The Personal Journal of POTUS

October 8, 2008

October Surprise

Filed under: Economy,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 4:42 pm
Tags: , , ,

So, I got a call this morning after I got done with Bernake and company, and it was Karl again.  He asked whether or not I watched the debate last night.  I told him no, I hadn’t, I was busy preparing my October Surprise.

Karl’s response was predictable.  George, I don’t think any surprise can save McCain at this point.  Even if you went out to the press room and tossed Bin Laden’s head on the floor, I don’t think it’ll help.  McCain is done.  Stick a fork in the old guy.  He needs Obama to make a mistake, like may be incriminating photos of him with Bin Laden or a sex scandal or some such thing, but Obama is squeaky clean.

I suppose I expect that kind of response from Karl.  After all, he is a political strategist and that’s all he thinks about.  So I told him, no, not at all, I didn’t have a political October Surprise in mind.  I had more of a financial one.  Since Congress was so good in passing the “rescue package,” I thought I would put it to good use.  I had sat down with Paulson a couple of weeks ago, and told him that the US government needs to pull itself out of deficit spending.

Hank naturally agreed.   So, I outlined the plan.  He was to buy gold on the open market through secondary agents, and then start selling it off as the weeks went on.  Instantly flipping for a profit.  Paulson was naturally incredulous when he first heard this.  He started babbling something about this is not the role of the government, this is not the right thing to do… blah blah blah.

Now, in spite of all my comments about Paulson earlier, I really do like ol’baldy.  He is trying so hard, but like all the government types, he can’t think out of the box.  A year ago, I told him to start shorting stocks like Citigroup, Bear Sterns and so forth.  But he said the same thing.  Look at how much money the government would’ve made if we did that.  But the past is the past.  This time I was more persuasive.

I told Paulson – Look Hank, we need to straighten things out, when I told you to short those financials last year, you didn’t listen, if you had, we’d have made a fortune, it would have started getting us out of our deficit, which caused some of the problem.  Of course, it would’ve also ensured that we don’t do more deficit spending on the rescue plan.  On top of that, do you think those soverign wealth funds aren’t spending their time shorting our stocks like crazy last year?  Now, I am telling you to go ahead and buy gold.  You have some discretionary funds, so start doing it, and I’m about to get you $700 billion, so start the buy now, buy gold because that’s what everybody want to keep their money in.  Then when the $700 billion comes in, buy more gold, except in small increments, like may be two to three billion a day.  Then hedge your position by doing a slow sell off say a month or so from now, remember, you’re a Goldman Sachs guy, if you can’t make a profit now, you never deserved the title of CEO for that illustrious company.  By the time October ends, the deficit would be much better off because government would have more money.

Hank argued, but we told the banks we’d buy the bad mortgages.

I responded, and we will, we’re gonna wait on the sidelines and watch the value of those mortgages dip even lower.  Then you can initiate the buy around December or so, slowly of course, because gold wouldn’t have run its course yet.  That way, the taxpayers make a bundle on their returns, because down the road, eventually this housing market will turn around, and we can use this to make some profit and everything will be more to our advantage.  Besides, this is the free market, what we’re doing now with this rescue is more socialism, we don’t want that kind of an economy for America, do we?

Hank mulled this over, but I knew I had him.  Poor Hank was already desparate trying to convince the losers on the hill we need to pass this bill.  So he agreed.  No surprise there, Hank can be very reasonable once he sees the light of day.  Anyway, we’ve been slowly buying gold for the last two weeks, and Hank has already taken some profits, just a few hundred million or so thus far.  But, I figure by the end of October, our investments should be worth more than the $700 billion we got from the stupid rescue plan.  Then we’ll have gone a great way to both alleviate the deficit and get things calmed down, because we would’ve bought those bad mortgages at even cheaper prices with more moeny than we were given.

Heh heh, like I always said, capitalism and the free market works best when you’re not acting like a government trying to bail out everybody.  And now, I feel much better too.  See Barack, I’m definitely going to leave you a better hand than you’d have otherwise, and you know why, cause I’m George Bush, and I rock.


Create a free website or blog at