The Personal Journal of POTUS

July 29, 2008

South of the Border….

One of the greatest disappointments I’ve had in my time at the White House is that I haven’t been able to pay as much attention to the Americas as I would’ve liked. I mean I’ve said my obligatory things about Cuba, and Mexico, but with so much on my plate I just haven’t had time to deal with the minor problems down south. As a result, we have this Hugo Chavez character in Venezuela doing his usual bitch about Gringos and Latin America is suffering because of capitalism. To be fair, Hugo came to power during Bill’s time, but I still feel responsible since I didn’t do much about the guy.

But in the grander scheme of things, Hugo is like the cute little chihuahua from those old Taco Bell commercials, all bark, and no bite. Give him one swift kick in his fat ass, and he’ll keel right over. After all, just look at what happened to good ol’Manuel Noriega. Panama as a country now is quite stable, and doing well after dad kicked out the machete rattling lunatic back in 89.

But realistically, I don’t need to send in the boys from the farm to clean his clock. If I really wanted to cap his fat ass, well, let’s face it, he isn’t exactly the smallest target in Venezuela. So, for the most part, I used the live and let live policy. But unfortunately, a side effect of my energy independence plan was to enable the fat ass to milk his oil reserves for more money. Of course, like any socialist idiot who don’t know shit about money, he has been wasting it on handouts. Take from the rich and give to the poor, yeah, the Robin Hood of South America, so, how’s that working out? Instead of having poor people wanting to work, you managed to generate a bunch of unsatisfied degenerates looking for handouts, and if you can’t give it, they’ll toss you out of office. So, I know for a fact that without ever lifting a finger, your days are numbered. Oh, and by the way, don’t ever threaten Columbia again, next time the marines will go in, cause nobody messes with my supplier, so back the fuck off, you fat slob.

But Chavez, pal, you realize that the whole reason you’re still there is because I want you there, right? I can think of a few reasons right off the bat. First, if you didn’t mismanage your oil industry so badly, the price of gas wouldn’t be going through the roof, and now, Americans are being forced to deal with the energy problem early, instead of suffering through it later. Then, you are buying all this Russian equipment and getting into this alliance with Russia… great idea, You have no idea how happy I am you’re doing that, you’re helping to prop up Sukhoi by buying outdated pieces of shit like the SU-27. I have no problem with you supporting the Russian economy, because if they fail, the world might actually take notice. But if Venezuela topples over… well, ask yourself this, if a bear took a dump in the woods, and no one saw it, did that bear really take a dump? And finally, who could forget your deal with Iran, fantastic idea to cut off oil to us if attack Iran. Kind of like cutting your own throat if I smacked your buddy.

But of course, the whole reason to buy Russian and getting together with the used car sales man is so that on the day the Gringos invade, you can get help from your friends, right? I can see it now, the day the 82nd Airborne drop in, both Putin and Mahmoud are going to send their navies across the Atlantic to help you. You realize that they’re probably laughing their asses off as soon as you’re out of the room right?

Anyway, fat boy, keep ranting away, keep going after your socialist agendas and whining about the evils of capitalism while your neighbors get rich. Then when they finally put you up against the wall and give you the blindfold, you’ll wish you spent more time on an exercise bike and less time rabble rousing and blaming us Gringos for your own stupidity. Have you looked at yourself lately compared to the old days? Think you need to spend more time on a bike, and less at McDonalds.

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