The Personal Journal of POTUS

December 31, 2008

Foreign Policy

As you all know, foreign policy has dominated my time in the White House, and let’s just face it, things haven’t really gotten better per se.  If I look back from the time Bill took over for dad to now, 16 years, and things haven’t really changed much.  Look at the mess in Gaza for example, and look at the rather muted reactions around the world, I say it’s rather mute since it’s the same old crap everybody spews every time there is a situation like Gaza, or Lebanon, or somewhere in Africa.  The world is outraged, the world is pissed, blah blah blah, but nothing really changes.  In a way, my conversation with Barack just yesterday reminds me of how I was when I entered the White House 8 years ago.

BO: George, what are you going to do about what’s happening in Gaza?  The Israelis are killing all these Palestinians, some of them innocent, and those fucking Hamas bastards just keep lobbing rockets and egging on the Israelis.

GWB: Barack, I’m doing exactly the same thing I’ve been doing the last eight years, and Bill had done during his time.  Pretty much nothing.  Condi is doing the normal bit of condemnation and call of cease fire, so are most of the others.  The Arab world condemns the Israelis.  Pretty much business as usual.

BO: George, how can you say that, people are dying… we need to do something… you need to do something.  I know the first thing I’m going to do is to send Hillary over to try to restart this peace process, hell, I’ll force the Israelis to talk with Hamas.

GWB: Barack, you know, I admire your enthusiasm, I was the same way when I got in.  I talked to Bill about his keeping up the effort to get Arafat and the Israelis together.  Bill just kinda told me what I’m telling you now.  That until you had a few years to deal with this crap,  you wouldn’t understand.

BO: What do you mean?  We’re talking about lives at stake here, every day we delay, more lives are lost.

GWB: Lots of people have tried, you know Tony Zinni was my special envoy there, I remember when I came out to the Rose Garden with Colin and said enough is enough to another round of suicide bombing.  But all that bluster, nothing got achieved.  Tony was all excited, but eventually he got so frustrated, that he just said it was because of Iraq that he’s getting nowhere.  It’s not easy you know.

BO: Well, we got to keep trying, George, I’m gonna send Hillary.

I laughed a bit here.

GW: You know, I’d rather suggest you send Bill over, I was talking to him the other day.  He’s keen to trying again, he told me that basically it was because he had to deal with two guys that he couldn’t get things to work.  But now on the Israeli side, they have that chick Tzipi Livni running the show and she’s got her eyes on the prime minister seat, and she reminds him of a hotter an younger Hillary, he figure he could just go over and melt her heart of ice with his charm, and get her to work with him.   The only thing is he needs a good looking woman from the Palestinian side, that way he figures a few hours of private time with them, and then, viola, instant solution to the Israeli/Palestinian problem.

BO: You’re kidding me.

GW: When you’re at this as long as I am, you’ll see where I’m coming from.  Listen, don’t let an old guy bring you down.  You do what you think it’s necessary.  Hell, Roosevelt didn’t beat the Russians, neither did Ike, nor Kennedy, or Nixon.  You just have to keep working at it, I figure we’ve been laying the ground work, and eventually, things will get better, I won’t be around to see it, you might be, but may be not, but it won’t be another 30 years before they figure that mess out.

BO: You’re kidding me, 30 years?

GWB: Yep, those guys have to get tired of killing each other, and they really aren’t at that point yet.  Might not happen for at least that long.  Or may be you can work up a miracle or something, but you’re pragmatic enough to know when to just sheperd things along.

That was pretty much the conversation.  I don’t mean to sound so negative, but the Israeli and Arab thing are just gonna keep going until both sides decide it’s enough.  And the only thing the rest of the world can hope for is that they knock enough sense into each other before they all manage to kill each other.

