The Personal Journal of POTUS

July 29, 2008

South of the Border….

One of the greatest disappointments I’ve had in my time at the White House is that I haven’t been able to pay as much attention to the Americas as I would’ve liked. I mean I’ve said my obligatory things about Cuba, and Mexico, but with so much on my plate I just haven’t had time to deal with the minor problems down south. As a result, we have this Hugo Chavez character in Venezuela doing his usual bitch about Gringos and Latin America is suffering because of capitalism. To be fair, Hugo came to power during Bill’s time, but I still feel responsible since I didn’t do much about the guy.

But in the grander scheme of things, Hugo is like the cute little chihuahua from those old Taco Bell commercials, all bark, and no bite. Give him one swift kick in his fat ass, and he’ll keel right over. After all, just look at what happened to good ol’Manuel Noriega. Panama as a country now is quite stable, and doing well after dad kicked out the machete rattling lunatic back in 89.

But realistically, I don’t need to send in the boys from the farm to clean his clock. If I really wanted to cap his fat ass, well, let’s face it, he isn’t exactly the smallest target in Venezuela. So, for the most part, I used the live and let live policy. But unfortunately, a side effect of my energy independence plan was to enable the fat ass to milk his oil reserves for more money. Of course, like any socialist idiot who don’t know shit about money, he has been wasting it on handouts. Take from the rich and give to the poor, yeah, the Robin Hood of South America, so, how’s that working out? Instead of having poor people wanting to work, you managed to generate a bunch of unsatisfied degenerates looking for handouts, and if you can’t give it, they’ll toss you out of office. So, I know for a fact that without ever lifting a finger, your days are numbered. Oh, and by the way, don’t ever threaten Columbia again, next time the marines will go in, cause nobody messes with my supplier, so back the fuck off, you fat slob.

But Chavez, pal, you realize that the whole reason you’re still there is because I want you there, right? I can think of a few reasons right off the bat. First, if you didn’t mismanage your oil industry so badly, the price of gas wouldn’t be going through the roof, and now, Americans are being forced to deal with the energy problem early, instead of suffering through it later. Then, you are buying all this Russian equipment and getting into this alliance with Russia… great idea, You have no idea how happy I am you’re doing that, you’re helping to prop up Sukhoi by buying outdated pieces of shit like the SU-27. I have no problem with you supporting the Russian economy, because if they fail, the world might actually take notice. But if Venezuela topples over… well, ask yourself this, if a bear took a dump in the woods, and no one saw it, did that bear really take a dump? And finally, who could forget your deal with Iran, fantastic idea to cut off oil to us if attack Iran. Kind of like cutting your own throat if I smacked your buddy.

But of course, the whole reason to buy Russian and getting together with the used car sales man is so that on the day the Gringos invade, you can get help from your friends, right? I can see it now, the day the 82nd Airborne drop in, both Putin and Mahmoud are going to send their navies across the Atlantic to help you. You realize that they’re probably laughing their asses off as soon as you’re out of the room right?

Anyway, fat boy, keep ranting away, keep going after your socialist agendas and whining about the evils of capitalism while your neighbors get rich. Then when they finally put you up against the wall and give you the blindfold, you’ll wish you spent more time on an exercise bike and less time rabble rousing and blaming us Gringos for your own stupidity. Have you looked at yourself lately compared to the old days? Think you need to spend more time on a bike, and less at McDonalds.

July 27, 2008

Spawn of Slew

Of course, I’m talking about Cactus John McCain. Now, the term Slew might sound derogatory for those who don’t know it, but it was the nickname of McCain’s granddaddy in World War II. You see, Slew McCain was one of the pioneers of naval aviation and made a name for himself along with people like Nimitz, Spruance, Halsey, Turner, Mitscher, and so on… So, spawn of Slew is really a complement for the insiders. But I think it might be a bit too much of a compliment.

