The Personal Journal of POTUS

June 4, 2008

Calls from Team Clinton…

One of the big perks of presidents, and VPs (both current and former) is that we get our own top of the line communications capability. It dates back to Teddy Roosevelt, who thought it would be a good idea to be able to talk to former presidents and bounce ideas off of them. Back then it was telegraphs and telephones, now it’s gotten more sophisticated, we have these personal cell phones that are super encrypted and have all these neat functionalities. They have GPS, iPod, video streaming and all sorts of stuff loaded on them, and they’re just little thicker than a credit card, really cool stuff. These things basically allow the former presidents and VPs to form an old boys network. So, if Bill wants a favor, he calls, and if I need advice, I would call him, or may be dad, or even Dan Quayle… ok, just kidding, nobody calls Dan Quayle.

Anyway, I’m up on the tread mill this morning, and I get a call from Bill this morning, or at least I thought it was Bill until I picked up. Hillary was on the phone, and she was hysterical. I would be surprised that she hijacked Bill’s phone, except this wasn’t the first time.

George, did you see what happened over the weekend? Those fuckers at the DNC gave Obama half the votes from Michigan. I mean what the fuck, he wasn’t even on the ballot. At least when you stole the thing from Al, his name was on the ballot down in Florida. Now the fucking AP is putting out a story saying that I’m throwing in the towel. Every body is against me… it’s so unfair. I’m supposed to be president, not Obama, besides, we already had a black president, David Palmer, heck, two of them if you count his brother Wayne. We need a woman president, and I’m the only choice around. Besides, I don’t want to be a VP. You have to do something, get Rove on the line and get the smear machine going. We have to stop this Obama Osama character now before he gets the nomination. You owe me….

I was like, uh Hillary, do you realize that David Palmer was a pretend president on 24, that’s a TV show and David Palmernot a real president. Besides, it was pretty much impossible for you to win two months ago, it’s not my fault that you idiot Democrats have such a screwed up nominating process. Blame the DNC, and that lunatic Howard Dean. Besides, it can’t be so bad that Obama becomes president right? And if Obama and you go on the same ticket, there is always a chance for you to be president, since you’re next in line of succession. Or if you stay in the senate, you’ll still be one of the most powerful senators on the hill, that’s gotta count for something. As for me owing you, I think I already helped you plenty… why would I want to ask Karl to get dirt on Obama? Heck, I screwed up the Iraq war so you have a good platform to make sure that you get to be president, in fact, if you guys don’t win by a landslide, it’ll just show the world how incompetent you are.

So then, Hillary turns nasty on the phone. She says, listen you jackhole, I don’t want to end up like that senile hack Kennedy or a windbag like Kerry, ok? I don’t want to play second fiddle to Obama. I want to be president, so you tell Rove to spin up the smear machine on Obama, and I’ll do my part, I’m going to be president, you get me, so get your ass to work, monkey boy, or else. Then she hangs up.

I think she’s really lost it… but anyway, Bill calls back later on in the day, and tells me that he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to let Hillary get a hold of the phone again, anyway, he is stressed from all this campaigning for her. I asked him why he’s so worked up over all this, he already had his turn. Bill says well, he wants another go, last time he had his day job, so he couldn’t pay attention to all the cute interns in the White House, but this time he’ll have more time on his hands. And he wouldn’t even mind the VP position, after all, Air Force Two is still pretty comfortable. But never mind all that, don’t take Hillary’s threats too seriously, she’s too involved in all this campaigning. And oh by the way, are we still on two weeks from now for the barbeque at Crawford. I told him, yeah, sure, come on over, we’ll grab a couple of cold ones and talk about how lucky he is to have hooked up with Ron Burkle. At least, that last bit cheered him up a little.

Anyway, I feel bad for Bill, after all, he did work pretty hard during his eight years, and he gets more than his share of bad press. So, may be I will give Karl a call and have him dig up some more dirt out on Obama, who knows, may be he had a far left College professor that hated America too, and anyway it might help McCain. But I have to say, even if Karl doesn’t do anything, watching politics is sure as heck a lot more fun than being in it.

Team Clinton


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