December 27, 2008

The Fun Side of Life

Filed under: Satire — fakepotus @ 8:42 am
Tags: ,

I am such a kidder… heh heh, you know, as I get closer to leaving office, I have more time to reminisce and relive my old days back in college.  I remember some of the pranks we pulled back then, like getting baking powder laced with sugar to one of freshman and telling him it was pure cocaine, and laughed our asses off as he tried to snort that stuff.  Or the time we got a couple of strippers and had them show up at the home of the dean, that was hilarious.

But as president, I’ve been all serious until now.  But today, I managed to pull one prank that I was rather proud of.  I told the air force to use one of their E-bombs on an island that were full of terrorists with WMDs.  Then, I got a couple of buddies in the Joint Chiefs to swap GPS coordinates, and we blacked out Oahu.  Five minutes after the black out, I called Barack on his cell phone, and asked him if he could turn on the TV with this late breaking story that’s just appearing on CNN about the Middle East.  I said that it would be good to get his advice.

Barack’s first reaction was to press me for more details, and then ask if my people could brief key members of the transition team.  I kept telling him that it’s all over the news, his people are probably seeing it now, and he needs to flip on the TV.  It takes him but a couple of second, and he comes right back and says: “Oh, ha ha, George, that’s a good one, you got me, nice black out.  A bit mean to screw with the vacation, but this is really good.  But wait till I’m president, then I’ll get you.”

I have to say, I’m impressed that Barack figured it out so fast, if it were an Al Gore or a John Kerry, they’d be frantic with worry about how the media would portray them in this dire situation and being out of touch.   Not Barack, he shook that one off like water on a duck.   That’s pretty slick.

I wonder how some other world leaders might react.  I am thinking may be next week, I’ll call Gordon Brown and tell him that I need him to redeploy the redcoats he’s pulling out of Basara to Africa, that it’s a dire emergency that only the British can handle.  Or may be I’ll call Olmert and tell him I’ll back any move he makes to Iran for the next 24 hours, and then call him off just before his planes reach their targets.  Oh man, the fun I can have with a touch of a few buttons.

December 22, 2008

Punting the Ball to Team Obama

Filed under: Economy,Politics — fakepotus @ 5:22 am
Tags: ,

I got a nasty call on yesterday from my successor.  Apparently, he had enough time on his way to vacation, to give me a piece of his mind.  And he let me have it, this was the conversation…

BO: George, what the hell happened, did the shoes from that raghead newsie really hit you and they just edited it out on TV?

GWB: What are you going on about, Barack?  Shouldn’t you be having fun in Hawaii.

BO: Don’t give me that crap.  You gave in to the frigging auto industry, after all the tough talk.  I mean you didn’t even try to use what the Senate Republicans were giving you.  You just gave them a handout, whatever happened to the free market?

GWB: I thought you needed cover for when you came in on January.  After all, how would it look if you came in, and Chrysler and/or GM went kaput.  You’d have a crisis on your hand.

BO: What the hell are you talking about?  You’re screwing me.  Because you gave the bridge loan to these assholes, now in March, Gettelfinger and his bitches in Congress are going to essentially force me to give them more money without forcing them to restructure.  I’ll be stuck giving the finger to those bastards and looking like the bad guy.

GWB: Well, that might be true, but I did set certain goals for them to reach, and if they don’t reach it, you can always do nothing in March.

BO: You just threw me under the bus on this one, George… what am I suppose to do when Pelosi and Reid tells me to dump another $50 Billion into the big Three.  They’ll say that the car czar or whatever can run the companies.  Have you any idea what that would mean?  Do you think money grow on tress or something?

GWB: Well, you don’t want the American carmakers to go under, do you?

BO: Who cares, people can always buy BMW, Toyotas, and all of those.

GWB: We’re talking about jobs here.  Millions of jobs, at least that’s what your party keeps talking about.

BO: My party is as dumb as your party.  These guys need to get off their asses and innovate anyway, they don’t need to keep working in the crap industry that the Chinese are going to take over inside of two decades anyhow.

GWB:  Well, come January, you can call the shots.

BO: Oh that’s just wonderful.  I get all this shit dumped on my desk on day one.