Anyway, I got a call from McCain this week, and he was really unhappy about how things are going on the campaign trail. He started with, Mr. President, things just aren’t going well, I told him to go ahead and call me George since we know each other so well.

So he goes: George, things are going horribly on the campaign. My advisers are a bunch of idiots, and the campaign is practically being run by monkeys and I had to get rid of the last two. I mean my message isn’t difficult, it’s stay the course in Iraq, energy independence, and they screw it up. I mean these guys are so incompetent that they can even get a decent backdrop for me on a speech. Lime green, looks like I’m drowning in a sea of puke, it’s no wonder that nobody could even get the simple message that I’m a leader people can believe in.

Then there is Obama, they’re treating him like the second coming or something. Like he is David Palmer, geez, that guy wasn’t even on 24 like I was. Worse still, the media is just bending over backwards to kiss his ass. Any coverage that isn’t toeing the Obama line gets slapped right down, look at the New Yorker, and all they did was put up a funny picture. I mean his first trip overseas, and he’s got the all the network anchors with him, it’s 24 hours a day Obama, I’m surprised there isn’t an Obama channel. Hell, I can’t even get the NY Times to publish an opinion piece, and the reason is that they didn’t like my opinion. What the fuck, these latte sipping punk ass sons of bitches, where were they when I was in the jungles of Vietnam. These are the same people who gives Ahmadinejad a wink and a nod on his visit here.

This is so screwed up, now people actually have the audacity to declare that they don’t want to be my VP. I mean who the heck does Bobby Jindal think he is. Hell, Bobby Jindal was still in diapers when I was suffering for this country in the Hanoi Hilton. Now he thinks he’s too good to be on the ticket. Probably too afraid to get on Obama’s bad side, or worse, may be he’s afraid of debating Hillary when she forces her way onto the ticket.

George, I know I’m doing the right things here for the country, and Obama, he’s a wild card. All he talks about is change, change, change, the changes of the change, and the need for more change. You’d think he was a Transformer or something the way he rhapsodizes about change. I can’t believe the better man is actually gonna lose.

He kept at it for a while, and well, poor John was in generally bad shape. I told him to not worry about things too much. After all, being a president isn’t everything, and you can still get a lot done if you’re in the senate. He mumbled something about how things are unfair, but would appreciate any support I can give him, and then hung up.

You know, McCain is a pretty decent fella, I know, I looked into his soul before. But the problem is he’s just too middle of the road, he’s not a man of action like me, or is he a man of words like Obama. And when he is treated unfairly, he vocalizes it, as if people really cared. Instead of whining about everything that’s going wrong and about all the attention Obama is getting, may be he ought to do something dramatic, like say: “hey, Obama, I can be your VP, how about it, we put our difference aside, and that would eliminate the whining from Clinton, and you could make like you were bipartisan.” It’s not a formula for winning, but it’ll change the conversation and stop the press for sure, but if he doesn’t think outside the box he’s like a ten million to one long shot at best. Anyway, I think I need another bike ride around Crawford soon, but dammit, have to do another fund raiser for the party this weekend, what a drag.

Dennis the Menace…

Filed under: Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 4:42 am
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So, Dennis Kucinich once again is calling for my impeachment, and he managed to put it into the schedule for the judiciary committee. To which I say: “BRING IT ON.” Actually, Dennis, the way I think about this, you guys end up being the loser no matter how this turns out. By you guys, I mean Congress, and more specifically your idiotic party.

Do you realize there is a problem with the economy? Of course you don’t, you narrow minded moron, all you care about is your five minutes on the small tube. But hey, at least your 2004 campaign got you a wife… good job, buddy, use the public to get dates. May be this little stunt will get you a kid or something. Anyway, thanks to you, the house (now run by Pelosi and her minions) look like a bunch of morons, confirming to the American people that you don’t care. This is almost as bad as the Senate holding hearings on major league baseball while the American economy goes to the toilet. So, instead of doing things like passing my energy bill and securing America’s energy independence, you hold impeachment hearings. Well, you go right ahead.

