The Personal Journal of POTUS

August 29, 2008

My Last Convention

I’m gonna be giving out the opening speech at the convention next week, and I can say with 100% certainty, I won’t miss this. I had just heard early this morning that John McCain was picking Sarah Palin to be his running mate, my first reaction was probably like yours, “who????” I didn’t even know we made Alaska a state, who the hell authorized that? And if we did make it a state, why haven’t we started putting more wells there, we need the frigging oil.

Anyway, back to McCain/Palin vs Obama/Biden, I don’t know, the candidates don’t seem to be well matched. Old guy senator and unknown governor against inexperienced rockstar and another fuddy duddy, gawd, even Al Gore had better credentials. But I have to go speak to the conservative masses, I just don’t care that much, I’ll probably give my typical speech about all the brilliant things I’ve done in the last eight years. Not that people apparently care or even understood, but then I’m used to it. I don’t like the limelight very much.

In this I know I’m nothing like Bill, but then Bill has to pay for his popularity too, I know more people watched his speech than Obama’s. I’m happy to admit that Bill is a better orator than I am, I mean if you watched his speech on Wednesday, you know that the people, especially Democrats, adore him. It’s no wonder he can bed any chick he wants. Bill is the man along those lines, I’m more a man of words than action, I think we would’ve made a great team he and I. But then Bill has to pay for his popularity too.

I got on the video phone with Bill last night after Obama’s speech, and he was in tears yet again. And you could tell that the speech cost him, apparently after he and Hillary got back from the convention, the first thing that happened was that Hillary walked over to him and kneed him in the balls. And she cursed at him for giving such a fantastic speech, and then cursed him for ruining her chances at nomination by attacking Obama, and cursed him because she had to be humiliated by this nomination by acclimation crap. Then for good measure, she cursed him for being born and then slapped him around some more. Then she lashed out at all the people involved, especially those who didn’t back her or explicitly told her to quit or worse yet stabbed her in the back during the primaries, people like screaming Howard Dean, the shrill Pelosi, and worst of all, the fat Judas Bill Richardson, she went on naming names and talking about how she’ll get even with them, finally, she told Bill that if Obama is president, it’ll be his fault because he gave such a great speech and she was forced into quitting the race. She ended the tirade by slugging poor Bill in the guts again and apparently stormed off to curse some more.

I asked Bill why he doesn’t get the Secret Service to protect him, Bill was just shook his head sadly and told me that he tried it years ago, and Hillary always told the Secret Service to fuck off because this was a domestic matter, and it’s none of their business. In fact, she had done it so many times now that when he is with her and he screams, the Secret Service doesn’t even bother to come in the door any more. He used to be able to get Chelsea to calm Hillary down, but nowadays, Chelsea is nowhere around, so he suffers the abuse without recourse.

I told Bill that the best thing to do is to stay away from Hillary for a while whenever she gets mad, let her calm down. He shrugged fatalistically and said that it doesn’t help, if he goes away, she just builds up her rage, and he really gets it when he sees her again. I feel really bad for poor Bill, and hope he can get away from this abusive situation. But then, hearing Bill, I’m really happy that I’m not as popular as he is, I mean Laura never abuses me like this. Oh well, I better get on with this stupid speech and get it over with. I’ll be glad when this is all done in a few months….

Sarah Palin??? What the hell is McCain smoking?

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August 24, 2008

What About Bill?

You know, if there is one person who has truly suffered during this election, it would be Bill. I got a call from him on Saturday, and the poor guy was almost in tears. Apparently, Barack’s VP choice had sent Hillary over the edge.

Bill’s first words when I picked up the phone were, George, you gotta help me. Hillary has gone mental. Then he gave the entire litany of woes that has befallen him in the few months. He told me that ever since Hillary lost the nomination, she’s been brooding, and that she goes through stages not unlike an alcoholic. First, she keeps indulging herself in some fantasy that the base of the party would revolt at the convention and nominate her as the candidate. Then, when Bill tries to tell her that this isn’t likely to happen, she goes into a fury for a while, throwing glassware all over the place, screaming, I deserve to be president… you got to be a president, and I’m far more deserving.

