The Personal Journal of POTUS

July 3, 2008

Live and Let Live

Filed under: Foreign Relations — fakepotus @ 7:45 am
Tags: , , , , ,

You know, I’d like to think of myself sometimes as a warrior monk. When decisive action is needed, I send in the marines. But then when the situation is a little more delicate and requires a gentle touch, I get with other countries like the EU and I try to resolve things diplomatically. Look at how well this North Korea thing is working out. It’s a shiny example of how well I can walk a tight rope, of course, I follow the Reagan creed of “Trust but verify,” so the company is keeping an eye on Kim Jong Il, and we’ll monitor the situation. But I’d say the six party talks worked out pretty well. Now the Europeans are on board trying to get things worked out with the Iranians, and it’ll work if we give it some time.

But the wild card in all this are the Israelis, I just can’t convince those guys to back off with the war talk. I called Ehud Olmert last weekend again, but the conversation didn’t go anywhere as usual.

Well, to start off with the Israelis like their stupid little power games. You know when I called somebody, the White House operator always calls and then say: “Hold for the President” and I come on line, it’s efficient, after all, I have a lot of things to do. But the Israelis would rather make me hold on line, so they’d say something dumb like “Please hold for the Prime Minister.” But the White House operators are pros, instead of calling the regular line, they would have the Prime Minister’s cell phone, so they call directly and say something like, hey it’s your nephew Ben, I need some money, just kidding, “Hold for the President.”

Anyway, after the usual power play, I get on line and Olmert is there, and I say, hey listen Ehud. Could you like back down on the provocation and not flex all this muscle on the Iran issue. You know, the Europeans are enacting new sanctions, and both Sarkozy and Merkel are on board trying to contain the Iranians, you guys just aren’t helping with the situation. Chill out, I’ve looked into Ahmadinejad’s soul, well, on TV through his eyes, and let me tell you, he is one smart cookie. Even if he gets nukes, it will never be used against Israel, not even through Hamas or Hezbollah or those other nutjobs. Trust me, this soul thing works and I know the guy. So back off on beating the war drums.

Olmert of course immediately denies this. He has no plans to attack Iran, the exercise is just a normal thing. I cut him off right there, I got company guys in with Mossad, Shin Bet, and the Israeli general staff, cut the BS, I know they have commandos in Iran already, and even guys in the facilities, and the IAF is just waiting on the go word. I tell him again, don’t think about attacking.

Olmert is like, but Mr. President, you don’t live with the threat like we do, Hamas shoot rockets at us every day, even now. And frankly, your track record on looking into somebody’s soul isn’t very good, look at Putin, that isn’t turning out so well. Now he is getting on my nerves. I go, please, Ehud, back off the war talk, and don’t frigging attack Iran, the war shit is gonna drive up the price of oil for no good reason and hurt a lot of good folks. Trust me on this one ok? I got it. Besides, the Iranians know if Israel ever get hit with WMDs, you’re gonna send those nuke tipped Jerichos on their way.

Olmert of course denies this, but Mr. President, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We can only defend ourselves conventionally, we cannot afford to let the Iranians get nuclear weapons, just like we couldn’t let the Iraqis do it. Besides, we need to do this before Obama gets into office. I tell him, hey, do you know that Barack in Hebrew means lightning, Obama will look out for you guys, don’t worry about it.

Olmert tells me, you know, it’s just a name, during the Yom Kippur War, there was a Barak brigade on the Golan Heights, and they mostly got overrun by the Syrians. So, a name means nothing to me. Now, I’m really pissed, this bozo is trying to play me as a fool, he disses one of our leaders, and even worse, he pretends like we didn’t do anything for these guys during the 1973 war. They don’t respect Condi every time she goes over and try to work things out with the Palestinians, we give them billions in aid, and all they do is ask for more.

So, I lay down the law, I tell him to quit screwing around with the situation since it’ll fuck up everything we’re doing on the diplomatic front. Look at how Lebanon turned out, attacking Iran will be like ten times worse. So, I say, if you launch your air strikes, I know you have to either go through Jordan, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, may be even the Red Sea. But if you do this, you’re gonna either run into our Air Force or Navy. And you know, the IAF still has just those antiquated F-15s and F-16s. So, you put up your air strike, I know you’re gonna need tanker support, and what happens when oops, all the tankers mysteriously gets shot down by unknown aircraft from beyond visual range. Then your precious IAF is gonna run out of fuel on the way back, they’re all gonna crash in the sea or some frigging desert, and you’ll look like an even bigger idiot than when you attacked Hezbollah to get your soldiers back.

Now Olmert gets rattled, Mr. President, you cannot talk to us this way. We are a sovereign nation, we’ve been your best ally in the region, you cannot dictate to us on what to do, especially when it comes to our national survival, we have a history of blah blah blah, and then he rants on for another ten minutes. I didn’t pay attention since I heard it all before. When Olmert finally quiets down, I tell him, look, you’re riding on Sharon’s coat tails, this is too big for you, don’t screw things up even more than you already have. So, last time, don’t threaten Iran any more and don’t even think about attacking them… ok? BYE… Then I hang up before I had to listen to him rant any more. They never say anything meaningful anyway, but I think I got the message across.

Sometimes, the Israelis are the worst kind of allies we can have…. Why the hell don’t they just trust us, we have been bailing them out since 1946. Now they are just giving fodder for the Iranian nutjobs for no good reason, and driving up oil even more than I wanted to go up. Jeez, think I need to go biking in Crawford this weekend.


1 Comment »

  1. Well said Great information, keep up the great work!

    Comment by Eric Lee — July 3, 2008 @ 8:00 am | Reply

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