The Personal Journal of POTUS

January 24, 2009

Team of Rivals

Filed under: Democrats,Politics — fakepotus @ 7:01 am

It’s a great book, it really is.  I read it and I got a lot out of it, people should definitely study this excellent piece carefully and see the brilliance behind the man.  And Ab Lincoln was a great president, yes, he is the original Republican, but he was one smart guy and my hero.  He pulled in all of the opponents in the country, and he managed the country during the bloodiest war in our history.  He did it by using the old maxim, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  He succeeded brilliantly, and that’s the real point behind this fantastic book.

It’s a model I intend to emulate the best I can, and so far so good.  By pulling these two wonderful people, my bumbling idiot opponents to be my #2 and #4 respectively are at it.  It’s like giving morons ropes to hang themselves with, and they do it.  Dumbass Joe Biden who can’t shut his mouth even when his foot is stuck so far up it that it’s coming out of his ass.  And the bitch Hillary and her “smart power,” she sets up something so incredibly dumb and she think she’ll run the place.  Well, go ahead and try, honey, when you screw things up, I’ll toss your ass out on the street, and then I’ll never have to hear from you or Bill again.

So, what does this all mean?  It mean I’m not as dumb as people think when I pick up Bill’s old colleagues.  Yeah, they got to Richardson, but I have my own people, and they’re more energetic, younger, savvier, and most importantly, smarter.  Joe, don’t expect Obama/Biden signs in ’12, and Hillary, get your resume updated, I expect three years at best if you keep going like this.  Hope you like retirement, because you’re not coming out of it this time.

Closing Gitmo…

Filed under: Foreign Policy,Homeland Security,Terrorism — fakepotus @ 6:34 am

I am a man of my word.  When I said I am going to close Gitmo, I meant it, when I said, no more torture, I meant it.  And I did it.  No more detention centers, no more secret prisons for the CIA, no more waterboarding.  Change is here, and I keep my word.  I said that I was going to make sure that we don’t compromise between our principles and keeping our people safe.  

Now, we know closing Gitmo isn’t going to happen overnight.  In spite of the fact that many of these people are real terrorists that deserve death, we cannot just throw them in prison, yet we can’t just convict them, because even though we have more than enough evidence and intelligence to know they’re guilty, some of the evidence were obtained illegally.  People like KSM are truly dangerous, and they can’t be let go.  I also can’t just have these guys released into the general population, because they are dangerous as heck.  I can’t just send them back to their home countries, but some of them don’t even have countries that want them.  So, we have to take our time to sort out what to do with these people and do it so it’s all open.

The thing of course that bothers me the most is that this is all Bush’s fault.  Why did he have to be so open, intelligence has always been a very closed business.  We don’t tell our people about our successes, we don’t tell people about our methods, and we sure as heck don’t open prisons in the open.  So, now, thanks to rendition, we’ve lost some of our capabilities.   Well, no more.  We are going to change things around here.  I promise you all, America will be safe, and we won’t torture.  

Consider this for example, we will continue our fight against Al Qaeda, except we won’t advertise any more.  These are just going to be suspected things, we will from now on neither confirm or deny.  Terrorists are going to die, they are going to talk, but they sure as hell are not going to be going to a nice comfortable prison, given prayer mats, fed nice meals.  I have better things to do with our money.

So, I had a short discussion with the operations guys in the company, I told them, you guys do what you have to, don’t get caught, because if you do, you have no cover, and you’ll go to prison.  Otherwise, don’t leave any evidence, and no bodies, and no frigging prisons, don’t waterboard because it costs too much money, bamboo shoots under the thumb nails.  If they still don’t talk, conveniently drop them off with the Egyptians, the Israelis, the Thais, and say, we need the info, and we don’t care what you do with the bodies.  But bottom line, don’t get caught, and don’t let America get attacked, cause if you do, no pension for you guys.

See, I know how to handle things, I have the audacity to hope, and sure enough, things will get better, and people will love us for it.

January 21, 2009

Change is HERE

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 7:30 am

When I woke up this morning, I had to pinch myself.  Then I turned to Michelle and said, hey, this isn’t a dream right?  I am the president.  Her response?  Go back to bed, it’s still only 4 am.  That said, here I am tonight, in the White House.  Holy smoke, George wasn’t kidding when he said the kitchen staff was good.  After we got back from the balls, I went down for a slice of my favorite pizza, and let me tell you, they didn’t disappoint.