Then, after an hour or so, she would settle down and start talking to herself about the fact that she would have to be on the ticket, they would be the dream team. Barack and Hillary, the unstoppable dynamic duo, this was inevitable, and there is no way that Barack would ignore her. Then Hillary would realize that Barack doesn’t give two figs about her, because he hasn’t even called except through his staffers to coordinate the few joint appearances in front of her crowd. After a few minutes, Hillary would demand a back rub or some other form of physical therapy from Bill. Of course, Bill is just reluctant to do this, not because he doesn’t like to touch women, but well, the few times he tried to calm Hillary before, it inevitably turned into an accusation session that goes something like, so, this is what you do with all those tramps and bimbos before you have your non-sex with them. You’re a pervert, an evil male egomaniac, and the list of insults would go on.

Then comes the money, now, Bill cares about money, but he is also at a point where he already pretty rich, and he is buddies with lots of rich guys who would always see to his needs and help him out. But Hillary can be a real tightwad, once she gets through the indignities of realizing she won’t be the VP pick, she then complain about how unfair Barack is. That she still has a ton of campaign debt and Barack he hasn’t helped her to settle her these, he could do it with just one of his little fundraisers. She doesn’t want to be out tens of millions. This would kill them, never mind the fact that Clinton and company still has millions more in the bank.

Finally, the last stage of her rant would be all about revenge on Barack. That she hopes McCain beats the crap out of him in the general election, and how she could help under the table with dirt on Obama. She would gleefully cackle about the prospect of Barack losing and giving her another shot in four years. Finally, she would exhaust herself in the revelry of the imagined revenge been completed and then go to sleep or something.

Bill told me that this was like watching an alcoholic go through withdrawal, except it was like groundhogs day at the same time. This cycle would happen every few days, and the duration would vary from a few hours to a whole day. In the interim, she keeps berating him, and prevents him from going out.

Bill was crying when he finally said, George, what can I do? I’m losing weight, I haven’t had my favorite barbeque in two months, no trips out west to see my lady friends, and yesterday, it was especially bad when it came out that Joe Biden was gonna be VP. Hillary just lost it, she ranted for hours about how unfair this was to her, what kind of a loser Biden was, and what a jackass Obama was for picking him, and how insulting it would be that she’d still have to put up a brave face in the conventions and say nice things about him. That she’d be damned if she raised a child in this kind of village, she’d burn it to the ground first… and so on.

I told Bill that it’ll be ok, it’ll be over soon, once the convention is done, at worst, it’ll last until the end of the election cycle. Then things will get back to normal. What else can I say? I’m worried about poor Bill, I would like a golf buddy to hang out with after I’m done here in DC — and Laura doesn’t mind having pretty girls around since she’s not threatened by them. But at this rate, poor Bill might not make it, and let’s face it, I already hang out with dad a lot, and nobody wants to hang out with Jimmy Carter.

August 21, 2008

More Than Meets The Eye

I was on my exercise bike at the crack of dawn yesterday, and I got a call from Karl, the first words out of his mouth was: “George, have you ever heard of the phrase… more than meets the eye?” I told’em sure, it’s usually followed by Robots in Disguise, it’s the old Transformer jingle, a cartoon from the 80s.

Karl went on, well have I got a story for you, it’ll seem like science fiction, but stay with me. So, on Wednesday, I got a call from somebody I never talked to before, caller told me to meet with him at the Potbelly’s sandwich on 1299 Pennsylvania around 11:30 or so. He suggested that I dress casually, at least that way people won’t instantly recognize me. He has some real interesting information on the election. He wanted to talk. I told him I felt better meeting at one of the clubs around DC, but this guy said that it’s better to do it in public, much harder to eavesdrop, and nobody would expect it. He could be recognized with a Redskin’s ball cap.

I figured I was gonna be in town anyway, so why not, and it’s a break from the normal grind. So I wandered into town, and made my way to the Potbelly’s. Before I actually walked in, I spotted this middle aged white guy in the Redskin’s cap who is munching on a sandwich, and head toward him. He sees me, and walks up to me, and hands me a bag and a cup, and says: “chicken salad sandwich and Diet Coke, let’s take a walk.”

I took the sandwich, and asked, ok, who are you, and what’s this about?