So, the worst case scenario for me is that your impeachment scheme goes nowhere. Then you guys show just how incompetent you are, and that you managed to waste your time and the time of the people along the way and not even for good effect. You get your two minutes in the spotlight, and then no one ever hears from you again. No skin off my back, and there is just a little galvanization of the conservative base to support McCain.

The best case scenario is that this impeachment scheme moves forward. Because if it goes, it ties up the country in knots through the election, the people would see the Democrats as a bunch of self-aggrandizing jackasses that didn’t care if the US economy melted down, and just cared about getting someone who is leaving anyway. Even if that went through, there isn’t enough time left before I leave office, and all you bozos will do is sap attention away from Obama’s campaign, and then you’ll kill his chance to be the next David Palmer. And for what? Even if you managed to get me impeached, my time is done, so there, have at it. I sure as heck won’t end up like Nixon.

Didn’t you idiots learn anything from the abortive attempt to impeach my buddy Bill almost ten years ago? I’m amazed how stupid you people are. I know my approval ratings are low. But have you seen the Congressional approval ratings? But hey, go ahead and knock yourself out, Denny boy, you’re just making the case for the American people about how useless you are, and how sad the Congress is, more power to ya.

July 20, 2008

Small Revenge

You know, gridlock is the order of the day in large cities and Congress. I hate gridlock, but I find in my final year, I can have some fun even with things I don’t like. For example, yesterday, I was out in a fundraiser at Napa. Apparently, I pissed off a lot of people because of the grid lock I caused with my motorcade going to Napa… you have no idea how happy I am to hear that.

If there is one state in the union that is a headache, it’s frigging California. Now, the reason I can’t stand the state is because morons they put into office, these bozos keep talking up these non-issues that doesn’t help the country, and they support morons like Al Gore who whine about inconsequential things instead of focusing on truly important issues like energy independence, did I forget the morons don’t bother to do anything useful for their own state, they just keep asking for handouts, yesterday it was for wildfires.

Now, you might think I’m just talking about the Democrats. Like the loser Gavin Newsom — hello asshole, how about fixing the city’s budget instead of bringing up a pointless political issue like gay marriage that got your entire state tied up in knots — or those morons in Berkeley, who wanted to ban the marines from recruiting… why don’t you bozos figure out the homeless problem without begging for more money from the federal government every year. Then there are the so called Republicans, idiots like Arnold Schwarzenegger, or as I like to call him Ahhh-nold… moron, instead of wasting your time fighting the Democrats on pointless stuff like gay marriage, why don’t you balance your state budget instead, or do something about all this excess growth of trees and stuff so that you guys don’t have wild fires every year. What is this, five years running, Gray Davis didn’t even have that many wildfires. And every year, you hold out your stubby little hands and with your fake mannequin smile, you say: “Mista President, you have got to help Caliiiifornia, the wildfires, they are being caused by global warming, give us more money.” I don’t see Oregon and Washington whining every year, why don’t you do like them, and terminate all this excess undergrowth that are the cause of these problems.

Now, besides the politicians, there are the cities they run. Let’s see two shiny areas come to mind. First, the cesspools comprising of Marin, Berkeley, and Frisco called the bay area with those self indulgent venture capitalists. Hey assholes, so much money, why can’t you guys be more like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet and set up gigantic charitable foundations and help the world. I don’t see any charitable foundations on Sand Hill Road or along 280. No, you sickos just want to make more money, where is Michael Moore when you need him to do a documentary on the filthy rich scums in the bay area… oh I know, he was bankrolled by you guys.