But I know the real work is just starting.  Take this confirmation situation with Clinton for example.  I got a call from David this morning telling me that Coryn out of Texas plan to oppose the nomination.  David was hopping mad that the Republicans were already playing politics.  But I knew better, I told David to calm down and think it through, who had the most to gain from this little demonstration?  Not Coryn, and it’s not like Bush or Cheney are pulling the strings any more.  It took David a few minutes, and he asked: “Clinton?”  I told him, yeah, that’s about right, don’t know how they pulled it off, but it doesn’t matter, they want the spotlight for a few minutes to try to ruin my day, but nobody will care because they’re yesterday’s news.  Now, they’ll fade into the night.

As for me, I’m just starting, I haven’t been president for more than 24 hours and the good news are already starting to roll in, from Gaza to Europe to Gitmo.  But I know what it’s about, the audacity of hope.  If you believe it, it’ll happen, and I am just starting.  This is now my time, and I intend to make the most of it.

January 20, 2009

Activities of the Last Day

Filed under: Democrats,Foreign Relations,International Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 5:30 am

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

January 14, 2009

Just how smart is George Bush?

Filed under: Democrats,Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 7:18 am

I swear that one of the smartest thing I did was to tell Barack that I’ll cooperate fully on domestic policies, especially in the economy.  I put it in simple terms to him right before New Years: “you tell me what you want to do, and I’ll do it, not just within reason, I’ll simply do it period, no comments, no extra conditions, you’re the new guy, you’re gonna have a touch job, I’m here to help.”  And what am I but a man of my word.  Last week, I made the request.  Just like Barack asked, and this week, just like the pal I am.

And what am I doing today?  Laughing my ass off over the inevitable confrontation that I knew would result.  What do I call this?  Delicious.  I meant what I said earlier about the fact that just because I’m on my way out, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.  Honestly though, it was more about trying to make sure Barack saw the reality of the situation.  Back when he was campaigning, he kept talking about the presidency with too much power.  Now that he is in charge, I know just how much he appreciate the power that Dick and I have gathered in the executive branch.  The power that Barack is now going to wield and be effective in making the American people strong and vibrant.

But I had to show him something first, and that was that his pals in Congress aren’t his pals any more.  They’re a bunch of lunatic wild dogs ready to throw him and granny under the bus for their political gain the first chance they get.  The good Lord knows I’ve had that experience with those jerks in my own party.  I had told Barack in my first meeting with him that he has to stand for his own principles, even if everyone else hates him for it and is trying to stab him in the back.  It happened to me, look at the Republican controlled Congress in 2004 to 2006, I handed those assholes control on a platter, and instead of doing good for the people, they fucked things over.  I warned Barack that this might happen, so I orchestrated this little showdown between him and pa Reid and ma Pelosi.  Sure enough, Barack saw through the bullshit that Congress tried to dish out to him.  And he slapped them around immediately with the veto, and he isn’t even the president yet.  I know this much, as I leave this office, I leave it in very capable hands.  Barack, it’s now all you, buddy, make us proud.

January 11, 2009

What’ll They Name After Me?

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 5:12 pm

Couple days ago, I was out in Norfolk with Dad to see the Navy commission an Aircraft Carrier in his name.  It was a pretty proud moment actually.  The ship was fantastic, I had a quick tour, and I thought it was really cool that dad had a brand new ship named after him.  It was neat to actually see the bottle break over the hull.  Of course, it’s not the first time they put the ship in water, but I would love to get a chance to be on the ship a few years from now when it’s tooling around somewhere in the ocean.

Seeing this though got me to thinking, what would people name after me.  I mean I don’t really expect much, but you know if you see dad being able to receive an honor, it would be nice to receive the same honor yourself.  Now, the sewage plant was just plain insulting, but that’s what you’d expect for California, well, at least the loony northern part of it where they don’t understand respect for fellow human beings, and that they’d actually waste time talking about something like that rather than doing something serious, like balancing their budgets.  I also love this idea they have of flushing all these toilets, here is California with its chronic water shortage, and these so called environmentalists want to waste more of it.  Just goes to confirm my theory that those loonies up in San Francisco are all a bunch of crazy hypocrites.  But I digress, may be they won’t name a ship after me, I wonder if I can get the air force to name one of their new bombers after me, kind of like how they named the B-2s, with Spirit of Kansas and so forth.  I hope they try something more interesting though, like Hand of Bush, or Wrath of George.  Heh heh, that would be kind of funny.