He says, great questions, well, let me tell you who I am. He pulls out his cell phone and hits a number. My phone rings, and I’m a bit annoyed. What’s this supposed to tell me I ask, what kind of game are you playing?

The white guy says, look at your phone, it’ll answer your question. To be honest, I was kind of pissed at this point, but I figure, I’ll play along. I lift up the phone, and I see the caller ID says BO. I looked at this guy, and I say, what the hell? Where did you get that phone from?

He replies, it’s my phone. I looked at the guy, and I was dumbstruck, I said, how is this possible? I know that is Barack Obama’s phone, how did you get it? Who are you?

The white guy smiled, I’m Barack, don’t say it too loud. People might think you’re crazy. But it is me, it’s amazing what modern technology can do, eh? Before you ask, this is a mask, something that the CIA developed. It’s perfect, my make up guy came from the agency. Nobody has the least bit of clue this is who I am.

I asked, but if you’re Barack, who the hell is it that’s running around and giving all those corny speeches?

Some loser actor from Hollywood, they’re a dime a million you know.

I responded, You’re not doing yourself any favors, have you seen the latest polls.

The white guy kept smiling, trust me Karl, the Hollywood actor I have on stage is managed by Michelle. He’s been there for about four months. And look what he’s accomplished, all he has been saying is bullshit about change and hope, and other crap. And the people are eating it up. I don’t need to be there. The polls don’t bother me, this way, I can have fun whenever I want and not get pressured into doing anything stupid. Oh, I’ll be there on the important occasions, like the convention, and the debates. No big deal. Besides, I have to make the race close, so McCain won’t feel so bad. We both know I am gonna win this.

But we’re not here to talk about me. The reason we’re here is because I want to show you the fruits of your advice, and of course to ask a favor. First, the fruits. Recognize this number? Remember your advice? Well, I used it. The white guy holds up the phone… and on it was the private cell number of Hillary. I know since I have a friend in the phone company.

He hit the send button, and this is what I heard.

Hillary? It’s Barack, What do you say? Last offer, you can be the Health Czar?

Come on Hillary, we both know you’re not going to be the VP. But you’ll get your spot.

It’s not a loser position, do you care about health care or not?

No, you wish Hillary, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m young and virile, besides, you can’t even keep Bill happy, you think he is hooking up with young girls all over because he is sexually satisfied?

Well, you don’t have to be in my administration at all, I don’t care. Once I’m president, I don’t care what you do. You can be the elderly bitch on the Senate floor who keeps whining like that Kennedy, but really, you won’t accomplish shit.

Ok, hold up, Hillary, I don’t have the time to waste. Just remember to keep your little supporters in line at the convention, or you won’t be getting any support to pay off the campaign debts, and be nice when you talk on Tuesday. Otherwise, kiss the millions you plowed into your disaster of a campaign goodbye.

With that, Barack hung up. He looked at me and smiled, I wanted you to at least hear that one, so that you know I do listen. Now, about this favor. I want to stick it to that bitch for all the grief she caused. I know you show up on Fox News all the time, do me a favor, and keep up the suggestion that Hillary can be my VP. That’ll really rile up the bitch. Heh, heh, and thanks again for the help. We’ll talk again soon. Probably after the convention, we’ll have to plot a strategy about how to beat McCain but let him retain his dignity.

With that, he waved, and a red Ferrari came down the road, and he hopped in, and just like that, he was gone.

So that’s my story. Karl ended.

I was flabbergasted. I asked Karl if he was pulling my leg. Karl said no, not at all. He just thought it was very interesting what Obama did. He never in his wildest dream thought Obama would ever be so interesting or entertaining. I asked if he was going to honor Obama’s request. Karl’s answer? Just watch the Fox News talk shows this week if you have time. I tell ya, George, politics can be really fun.

August 12, 2008

Hu and I

Filed under: Foreign Relations,Satire — fakepotus @ 9:39 pm
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It’s good to get out of the office, and this week just really illustrated why. I went off to my last Asian trip, and it ended very well indeed. Got to be at the best opening ceremonies for the Olympics ever, and watched some great sporting events. Even dad was there. Then I had my 30 minutes one on one with Hujintao, China’s premiere after men’s basketball game between US and China. It was a private meeting since Hu’s English is first rate, although he likes to put an accent to it just for show, and my Chinese is still just good enough to understand whatever Hu wants to express in Chinese.