GWB: Listen, it won’t be that bad, you have Joe Biden, he can be the auto czar.

BO: Are you out of your mind, Mr. Never had a good hair day in his life doesn’t even know the difference between a diesel engine and a normal 4 cylinder.  If he becomes the car czar, I may as well personally hand out pink slips.

GWB: Yeah well, the hour is getting late.  I need to be going  You have a good time in Hawaii.

I tell you, I’m glad it’s over.  Now that the end is in sight, I can just sit back and relax, the economy is now patched up enough so the dam won’t burst on my watch.  All I have to do is set things right with the rest of the world, and I’ll be done.  May be I’ll bomb Iran before I leave, save Barack the trouble.

December 15, 2008

Kinder, Gentler, that’s what history will say about me

Everybody hates me, I get it.  I mean take this journalist in Iraq, he tosses his shoes at me, he hates me, but really, why do you hate me?  Do you hate me because Iraq is free from the dictatorship of Saddam?  You know, you’re lucky pal, you’re only going to end up in Gitmo.   If I were Saddam, you’d be hanging by your ears now, with your balls shoved down your throat.  But with me, I’m kinder, gentler, you’ll only have to be in Gitmo where you’re provided with three hot meals a day, a prayer rug, directions to Mecca, and what else, oh yeah, 24 hour heavy metal.  See, what a difference that is.

So you want to blame me because I liberated your country from dictatorship.  Or is it that you hate me because I didn’t do the same in Egypt.  Well, whatever, history will be kinder compared to insignificant fleas like you.  You think Gitmo is not nice, well, buddy, don’t worry, you won’t be in Gitmo for too long, once I’m done, Barack will shut Gitmo down.  It’ll look good in the papers, but you my friend will be truly screwed, because nobody will talk about what happens to you terrorist types after the books are closed.  My mistake with Gitmo and other places like it is that I was too gentle, too open, I should’ve known better, the American people doesn’t care if the CIA cuts off someone’s balls and shoves it down their throats.  They care about government doing its job effectively, and making sure our people are safe.  See, I went for this kinder, gentler approach, and all it got me is the hassles of being in the spotlight of idiot reporters.

Barack, though is no dummy, he will have seen my mistake.  So, there will be nothing public like Gitmo, instead, he’ll farm all the unpleasent stuff out to the Egyptians, the Israelis, our buddies in Saudi Arabia and so forth.  So, my friend, I hope that you are happy knowing that you have just managed to annoy someone like me at the worst possible time.  You might have just had a few years of Gitmo and then be let go, now, you’re going to Gitmo still, and then you’ll disappear.  Kinder, and Gentler, don’t you wish you hadn’t thrown those size 10s?

December 13, 2008

Corruption??? What Corruption?

By now, no doubt everyone has heard about the wonderful governor of Illinois: Rod Blagojevich (can you have a more difficult to pronounce last name?)  Anyway, the current news is that he doesn’t want to go quietly.   Of course, the fact that much of the controversy is surrounding the senate seat vacated by Barack is another quiet storm that’s brewing.  So far Barack has done well to deflect the situation.  But I am proud to say this is one of these preemptive strikes that makes me feel good about the presidency.

I had heard about this investigation from Mukasey way back before the election, and I told him to keep it under wraps since I didn’t want it to taint the process.  Then when this senate seat came up, the US attorney in charge wanted to wait until he could bag the whole lot of them.  He said it would’ve been spectacular, and would have gotten certain members of Congress and a whole lot of people in the Illinois political machine.

I won’t name names of course, but let’s just say more than a few “leading” politicians in Illinois would’ve been wearing prison orange – including a certain representative in the House.  The deal was on the verge of getting made when I had the attorney in charge force the situation. Get the Governor before the deal is done I told him, otherwise start polishing your resume.  Now he was really unhappy about this.  After all, he could’ve had dozens of heads mounted on his wall, and now all he gets is Rod.  But I told him, he would be a hero for doing it.  It took a lot of persuasion, but eventually he charged Rod before any deal would get done.