Anyway, just a few more days of this now, the packing is still going on furiously, although I have to say, the perks of the presidency is still there, I can still enjoy the White House kitchen for a few more days.  Thinking today should be some type of BBQ chicken pizza, or may be some Curry.

January 9, 2009

My Retirement Plans

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 5:32 am

Now, amidst all the hoopla of the coming inaguration, there is likely this little nugget that has been missed by the media.  So, what does it really mean?  Usually all these kills are classified, and only the top most recognizable kills are leaked to the media.  But these guys are practically nobodies.  All of this is just a tiny little reminder that I’m still the president for the next 10 days.

Yes, my time of near paralysis in Washington is nearly over, Thank God.  Now, I can start doing my real service for America.  A quick sample of my physical prowess here.  Just watch those reflexes.   Now, for those who know me, this isn’t a surprise, I am in top physical shape, heck, just ask the Secret Service guys that routinely go on jogs or bike rides with me.  But that isn’t even scratching the surface of what I can do.  If I had wanted to, I could’ve leapt across the room and beat the living tar out of the so called journalist.  But since I’m the president, well, I’m really constrained by what I can do.  But the chains are about to come off.

Let’s face it, for the last seven years, all I wanted to do is get dropped off in the tribal region of Pakistan and go to town on the bastards.  But I couldn’t do it as president, the secret service wouldn’t let me.  But that time is about to be over.   Let’s see I get out of here on the 20th.  I’ll take a month or so off in Dallas.  Then I’ll be good to go.   I already talked with Cheney, and a private jet has been chartered, the small arms are all packed.  Then somewhere around the ides of March, I’ll be parachuting into Pakistan.  George Bush the private citizen… is coming, just imagine my face up on Duke’s body, only about 10 time s buffer.

Fat boy Ayman, and skinny guy Osama, watch out, cause ol’George Bush is on his way.

January 8, 2009

Initiation Day

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 6:32 am
Tags: , , , , ,

As you have all heard by now, today was the get together lunch I threw for Barack along with all the other former living presidents.  Now contrary to what the lovely Dana has told all of the press, 1981 was not the last time all the former living presidents gotten together.  In fact, it happens quite a bit more often than you might think.  The last time it happened was a few days before my inauguration.  Of course, it’s not ever publicized.  But during the lunch, we all went to the secret White House Dungeon… now I know most of you might be shocked to hear such a thing, but it’s true.  There is one of those, and the only people allowed in are presidents and ex-presidents.  Dungeon is also a bit old fashioned, they think one of the presidents in the early 1800s named it that because he had such a flair for the dramatic.  But it’s been around as long as the White House.  Just upgraded, these days, it’s more sophisticated, there is a few scanners that determines who gets to enter; and then only the sitting president has the keys.

Now, what do we do down there?  Two things.  First, there is the secret initiation, you might think this is some Skull and Bones thing, but not really, think of it more like the Water Buffalo Lodge initiation that the Flintstones enjoy in the town of Bedrock.  Now before all of you PC whiners out there cry racism, or some other silly thing, each president has to go through this, it’s a tradition.  Each time, the incoming president gets paddled by his predecessors.  When all is said and done, the initiation is complete, then you’re the official president.  Then you get to the second thing, where the incoming president gets the keys to the dungeon, and it’s not opened again until just before the next new president getting inaugurated.

The paddles are actually small wooden paddles just like the one they use in the Flintstones, and no, you don’t have to strip.  Each ex-president, and the sitting president gets ten strokes, and that’s it.  It’s up to the guy swinging the paddle to determine how hard or soft the blow is.  I remember when I got in office, Dad was kind, Bill kind of took it to me with a vengeance, Carter was Carter, not too hard, Ford was also pretty gentle.  This time was no different, Dad, I and Carter all took it pretty easy, but Bill went to it with a gusto.  I think he likes dishing out punishment a little too much, or may be this is payback for Hillary losing the primary.  Either way, he enjoyed it a little too much.  Then, when all was said and done, we all congratulated Barack, I gave him his only key that will ever truly belong to him alone to the White House, and we welcomed him to the fraternity of presidents.

And with that, it was pretty much my last formal duty as president.  Now, have to get finished packing and move on back to Crawford.