But for my last meeting, I thought I ought to conduct it a little differently, since it was essentially a goodbye. So after the doors were closed, I said, hey Hu, last time, let me start off with a joke, we’ve been just too formal all this time. I went on with the Who’s on First joke.

After I was done, Hu’s face was a bit taciturn, just a slight frown. It lasted a good ten seconds, and Hu didn’t say a word. But my face muscles must have twitched, and Hu bursted out laughing, he said, George, you should see the look on your face. You think I didn’t have a sense of humor or something? I love Abbott and Costello. Come on, let’s sit down. Hey, you want some fine Chinese wine? How about some pretzels here?

I laughed and said, sure, you have a few doctors on stand by I hope, the last few pretzels in the White House didn’t go down so well.

Yep, and they all know the Heimlich, he replied smartly.

Laughing aside, we got down to substance. Of course, the first things was that I congratulated him on a very successful Olympic so far. I told him that it’ll be great show for China, and that I was really impressed with the length that Beijing was prepared, even more than the last time I was here.

Hu of course got right to the point. Of course it was a good show, they spent years preparing for it. But he was not happy about my criticism on China’s humans rights when I was in Thailand. He says the usual that it’s an embarrassment to China, and he thought that of all people, I would understand better. After all, I had unusual connections here and should know better. Then he’s also not very happy about the idiots in San Francisco scaling the consulate wall.

I told him that the speech was kind of obligatory, and I had to do it as a favor to John McCain, I didn’t want him to have too much baggage with China as he kept campaigning for the presidency. With his history, it might really be hard to understand. As for San Francisco, what did he expect, it’s home of those left wing loonies, think about Nancy Pelosi, on the one hand she accepts gifts from China, and on the other, the stupid bitch is criticizing you guys to make herself look good to the voters in her district. But stop worrying about it, you can’t have everyone like you, just ignore the morons in the bay area.

Hu said he understood, but it still doesn’t feel very good to be always on the butt end of these pointless criticisms, after all, US and China are natural allies, and we shouldn’t bitching at each other.

I said sure, but let’s be honest, in this world, there is always going to be just one leading power. Right now, it’s gonna be us or you. We have to compete, otherwise, we’re going to both stagnate like the Russians did. And I know China would like to be on top just as much as the US.

Hu said that was true, but all things considered, Chinese are doing a lot everywhere. Look at the help they’ve given to Africa, to help build up the infrastructure, China’s donations after Katrina, and of course, in both Iran and North Korea, China was backing the US plays. It’s true that in both cases, it’s also long term self interest, because nobody wants to see Islamic terrorists armed with nukes. Look at what happened just last week in the Western province, and all the threats to China and the Olympics, but if China cracks down like the US has. China gets called abusers of human rights. Unlike the US which gets a free pass on cracking down on terrorists. Free press isn’t such a good thing.

I told him that wasn’t really true, I never got a free pass, even when things are working. When the economy was going well, the frigging press was coming after me about Iraq. When Iraq is going well, the press is all about the fucking credit crisis which they helped to create. It’s just insane. On that note, I wanted to thank him for the little joke in making the press wait on the tarmac.

Hu told me he was glad to do it, just to pay the jerks back a little for all the headaches they caused. Think about all the crappy press just because China messed up the national anthem during Phelps medal award, or this psycho that killed an American tourist. China tries its best to handle these legitimate problems, but the press just never gives China any breaks at all. Apparently, it’s more important that China censored the situation than the fact that someone lost their life. Nobody reports on China trying to make things right. So, if the press is pissed because there are legitimate security concerns, after all, there are terrorists everywhere, wise to take precaution and inspect everything.

I laughed, and told him, it’s all true, better safe than sorry. And I didn’t mind that those losers in the press got to their hotels a little late. I also thanked him for the handling on the stabbing, China did the right things, only the tabloids would want to broadcast the suffering and embarrassment of others around the world. Switching subject, I asked him who he wanted to see in the White House in 2009.