Then there is LA, the smog ridden, gridlocked sinkhole where your beloved governor comes from. Talk about a bunch of self-absorbed, brainless twits. Bozos like Sean Penn, George Clooney, and Susan Sarandon rule the day. None of them realizing that if they just kept their mouths shut they won’t look quite so dumb. Hey Sean, considering how your trip to Iraq turned out, would you like to visit Iran too? All of this makes me wish I can carry out the Lex Luthor plan and turn Nevada and Arizona into beach front properties. But my advisors told me I can’t do that without having to declare the entire place a disaster area, even Karl had no good ideas about California.

So, all I can do is little things like pay back you morons with a little gridlock courtesy of my motorcade… although I suppose you are already used to it. Yes, I used a motorcade on purpose, you know why? Cause I knew it would piss you guys off. Of course, the 200 SUVs used by the secret service had a big carbon footprint, of course I could’ve saved you all the traffic troubles by using Marine One. But I don’t like any of you, so there.

You know what, y’all should be glad that I only used Napa, instead of landing in Moffet and then coming up 101 through San Francisco, and parading around Berkeley during rush hour. But the Secret Service was telling me that the road conditions there were too hazardous, too many unrepaired roads, and potholes and drunks on the street and might actually inconvenience me. But I’m happy to say, you’ll all soon be Obama’s problem, and I don’t have to be your president any more. So at least there is that consolation for me, I only hope you guys don’t get the big one before I leave office, it’ll spare me the effort of having to visit your state again and declare you guys a disaster zone yet again.

July 15, 2008

Victory Delayed… But Victory Still

Filed under: Foreign Relations,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 3:47 am
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As some of you know, a few days ago I signed into law the FISA Amendment Act of 2008. This bill is designed to allow our intelligence professionals to quickly and effectively monitor the communications of terrorists abroad and help us protect our country by heading off potential terrorist actions. Now, it has taken Congress forever to get this bill passed, but they still managed it, and so that’s one more feather in the cap.

For those of you who don’t understand the law, in broad terms, it allows for electronics surveillance after receiving a court order for anyone in the US who may have been in contact with foreign targets. It does require a warrant in order to electronically monitor our citizens, both here and abroad. The courts will have oversight to make sure there are no abuses, and it keeps our telecommunications company safe lawsuits, and there is a process of judicial review for companies that cooperated with us to protect our country. Well, these guys at CNN explains it pretty well.

Now, ordinarily, this is not a big deal, and just another day in the life of a man whose job is to protect America. But in this case, it’s a bit noteworthy because as usual I’ve managed to bring into the big tent the opposition party. I know there are a number of Democrats on the list, but there is only one that really matters, someone who has come to see the truth for what it is, your next President, Senator Barack Obama. The truth is this, my idea is not some lame attempt at authoritarianism or to violate civil liberties – as if I really cared about the porn sites you liberals are surfing, but a genuine attempt to safeguard America from the evildoers out there.

Now it comes as no surprise that Senator Obama’s brave vote is being criticized by all those NIMBYs and liberal nutjobs who only whine about how bad America is, how horrible their lives are, but haven’t done one damn thing to help themselves. But Obama sees the practicality of this bill, he knows that when he is President, he is going to need some of the same tools that I’ve been using to keep the terrorist from attacking us again.

I’m glad that Obama decided to vote his conscience. It shows his strength of character to be able to put the best interests of America above those of the left wing loonies in his party. No, Obama is not making the vote to appear more centrist, he is making the right choice to help me keep us all safe until he takes over the job in January.

This is what makes this victory with the FISA bill all the sweeter, I knew I was going to get this done, but now with Senator Obama’s vote, I can see that the future will be safeguarded as well.  So, magazines like the New Yorker should stop with these insulting covers.

My Energy Policy

As I look out, one of the things that I will most regret is not being able to finish up the work on energy that I started. I told people that one of our greatest needs as a country is energy independence, and we started working on it. But the job takes longer than the two terms I have in office, I think if as a country we really worked on it, about two presidencies after Barack Obama, we should be in pretty decent shape.