Now, I know what I did doesn’t seem right, after all, I could’ve bagged a whole bunch of corrupt Illinois politicians and smeared a bunch of asshole I really didn’t like.   But I just couldn’t do it to Barack.  I mean, he is going to be our shining beacon of hope, I couldn’t have done something like this that’ll hopelessly taint him in the first months of his presidency.  There were talks going on, and even though his staffers supposedly didn’t directly involve themselves, there were too many things that would look bad in public.  So I did the right thing and shielded Barack. He has important things to do for the American people, and little things like this shouldn’t stand in his way.

Hopefully, it’ll be a lesson to the rest of those corrupt bastards, and give Barack a better chance of keeping those bozos in line.   You know, I almost feel like Batman at the end of Dark Knight, where he is the real hero but takes a bum rap.  But that’s just me.  Protecting America the best I can.

The Intricacies of Leaving

Filed under: Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 9:55 pm
Tags: , ,

I am just trying to get through this last month and you’d think it should be just nice dinners and relaxing weekends, but no, I have to keep dealing with this BS.  Yesterday, Goldfinger (Ron Gettelfinger) called and begged for money after the Senate essentially tossed him out on his ass, something that I am disappointed about in public, but am cheering  about in private.

I ignored him, since I have no time for someone who has so little self respect, if you have to go out, go out with a bang, not like a whiner on your knees.  Besides, where was the UAW when I needed some help, or John was running?  Oh yeah, you were busy shouting, down with the Republicans. Well, fuck you, asshole, I don’t want to hear from you, you’re against all the free market principles I stand for.  And what do you stand for?  Oh yeah, ripping off your members with that ridiculous 1.15% fee.  Then about a third of that goes to the general fund, which lines the pocket of you and your cronies.   I hate leeches, and that’s what you are.  More than that, I think if we bail out the big three, you need to give a concession too.  Let me think, ok, how about you step down as the head of the UAW, and then you have nothing more to do with the union, and you give back everything you leeched off the union this year?

But of course I can’t just ignore this, because you’re also bothering poor Barack.  So I get this call from Barack, and he asks me to help him.  He says he knows he is asking for a lot.  Like, going against my own principles on free market economy, and then giving a lifeline to a scum like Ronnie, but think about all the workers that’ll be lose their jobs if I don’t act now.  This is for the good of the country, and hell, if that doesn’t work, he’ll raise the money for my presidential library.  He knows that the big three are dinosaurs that deserves extinction, but he would consider it a huge favor if he could dictate the terms of death.  He would like to keep mum on the subject as much as possible since he doesn’t want to interject himself yet into this crass politics he is just getting away from.

I was a bit disappointed to hear the offer on the library, since Barack is supposed to stand for more than this type of politics, whatever happened to the shining city on the hill?  But I told him I can more than pay for my own library.  I’ll think about this, and it comes down to this, either free market principles will rule, or we save the workers to get laid off another day.

So what am I going to do?  I’m still thinking about it.

December 8, 2008

Sigh… Another Bailout

Filed under: Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 4:44 am
Tags: , ,

Why do I feel like I’m in the last stage of my presidency?  Oh yeah, because I am, but instead of handing out pardons, I get to hand out bailouts.  Now this entire last year feels like a whole the last two weeks of a presidency.  Today is just one more nail in the coffin.  Yes, I’m surrendering to Congress’s demands… after a fashion.

I’m not really going to give them the $25 Billion out of the $700 Billion, or is it $800 Billion or a Trillion package I already dumped out.  I suppose it was a good thing that they aren’t going to use the money from the $700 Billion bailout, but really, what difference did it make?  I wanted them to give me the free trade deal that would make the economy faster.   But they decided to do things the hard way, and try to stick it to poor Barack.

