  And he let me have it, this was the conversation…

BO: George, what the hell happened, did the shoes from that raghead newsie really hit you and they just edited it out on TV?

GWB: What are you going on about, Barack?  Shouldn’t you be having fun in Hawaii.

BO: Don’t give me that crap.  You gave in to the frigging auto industry, after all the tough talk.  I mean you didn’t even try to use what the Senate Republicans were giving you.  You just gave them a handout, whatever happened to the free market?

GWB: I thought you needed cover for when you came in on January.  After all, how would it look if you came in, and Chrysler and/or GM went kaput.  You’d have a crisis on your hand.

BO: What the hell are you talking about?  You’re screwing me.  Because you gave the bridge loan to these assholes, now in March, Gettelfinger and his bitches in Congress are going to essentially force me to give them more money without forcing them to restructure.  I’ll be stuck giving the finger to those bastards and looking like the bad guy.

GWB: Well, that might be true, but I did set certain goals for them to reach, and if they don’t reach it, you can always do nothing in March.

BO: You just threw me under the bus on this one, George… what am I suppose to do when Pelosi and Reid tells me to dump another $50 Billion into the big Three.  They’ll say that the car czar or whatever can run the companies.  Have you any idea what that would mean?  Do you think money grow on tress or something?

GWB: Well, you don’t want the American carmakers to go under, do you?

BO: Who cares, people can always buy BMW, Toyotas, and all of those.

GWB: We’re talking about jobs here.  Millions of jobs, at least that’s what your party keeps talking about.

BO: My party is as dumb as your party.  These guys need to get off their asses and innovate anyway, they don’t need to keep working in the crap industry that the Chinese are going to take over inside of two decades anyhow.

GWB:  Well, come January, you can call the shots.

BO: Oh that’s just wonderful.  I get all this shit dumped on my desk on day one.

GWB: Listen, it won’t be that bad, you have Joe Biden, he can be the auto czar.

BO: Are you out of your mind, Mr. Never had a good hair day in his life doesn’t even know the difference between a diesel engine and a normal 4 cylinder.  If he becomes the car czar, I may as well personally hand out pink slips.

GWB: Yeah well, the hour is getting late.  I need to be going  You have a good time in Hawaii.

I tell you, I’m glad it’s over.  Now that the end is in sight, I can just sit back and relax, the economy is now patched up enough so the dam won’t burst on my watch.  All I have to do is set things right with the rest of the world, and I’ll be done.  May be I’ll bomb Iran before I leave, save Barack the trouble.

December 13, 2008

The Intricacies of Leaving

Filed under: Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 9:55 pm
Tags: , ,

I am just trying to get through this last month and you’d think it should be just nice dinners and relaxing weekends, but no, I have to keep dealing with this BS.  Yesterday, Goldfinger (Ron Gettelfinger) called and begged for money after the Senate essentially tossed him out on his ass, something that I am disappointed about in public, but am cheering  about in private.

I ignored him, since I have no time for someone who has so little self respect, if you have to go out, go out with a bang, not like a whiner on your knees.  Besides, where was the UAW when I needed some help, or John was running?  Oh yeah, you were busy shouting, down with the Republicans. Well, fuck you, asshole, I don’t want to hear from you, you’re against all the free market principles I stand for.  And what do you stand for?  Oh yeah, ripping off your members with that ridiculous 1.15% fee.  Then about a third of that goes to the general fund, which lines the pocket of you and your cronies.   I hate leeches, and that’s what you are.  More than that, I think if we bail out the big three, you need to give a concession too.  Let me think, ok, how about you step down as the head of the UAW, and then you have nothing more to do with the union, and you give back everything you leeched off the union this year?

But of course I can’t just ignore this, because you’re also bothering poor Barack.  So I get this call from Barack, and he asks me to help him.  He says he knows he is asking for a lot.  Like, going against my own principles on free market economy, and then giving a lifeline to a scum like Ronnie, but think about all the workers that’ll be lose their jobs if I don’t act now.  This is for the good of the country, and hell, if that doesn’t work, he’ll raise the money for my presidential library.  He knows that the big three are dinosaurs that deserves extinction, but he would consider it a huge favor if he could dictate the terms of death.  He would like to keep mum on the subject as much as possible since he doesn’t want to interject himself yet into this crass politics he is just getting away from.

I was a bit disappointed to hear the offer on the library, since Barack is supposed to stand for more than this type of politics, whatever happened to the shining city on the hill?  But I told him I can more than pay for my own library.  I’ll think about this, and it comes down to this, either free market principles will rule, or we save the workers to get laid off another day.

So what am I going to do?  I’m still thinking about it.

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