The Personal Journal of POTUS

August 24, 2008

What About Bill?

You know, if there is one person who has truly suffered during this election, it would be Bill. I got a call from him on Saturday, and the poor guy was almost in tears. Apparently, Barack’s VP choice had sent Hillary over the edge.

Bill’s first words when I picked up the phone were, George, you gotta help me. Hillary has gone mental. Then he gave the entire litany of woes that has befallen him in the few months. He told me that ever since Hillary lost the nomination, she’s been brooding, and that she goes through stages not unlike an alcoholic. First, she keeps indulging herself in some fantasy that the base of the party would revolt at the convention and nominate her as the candidate. Then, when Bill tries to tell her that this isn’t likely to happen, she goes into a fury for a while, throwing glassware all over the place, screaming, I deserve to be president… you got to be a president, and I’m far more deserving.

Then, after an hour or so, she would settle down and start talking to herself about the fact that she would have to be on the ticket, they would be the dream team. Barack and Hillary, the unstoppable dynamic duo, this was inevitable, and there is no way that Barack would ignore her. Then Hillary would realize that Barack doesn’t give two figs about her, because he hasn’t even called except through his staffers to coordinate the few joint appearances in front of her crowd. After a few minutes, Hillary would demand a back rub or some other form of physical therapy from Bill. Of course, Bill is just reluctant to do this, not because he doesn’t like to touch women, but well, the few times he tried to calm Hillary before, it inevitably turned into an accusation session that goes something like, so, this is what you do with all those tramps and bimbos before you have your non-sex with them. You’re a pervert, an evil male egomaniac, and the list of insults would go on.

Then comes the money, now, Bill cares about money, but he is also at a point where he already pretty rich, and he is buddies with lots of rich guys who would always see to his needs and help him out. But Hillary can be a real tightwad, once she gets through the indignities of realizing she won’t be the VP pick, she then complain about how unfair Barack is. That she still has a ton of campaign debt and Barack he hasn’t helped her to settle her these, he could do it with just one of his little fundraisers. She doesn’t want to be out tens of millions. This would kill them, never mind the fact that Clinton and company still has millions more in the bank.

Finally, the last stage of her rant would be all about revenge on Barack. That she hopes McCain beats the crap out of him in the general election, and how she could help under the table with dirt on Obama. She would gleefully cackle about the prospect of Barack losing and giving her another shot in four years. Finally, she would exhaust herself in the revelry of the imagined revenge been completed and then go to sleep or something.

Bill told me that this was like watching an alcoholic go through withdrawal, except it was like groundhogs day at the same time. This cycle would happen every few days, and the duration would vary from a few hours to a whole day. In the interim, she keeps berating him, and prevents him from going out.

Bill was crying when he finally said, George, what can I do? I’m losing weight, I haven’t had my favorite barbeque in two months, no trips out west to see my lady friends, and yesterday, it was especially bad when it came out that Joe Biden was gonna be VP. Hillary just lost it, she ranted for hours about how unfair this was to her, what kind of a loser Biden was, and what a jackass Obama was for picking him, and how insulting it would be that she’d still have to put up a brave face in the conventions and say nice things about him. That she’d be damned if she raised a child in this kind of village, she’d burn it to the ground first… and so on.

I told Bill that it’ll be ok, it’ll be over soon, once the convention is done, at worst, it’ll last until the end of the election cycle. Then things will get back to normal. What else can I say? I’m worried about poor Bill, I would like a golf buddy to hang out with after I’m done here in DC — and Laura doesn’t mind having pretty girls around since she’s not threatened by them. But at this rate, poor Bill might not make it, and let’s face it, I already hang out with dad a lot, and nobody wants to hang out with Jimmy Carter.

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