Well, the free marketer in me says that they should be just allowed to fail, but I don’t want all of the workers to lose their jobs… even though the bailout would just delay that.   So, I just go ahead and deliver, I figure what the hell, just bailout Bear Stearns, sure enough a bunch of people lost their jobs, but it stabilized the system right?  But it was like a drug that went on and on.  Then came Fannie and Freddie, and here came Paul and Ben, and another one, and then AIG, but I put my foot down on Lehman, and it kills the company and cause the ripple that some would say caused McCain the election.  I guess I just had to stand by my principles just once.  But my decisions had consequences.

Oh well, it’ll be Barack’s problem come January anyhow.  So I should stop worrying about it now.  Just a bit more than a month to go I guess.

December 5, 2008

The Price of Leaving

At least that’s what I think I am paying for now. As you can see OPEC managed to not get consensus on production cuts. You know what this means? The frigging Saudis have decided that it’s ok to push back and keep us on the crack addiction known as oil now that I’m leaving. Those bastards have decided that since I have less than two months left in office, they can start hoodwinking the American public and I can’t do anything about it.

Gas prices are at multi-year lows, and if OPEC maintains this current rate of production, all of my efforts the last few years to keep oil  price high  and keeping America focused on going green might go to waste. Because in another year or two of this, no one is going to remember how much we are addicted to oil, and how painful prices at the pumps are. Come on guys, you didn’t think Gore’s film was what brought on all these alternative ideas right? It was capitalism and imagery, pure and simple.

Cost of oil going through the roof gives great imagery, and venture capital guys are busy linking oil to energy generation costs (think electricity), and then toss in Weird Al and his Oscar, and suddenly you have a winning combination with green tech. But it’s hard for consumers to keep stuff like this in their minds if they are too busy worrying about their jobs and thanking Allah that oil prices are at two year lows.  How do we know, have a look at SUVs, believe it or not, they’re making a come back.

I have half a mind to tell the Israelis to go bomb Iran right now, that’ll at least spike oil prices for a few weeks, enough for Barack to get in office and make sure that there is still momentum for green energy in next year. This sucks, all my efforts the last few years and taking public beatings are going to waste. OPEC managed to pull a fast one on me, dammit, I should’ve given the Israelis the go ahead to get Iran this summer.

Fresh From Business School….

Filed under: Democrats,Economy,Politics — fakepotus @ 6:12 am
Tags: , ,

I give you business plans from the Three Stooges (AKA big 3 auto makers). Hmmm, let’s see what they are offering. Oh, CEO taking $1 salary, hmmm, how much were these guys making the last couple of years? Let’s see Alan from Ford picked up about $40 to $50 million in three years, and how much in options again? Then, there is the idea that all the salaried employees are no longer getting merit raises or bonuses for the year, there goes the concept of meritocracy. Workers of the World… UNITE. Finally, like everyone else, they’re jumping on the electric car bandwagon. All this gets at least Ford to profitability by 2011. Hey genius, I thought the electric car technology wasn’t proven yet, let alone profitable, so, you’re going to get into more debt? If you bozos are going to sell the car for a loss, how are you going to get to profitability. Or are you just going for another handout in a few years?

Of course, this bogus plan is probably good enough for the Congressional morons to get rolling on the bailout. Ma Pelosi was already harping about how the big three must not fail, this is really silly, I can’t believe that they came up with this only and didn’t bother to put up union concession on the tables and are talking about it only now. Paying workers who aren’t working is just plain stupid. I wonder if they also thought about streamlining the idiotic dealership system. Of course, none of the tough measures that are needed were in the plan. But hey, these guys are coming from Detroit in Hybrids and SUVs, so that’ll make things so much better than corporate jets. These days, it’s the imagery that counts.

Frigging idiots, all three of these guys should step aside if they are presenting this type of business plans. But at least we got them to take symbolic $1 annual salaries, oh, but no mention of the stock options while the stock is at rock bottom pricing. This plan is the kind of cute stuff you’d get from a first year MBA student, full of holes, and no realism. How did these guys ever become CEOs? This is so moronic that only Congress will buy into it.

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