January 6, 2009

Behold, My Mighty Hand

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 6:04 am

I got up this morning, and I hear from Karl this little nugget.  I immediately call up my old buddy Bill and have a conversation with him.  The transcript pretty much speaks for itself.

GWB:  Bill, what are you doing?  What’s with the staffing Obama’s administration with your people?  I mean I know all the media morons believe this crap about team of rivals, but all I see is Bill Clinton’s third term.

BC:  George, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

GWB: Come off it Bill, I know what’s going on, Hillary as secretary of state, your guy in Justice as AG, Leon heads up the company.  Then the kicker, Bill Richardson voluntarily removes himself from consideration.  Not to mention all of those people from your administration in the various economic post Obama has filled.

BC: How do you know, it’s not Obama making these decisions, as for poor Bill, his decision to not seek the post is because of this contract thing.  You know how it is.

GWB: Bill, you know, contrary to popular belief, I’m really not a dumb monkey.  Everybody knows there is all this special backslapping and under the table deals going on, but somehow, only Richardson gets slapped down.  Then of course, there is this Blagojevich thing… tell me, is Patrick Fitzgerald on your payroll or something?  I mean this whole thing in Illinois is just the kind of thing you’d pull to distract a poor guy like Obama and slide other things under the door on him.

BC: Okay, okay, that’s enough.  Yes, I am pulling the strings here.  Fuck, what did you think?  I was just gonna go quietly away after eight years?  Remember George, I was supposed to have had my third term through that dummy Al Gore back in 2001, but that moron was so stupid, he managed to lose his own home state.  Then I have no influence in the White House.  I don’t get to run things in the shadow during 9/11 and Iraq.  I’m important… ok?

GWB: Come on, Bill, we all had our turn, my dad didn’t try to influence me.  You should let Barack have his time in the sun, he’s the president, let him find his own way.

BC: Hell no, George, did you lose your balls or something?  Let me tell you, Hillary was my way back into the White House, but then along comes this audacity of hope bullshit, and here I am in July looking from the outside in.  But remember, just like you have Karl Rove, I have guys like Jimmy Carville, those old southern hands are the best at politics.  So, he comes up with this backdoor strategy that I’m executing.  But I tell you, I’m not one to forget stupidity or betrayal.  Think about it, how meaningful is Al Gore these days, he makes a fucking movie, and Hollywood and the lefties think its something.  Everybody with brains know that this green movement is because you were driving the price of oil up, and forcing a tough choice on people.  Only idiots like Friedman would think Al Gore is an intellectual giant ahead of his time.  As for that fat Judas in New Mexico, well, he stabbed me in the back by endorsing Obama, and now that shithole in New Mexico is the highest he’ll ever get.  I’m getting my third, and fucking fourth term, I’m Bill Clinton.

GWB: Geez, Bill, calm down, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack the way you’re going.  I knew you were hard up to keep leading, but come on, you had your turn.

BC: What?  You mean you don’t think I was a great leader?

GWB: That’s not what I mean, you did a lot, but let somebody else have a chance.  Heck, you let me have my time.

BC: That’s because Dick, Karl, Rumsfeld and all your Texas pals were insulating you, so I couldn’t influence you all that much.  I deserve another two terms, FDR had four terms, did you know that?  I should have at least six.

GWB: Ok, that’s enough already, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.  Just don’t screw things up with these games ok?  I think Obama is actually a pretty good guy.  But don’t fuck up the CIA too much, I tell you, this Panetta appointment scares me.  Morale at the company matters, okay?  Hayden’s done a great job, don’t screw with the agency.  Don’t let them become ineffective.

BC: Look George, don’t worry about it, I know the agency is your turf and your dad’s turf.  Panetta is my personal puppet, he’ll do what I tell him.  And, I still do put America first.  Anyway, enough about this, I don’t want to keep talking about it over the phone.  You never know who is listening.

GWB: Bill, don’t be so paranoid, this is the most secure phone in the solar system. So, you still coming to the initiation on Wednesday?

BC: Hell yeah, it’s my third term, of course I’m coming.  And this time I won’t even be on the receiving end…. ha ha.  See ya on Wednesday, George.

Well, that was my conversation with Bill.  Honestly, I’m worried about him, I wonder if this is too much abuse from Hillary or if Bill is really this devious all along.

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