Now, a lot of whiners have complained that the administration hasn’t done anything substantive, but that’s just pure nonsense. Cheney has been working on the problem around the clock since he got into office, yes, the meetings had to be secret, we don’t want a bunch of non-experts pitching in their two cents and then make a pigsty out of the whole thing. The plan that was put into place was simple, and elegant, but ultimately takes a long time because we’re a democracy, and everything in a democracy takes time.

So, first, we had to quantify the problem. We knew we were using too much oil, and it’s a resource we’ll run out of eventually, so we had to go find some alternatives. So, the first step is to come up with short term solution that can alleviate some of the problems. This is part of the reason why we had been pushing alternatives like nuclear and corn based ethanol from day one, not because it’s necessarily the cleanest technology or the most efficient, but it’s mature enough to be put on line quickly and can get the easiest backing from the slogs in Congress since it appealed to their basest interest, the farm subsidies.

The second step was to get some more oil exploration and drilling going on in this country. Why? Because it’s necessary, now most of the loonies would have you believe that oil is just used in transportation and energy generation, but that’s far from the truth, we have other products like plastics that require oil, there isn’t a way around that yet. So, we need to keep the oil supply stable as much as possible. Besides that, even if we drill for oil off the continental shelf and in Alaska, it takes about ten years or more to get that capacity on line. The capacity would serve as a nice stopgap to soften price shocks like the one we see now while we build up the infrastructure and technology for alternative energy, and would still be useful for other applications after we move our transportation and energy generation needs off to other sources. Yes, assholes, we need to build up infrastructure, the technology for efficient solar for example didn’t really start to happen until recently and still hasn’t reached pricing parity with oil and natural gas yet. Wind energy can’t be put in place tomorrow because both it and solar doesn’t have the infrastructure – the revamped power grid – to support it.

The last step is to build up infrastructure, both short term and long term. For the short term, we need more refining capacity of oil so we don’t get shocks at the gas pumps like what happened during Katrina. For the long term, we need to build up the infrastructure to support these alternative sources of energy so that it can get to the public quicker. But for that, we had to get the market involved, unlike a certain dictator in South America, we can’t just nationalize everything and mandate it, because it doesn’t work. This part would take private industry to make it work, and what motivates private industry? MONEY… that’s right, does anyone think T. Boone Pickens is running the ads on wind and natural gas because he wants to hug bunny rabbits? Do you think John Doerr and the Silicon Valley venture capitalists pigs that are backing alternative energy because they like throwing away their money? For that to happen, of course, oil prices had to go up, so then the alternatives would seem more attractive, and people can make money off of it.

Now there is energy efficiency. We can definitely do more there, but just like solar, you’d have to have the technology in place before we can do this stuff. In 2001, when I came into office, hybrid cars were barely starting up, and even then we couldn’t just mandate it because it would’ve wrecked the auto companies, and hurt the economy, and then we’d have no money to pay for alternative energy.

Last, but most important is psychology. Now, people might be wondering what does psychology have to do with energy efficiency or alternative energy. Well, it’s simple. Until the average joe sees the problem, i.e. get pinched in the pocket books with high gas prices, they aren’t going to want to change. If the public doesn’t support this, then it ain’t gonna fly. Until GM can make money on the mass market with plug ins and get the supporting infrastructure, people aren’t going to want to buy their electric cars, because they’ll feel too limited. Look at EV1, it doesn’t have the ability to go far without recharge, and there weren’t many places to recharge back then, so it flopped.

The visionaries are the people who know that change is needed, and how we can bring about change in a measured fashion that doesn’t wreck everything else. Lead by example, just look at my house in Crawford, a model design for energy efficiency if there ever was one. But to make everyone else think on the same lines, there has to be something in it for them, and that something is MONEY, just like the venture capitalists, people care about what value they can get for their buck. Now, because of the soaring gas prices, people are aware, and they’re willing to now buy more hybrids, use compact fluorescent bulbs, and invest in double pane windows. Why? Because they want to get more bang for the buck.