Hu told me that he’d prefer McCain, since that old codger was more predictable, and he understands the ins and outs of relationships. Obama on the other hand was more problematic, he’s a big unknown.

I asked, but then you guys have supported the Democrats in the past, all the Buddhist money for the loser Al Gore, and the Clintons too. So, Obama might not be so bad.

Hu said that all the donation for the Democrats didn’t get China anywhere, all they got was more pointless criticisms for no good reason. In fact, he’s tempted to get Obama’s half brother deported from China on some trumped up charge or something, just to embarrass the Democrats as pay back for all the bad press so far. May be selling drugs or underhanded business dealings.

I told him it was better not to, besides, all that’ll do is enflame the liberals who already hate you. And what happens if Obama gets in office, it wouldn’t be a good combination. Personally, I told him that I thought Obama had a good chance this time around, better to just sit back and watch.

It was amazing how much we are alike at the end of the day. But our conversation was short, we both had to get to our respective next item on the agenda. So, I told him that it was good to meet with him one last time, and if he ever visited the US, feel free to drop by Crawford. He told me that I’d always be welcome in China, just like dad, and then we parted ways.

I’m really sad that I have to leave after a nice trip like this. But I guess it doesn’t matter, I can always come back here after my term is done.

August 7, 2008

Congress Takes a Break

Congress continues to stonewall on off shore drilling. Leadership is just sadly lacking in Congress, heck, I even started the ball rolling by lifting the moratorium on offshore drilling, I figure it’s my last year in office, what the heck. I’ll give Congress some cover, take the heat from the environmentalists. But do these guys pick up the ball? Do they even try to help?

No, instead these bozos decided last week that it was time to go on vacation, give it five weeks and hope the oil come down. It’s like they don’t get it, they figure that if oil prices are falling, may be prices at the pump will go down, and nobody will remember by the time they come back. Talk about burying your head in the sand, Pelosi and Reid are just evil. You know, I suppose if I were purely political I wouldn’t care so much, since it just gives us Republicans a wedge issue on energy when we get back in September. But you know, the longer you people take the worse it becomes.

I keep telling you moronic Democrats, that you can’t just gap over onto renewable energy the tomorrow, you have to keep using oil for a while until you build up enough capacity from renewables take over. But you still don’t get it. There isn’t going to be more capacity unless we put it in place, and that’s only an interim until enough renewables come up to take over. I mean hell, even Obama gets it. Add in some other proposals, the Republicans are fine with it, conservation is fine, more PTC for renewables, great. I think comprehensive policy is what we need, hell, it’s what I’ve been pushing for on an energy policy since I came into office. Yet, even now Pelosi is shouting shrilly “hands off our coast,” and as for Harry, he is not in agreement “with every part of it,” hey Harry, what do you agree with? Anything?

But I suppose not all of you are morons. There are at least five Democrats who see the light of day, I wonder if that means they’re in battleground states come November. I suppose it doesn’t matter, as long as you guys try to get a comprehensive policy put together, I’m with ya. You know, you Democrats need to stop playing election year politics, and coddling the environmental groups, they’re gonna vote for you anyway. They’d be crazy not to, so, blow the fuckers off, and do the comprehensive energy bill like I wanted for the last few years. Do it before the elections come up.

Well, at least my part is done, I can put up a few calls to the more open minded Democrats, but that’s all for now. Well, time to sign off and head on to the opening ceremonies in Beijing. I am look forward to some good Chinese food.

August 4, 2008

Regarding Number 2

My official statement is that I deny any knowledge of whether we may or may not have gotten Ayman al-Zawahiri. I know that CBS news is claiming they have this intercepted letter, I know that the Taliban denies Zawahiri is injured. That said, if we did whack Ayman, we probably wouldn’t release the information until the timing is convenient. You know, right around October may be? Just to stick it to the Dems in Congress.

Or may be if we did release the announcement, it’s because we might have something even bigger planned in October. Or, may be we don’t. Only I know, and Pelosi, you and Reid can just wallow in not knowing, and besides, we have to confirm. It might not happen until October.

But honestly, I don’t have an October surprise planned. No one does, I mean, if I did, I wouldn’t be talking about it out loud. And I can’t really vouch for Osama not talking during the election. You know, he’s free to do what he wants until we put him down.

