The Personal Journal of POTUS

August 29, 2008

My Last Convention

I’m gonna be giving out the opening speech at the convention next week, and I can say with 100% certainty, I won’t miss this. I had just heard early this morning that John McCain was picking Sarah Palin to be his running mate, my first reaction was probably like yours, “who????” I didn’t even know we made Alaska a state, who the hell authorized that? And if we did make it a state, why haven’t we started putting more wells there, we need the frigging oil.

Anyway, back to McCain/Palin vs Obama/Biden, I don’t know, the candidates don’t seem to be well matched. Old guy senator and unknown governor against inexperienced rockstar and another fuddy duddy, gawd, even Al Gore had better credentials. But I have to go speak to the conservative masses, I just don’t care that much, I’ll probably give my typical speech about all the brilliant things I’ve done in the last eight years. Not that people apparently care or even understood, but then I’m used to it. I don’t like the limelight very much.

In this I know I’m nothing like Bill, but then Bill has to pay for his popularity too, I know more people watched his speech than Obama’s. I’m happy to admit that Bill is a better orator than I am, I mean if you watched his speech on Wednesday, you know that the people, especially Democrats, adore him. It’s no wonder he can bed any chick he wants. Bill is the man along those lines, I’m more a man of words than action, I think we would’ve made a great team he and I. But then Bill has to pay for his popularity too.

I got on the video phone with Bill last night after Obama’s speech, and he was in tears yet again. And you could tell that the speech cost him, apparently after he and Hillary got back from the convention, the first thing that happened was that Hillary walked over to him and kneed him in the balls. And she cursed at him for giving such a fantastic speech, and then cursed him for ruining her chances at nomination by attacking Obama, and cursed him because she had to be humiliated by this nomination by acclimation crap. Then for good measure, she cursed him for being born and then slapped him around some more. Then she lashed out at all the people involved, especially those who didn’t back her or explicitly told her to quit or worse yet stabbed her in the back during the primaries, people like screaming Howard Dean, the shrill Pelosi, and worst of all, the fat Judas Bill Richardson, she went on naming names and talking about how she’ll get even with them, finally, she told Bill that if Obama is president, it’ll be his fault because he gave such a great speech and she was forced into quitting the race. She ended the tirade by slugging poor Bill in the guts again and apparently stormed off to curse some more.

I asked Bill why he doesn’t get the Secret Service to protect him, Bill was just shook his head sadly and told me that he tried it years ago, and Hillary always told the Secret Service to fuck off because this was a domestic matter, and it’s none of their business. In fact, she had done it so many times now that when he is with her and he screams, the Secret Service doesn’t even bother to come in the door any more. He used to be able to get Chelsea to calm Hillary down, but nowadays, Chelsea is nowhere around, so he suffers the abuse without recourse.

I told Bill that the best thing to do is to stay away from Hillary for a while whenever she gets mad, let her calm down. He shrugged fatalistically and said that it doesn’t help, if he goes away, she just builds up her rage, and he really gets it when he sees her again. I feel really bad for poor Bill, and hope he can get away from this abusive situation. But then, hearing Bill, I’m really happy that I’m not as popular as he is, I mean Laura never abuses me like this. Oh well, I better get on with this stupid speech and get it over with. I’ll be glad when this is all done in a few months….

Sarah Palin??? What the hell is McCain smoking?

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