In the long run, when all of these things happen, we can be energy independent. The solution isn’t something of a short term fix, like the idiot Nancy Pelosi was suggesting… open up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR), hello, moron, that’s for national emergencies, like when nobody else ships us oil, and our own capacity isn’t online because you’ve blocked it, it’s not for lowering oil price for the short term. What would you like? To saddle the American people with even more debt when we have to fill it again later at even higher prices?

My biggest regret is that I can only start the job, and not finish it, this doesn’t sit too well with the Texan in me, but that’s the way it is. I couldn’t just go to Congress, because then, like my social security plan, nothing will come out of it, and this is too important. But like Cheney told me, we have to get the ball rolling even if it is uphill. The next guy in this chair is still going to have to push the ball uphill a bit more, but I think Obama will have an easier time once he does this for a bit, because the hard part is already done, now that the market is getting involved, things will start to happen faster. So, my part of the job is done, I’ve managed to generate interests and awareness, and it’s all downhill from here.

Tony Snow

Filed under: Uncategorized — fakepotus @ 3:31 am
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For those who hadn’t heard yet, Tony Snow, my previous press secretary passed away over the weekend. Tony was just a great guy, even though he was battling cancer the second time, he still found time to work at the White House. Just a classy guy all around, now I remember when he was on the radio and on Fox News, he kept criticizing the administration and me on various policy decisions. But once he joined the team, he never brought his complaint up in public, if he disagreed, he told me about it in private, but always did his job like a pro and worked well with the White House Press, who can be a bunch of assholes from time to time. But Tony was a great guy, and did a lot for this administration, and I for one will miss him, not only for his candor, but loyalty, unlike a certain other know-it-all-book-writing-backstabbing-fat press secretary from Austin who shall not be named here.

Anyway, Laura and I send our condolences to Tony’s family. He was just a classy guy all around.

July 11, 2008

Three…. No… Four Missiles of DOOM

This is just too funny.  I got up this morning and somebody handed me this hilarious USA Today article.  It talked about how news organizations were duped by the Iranian government.  I just couldn’t stop laughing.  I just feel so bad for Ahmadinejad, I mean here is this guy who is trying to do his poor best to keep his government from becoming a laughing stock like Venezuela, and his has a bunch of stupid underlings who screws it up for him.

Mahmoud, buddy, I know I’d never talk to you directly, but here is a word of advice, at least you live in a dictatorship, and you can have the guy who did such a poor photoshop job executed.  Morons are all around you, no matter how smart you are.

And thanks to him, you got skewered two ways.  First, you’re an aggressive power that is trying to threaten the world with your missiles.  Then you’re an incompetent boob because your people are so dumb that they can’t even do a decent photoshop job to fool the morons in the press.  So, now you’re gonna get labeled as an aggressive incompetent.  Heh heh, Tell you what, give up your nukes, and I’ll ship over a couple of aides from Congress, they’re real experts at photoshop.  They can photoshop you with all the playmates of the last decade and make you look ten years younger, and it’ll pass any examination by the press.  That way, you’ll stop my headaches with the Israelis who want to bomb you and make the situation even worse.

Brilliant…

Filed under: Elections,Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 1:29 am
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On the way back from the G8, I got a call from Karl, and he asked if I had saw the latest news about Obama, and then he briefed me on the latest happenings.

Essentially it’s been just another brilliant move by Obama, since he has pretty much diffused the black candidate image with his broader appeal at this point. Now he has taken the race issue away from Jackson by his call for responsibility, and of course if Jackson desire “to cut off his nuts” helped Obama that much more  by showing how much Jackson is on the fringe.

No wonder Jackson is steamed, if there isn’t racial tension that he can point to, then he can’t shake down big companies for money quite as easily as before. Having a black president means these so called activists can’t keep ranting about white man in power keeping down the other races and playing the race card at every opportunity. If they do, then they’d have to call Obama something nasty like what they kept calling Colin and Condi when they were in public service and that’ll really piss off their own base.