As for al-Zawahiri, I give him the same advice that I gave to Hugo last week. Dude, you need to get on the exercise bike. I know they call you the Doctor, but you more than anyone in that outfit should know about the dangers of obesity. I mean, it keeps you from running very fast when the smart bombs are falling. Look, tell you what, will do you a small favor, and get a elliptical delivered to ya, scout’s honor, I won’t have the CIA drop a bomb on you right after delivery.

Ok, you got me, I was never in the boy scouts.  But don’t cry, why don’t you just give Osama a call, the boys at NSA are waiting.

Underlings

The problem with being the president is that I can’t do everything. I mean I need to deal with the foreign issues as well as domestic. Now, the ability of any good leader, or CEO is to be able to delegate authority. I think for the most part I’ve done a fair job. But I really depend on my underlings. I have some good ones, Condi, Hayden, Gates, heck, even Powell and Rummy when they were working for me. But sadly, I’m just can’t pick winners all the time… case in point, these two guys. I call them the Abbot and Costello of my cabinet, except I don’t get any laughs out of these guys.

I picked Bernake because Greenspan thought he was a good guy, and as for Hank Paulson, you know, I had some recommendations from some street guys, and I figure, well, if he made partner at Goldman Sachs, he ain’t no dummy. Boy, was I wrong, and I literally had to eat those bad decisions with that stupid housing bill I signed last week. Even now, I can’t stomach the thought of this.

I told Ben back in January of 2007 that he should think about lowering rates a bit, but what do I get from the professor. Oh no, Mr. President, wouldn’t do that at all, inflation you know, Euro rising. Hello, baldy, what did I tell you, you have to worry about all these ARMs that are gonna come due. Otherwise, people can’t refinance and things will go bad. Did he listen? No… of course not. Now you see what I’m talking about, and it’s too late.

So, when he finally realizes that the economy is in trouble, he doesn’t lower rates fast enough to calm the market. Then he goes and bail out Bear Stearns. Ben, what did I tell you about these institutions, you bail one of them out, and they’re all gonna be lining up at the window looking for a handout. Of course, baldy (the other one) decides it’s a good idea, so he blabs about the necessity of bailing out Bear Stearns.

Fast forward three months down the road, look who we have to bail out now… Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Of course, this doesn’t go far enough, then Bernake extends the discount window for the major financial companies until January of next year. Hello, these guys don’t need the frigging money, they have a ton of it, the problem is they don’t want to let anyone borrow anything because they are afraid of losing their money. If you are so interested in making sure people can borrow money that badly, why don’t you go ahead and just have the Treasury make loans. I mean it’s the ordinary people that needs the cash, and not the banks. Can’t you see that? You lowered rates so much, but the mortgage rates keep rising. It’s like you guys are bailing out water with a little pail, and on the other end, some jerk offs are laughing in your face and dumping in water with an industrial size pump.

Of course, Hank is whining about how some of these financial institutions can’t be allowed to fail. So here comes the scheme to protect these financial institutions from being shorted… mind you, not every financial institution or even every stock like the way the rule is supposed to work, but just nineteen institutions. I wonder if Hank is trying to help out his buddies or something. I mean, you guys let Indy Mac fail, why that, and not Bear Stearns? Talk about favoritism. Then there is Congress, they want to bail out everyone in sight, and they come up with this lame ass housing bill, which for all practical purposes bail out all these investors in housing.

This whole thing sucks, I mean I know you’re supposed to be helping, but at this point the weak needs to be weeded out and not coddled. If a bank fails because it’s a poor business, you let it fail. That’s the way things are done, let a few of them fail, and the rest will be even stronger. Look at JP Morgan Chase, look at Bank of America, do you see them falling over? But this advice is wasted. So what happens? I get Paulson coming up to me and telling me all this bullshit about confidence and propping up the credit market, and all that. Dude, if you did your job, I wouldn’t be in this position.

I suppose I should be thankful they’re not doing a McClellan yet and writing books. Anyway, the bill is signed into law, just what we need, more deficits, and more frigging government. Thank God, I’ll be leaving in six months.

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