The Personal Journal of POTUS

August 12, 2008

Hu and I

Filed under: Foreign Relations,Satire — fakepotus @ 9:39 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s good to get out of the office, and this week just really illustrated why. I went off to my last Asian trip, and it ended very well indeed. Got to be at the best opening ceremonies for the Olympics ever, and watched some great sporting events. Even dad was there. Then I had my 30 minutes one on one with Hujintao, China’s premiere after men’s basketball game between US and China. It was a private meeting since Hu’s English is first rate, although he likes to put an accent to it just for show, and my Chinese is still just good enough to understand whatever Hu wants to express in Chinese.

But for my last meeting, I thought I ought to conduct it a little differently, since it was essentially a goodbye. So after the doors were closed, I said, hey Hu, last time, let me start off with a joke, we’ve been just too formal all this time. I went on with the Who’s on First joke.

After I was done, Hu’s face was a bit taciturn, just a slight frown. It lasted a good ten seconds, and Hu didn’t say a word. But my face muscles must have twitched, and Hu bursted out laughing, he said, George, you should see the look on your face. You think I didn’t have a sense of humor or something? I love Abbott and Costello. Come on, let’s sit down. Hey, you want some fine Chinese wine? How about some pretzels here?

I laughed and said, sure, you have a few doctors on stand by I hope, the last few pretzels in the White House didn’t go down so well.

Yep, and they all know the Heimlich, he replied smartly.

Laughing aside, we got down to substance. Of course, the first things was that I congratulated him on a very successful Olympic so far. I told him that it’ll be great show for China, and that I was really impressed with the length that Beijing was prepared, even more than the last time I was here.

Hu of course got right to the point. Of course it was a good show, they spent years preparing for it. But he was not happy about my criticism on China’s humans rights when I was in Thailand. He says the usual that it’s an embarrassment to China, and he thought that of all people, I would understand better. After all, I had unusual connections here and should know better. Then he’s also not very happy about the idiots in San Francisco scaling the consulate wall.

I told him that the speech was kind of obligatory, and I had to do it as a favor to John McCain, I didn’t want him to have too much baggage with China as he kept campaigning for the presidency. With his history, it might really be hard to understand. As for San Francisco, what did he expect, it’s home of those left wing loonies, think about Nancy Pelosi, on the one hand she accepts gifts from China, and on the other, the stupid bitch is criticizing you guys to make herself look good to the voters in her district. But stop worrying about it, you can’t have everyone like you, just ignore the morons in the bay area.

Hu said he understood, but it still doesn’t feel very good to be always on the butt end of these pointless criticisms, after all, US and China are natural allies, and we shouldn’t bitching at each other.

I said sure, but let’s be honest, in this world, there is always going to be just one leading power. Right now, it’s gonna be us or you. We have to compete, otherwise, we’re going to both stagnate like the Russians did. And I know China would like to be on top just as much as the US.

Hu said that was true, but all things considered, Chinese are doing a lot everywhere. Look at the help they’ve given to Africa, to help build up the infrastructure, China’s donations after Katrina, and of course, in both Iran and North Korea, China was backing the US plays. It’s true that in both cases, it’s also long term self interest, because nobody wants to see Islamic terrorists armed with nukes. Look at what happened just last week in the Western province, and all the threats to China and the Olympics, but if China cracks down like the US has. China gets called abusers of human rights. Unlike the US which gets a free pass on cracking down on terrorists. Free press isn’t such a good thing.

I told him that wasn’t really true, I never got a free pass, even when things are working. When the economy was going well, the frigging press was coming after me about Iraq. When Iraq is going well, the press is all about the fucking credit crisis which they helped to create. It’s just insane. On that note, I wanted to thank him for the little joke in making the press wait on the tarmac.

Hu told me he was glad to do it, just to pay the jerks back a little for all the headaches they caused. Think about all the crappy press just because China messed up the national anthem during Phelps medal award, or this psycho that killed an American tourist. China tries its best to handle these legitimate problems, but the press just never gives China any breaks at all. Apparently, it’s more important that China censored the situation than the fact that someone lost their life. Nobody reports on China trying to make things right. So, if the press is pissed because there are legitimate security concerns, after all, there are terrorists everywhere, wise to take precaution and inspect everything.

I laughed, and told him, it’s all true, better safe than sorry. And I didn’t mind that those losers in the press got to their hotels a little late. I also thanked him for the handling on the stabbing, China did the right things, only the tabloids would want to broadcast the suffering and embarrassment of others around the world. Switching subject, I asked him who he wanted to see in the White House in 2009.

Hu told me that he’d prefer McCain, since that old codger was more predictable, and he understands the ins and outs of relationships. Obama on the other hand was more problematic, he’s a big unknown.

I asked, but then you guys have supported the Democrats in the past, all the Buddhist money for the loser Al Gore, and the Clintons too. So, Obama might not be so bad.

Hu said that all the donation for the Democrats didn’t get China anywhere, all they got was more pointless criticisms for no good reason. In fact, he’s tempted to get Obama’s half brother deported from China on some trumped up charge or something, just to embarrass the Democrats as pay back for all the bad press so far. May be selling drugs or underhanded business dealings.

I told him it was better not to, besides, all that’ll do is enflame the liberals who already hate you. And what happens if Obama gets in office, it wouldn’t be a good combination. Personally, I told him that I thought Obama had a good chance this time around, better to just sit back and watch.

It was amazing how much we are alike at the end of the day. But our conversation was short, we both had to get to our respective next item on the agenda. So, I told him that it was good to meet with him one last time, and if he ever visited the US, feel free to drop by Crawford. He told me that I’d always be welcome in China, just like dad, and then we parted ways.

I’m really sad that I have to leave after a nice trip like this. But I guess it doesn’t matter, I can always come back here after my term is done.


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