Obama managed to avoid having Jackson drag him down into the mud of race politics just as smartly as he avoided Bill’s jabs in South Carolina during the primary. Since Jackson’s own son pretty much denounced him and what he had said, that pretty much put paid to whatever other influence Jackson might have in this election.

The best part of this whole thing is that Obama is keeping himself focused on the important stuff, like energy policies and the environment. It’s still a lot of talk at this point, but Obama is set up to do a lot of good when he becomes president. He will have some historic opportunities, after all as the saying goes, only Nixon can go to China, so only someone like Obama would have the credibility to marginalizes people like Jackson and their so called race issues. He will set a more positive tone for the country, and that’ll make it a better America all around.

You know, I wonder if McCain will mind if I vote for Obama in November.

My Last G8

Well, my last G8 meeting is done, and I have to say, it was pretty productive for a meeting of a bunch of talking heads who does nothing but babble on and on. But still, more accomplishments for the record books even though people won’t understand the impact of my accomplishments for decades to come.

I mean look at what was accomplished. I enlarged the tent once again and included countries like China, India, Brazil, all vibrant growing economies into the climate discussion. After all, it was high time that old Europe showed some respect to the new global growth engines instead of ignoring them like they did with the Kyoto protocols. We got a deal to halve the greenhouse gas emissions by 2050, sure some tree hugging nut jobs called it toothless, because not everybody could agree on specific targets.

Duh, you morons, we had to get everybody to the table first, you know there is a saying, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’ve been working on this climate problem since I came into office, the brilliant move when I rejected the Kyoto protocols because it didn’t include everyone. What would be the point if half the world stopped emitting green house gases, but the other half doubled their emissions. You think pollution in China isn’t going to wind up in Europe or the states? We all live on this planet, and not in little silos. B ut then all these so called environmentalists are a bunch of liberal whiny Not In My Back Yarders (NIMBYs) like a certain someone who opposed the Cape Wind project even though he is such a progressive on environmental matters.

Besides the climate, we also talked about releasing food stocks to help with the growing price of food, we talked about holding a special forum focusing on energy efficiency, as well as alternative energy, and more refining capacities to tide us over in the interim, and of course helping out Africa by setting up a $60 billion dollar fund to fight disease. Where do you think most of that money will come from, of course, the good ol’ USA. Look at our track record, it speaks for itself. We’re the most generous country in the world, but we don’t ever get any credit for it. We know when leadership by example make sense, take Zimbabwe for example, even though we have countries like Russia opposing legitimate sanctions on dictators like Mugabe, I’ll keep pushing for it just like I pushed for Iraq. Because it was the right thing to do.

Speaking of Russia, I told the press that I found Medvedev to be a smart guy who understood the issues very well. But there is a very nice subtext that everyone might have missed, this is equivalent to my universally misunderstood look into Putin’ soul, which was equally brilliant since I pegged the guy for the snake in the grass that he was on the first meeting. My point to Medvedev was that I knew what his role was – mouth piece for Putin, and all he had to do was be a good lapdog and deliver my message. Very simply: there is gonna be a missile shield for Europe, we’re gonna keep pushing Iran until they give up their nukes. Like it or not, you guys have to know your place, which is somewhere behind Japan, China, and a bunch of other countries. Now since none of you were up close to Medvedev, you wouldn’t have seen the tiny beads of sweat forming as I was composing my message for him to deliver to Putin. Well, Medvedev, don’t worry, Putin probably know better than to give a brain hemorrhage to his meat puppet, after all, he would be forced to go through another election. So, get comfortable in your role, buddy, you’ll be in it for a while, at least until the next so called election you guys in Russia hold.

Anyway, all in all, I’m glad we were in Japan for the last G8. I really do like sushi, oh, and whale meat… it’s called Kujira in Japan you know. Tastes just like beef, too bad we can’t have that in the US. People will love seafood that tastes like beef.

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