The Personal Journal of POTUS

June 25, 2008

Color me a fan…

I got up this morning, saw the news where Obama said that Republicans will play the race card, it took me half a second to get on the phone with Karl. The first words out of my mouth were Karl, you advised Obama to play the race card, didn’t you? Karl’s reaction I can’t comment on that was all the confirmation that I needed.

I told Karl that was a brilliant move, and it actually showed a couple of things about Obama. Forgetting the fact that the Democrats always play the race card first and then complain about the Republicans when they do the same, this just highlight some of Obama’s better qualities. First, by bringing up the race card first, Obama effectively diffused the issue, and the way he played it will guarantee him the non-white votes especially if any of these 527 groups play up the race card and slanders him by implying that he is a muslim. Then Obama can immediately turn around and do a see I told you that’s what they’d do. But this showed me that Obama has his eyes out on the future, and that like me, when he sees a real threat out there, he’ll preempt.

Second, it showed me how shrewd this guy is. Obama is willing to listen to somebody like Karl, his polar opposite in politics and outlook on most issues. The fact that Obama is showing that kind of flexibility means that when he is in the White House, he won’t let his own personal opinions color his judgment, so he’ll listen to anybody who has a good idea. Definitely a mark of a good leader.

Through my exposition, Karl just sat there quietly, and when I finally got done. Karl was like well, so, if Obama does become president, it could be a really good thing for this country, eh? You certainly seem to like him and his ability to act and listen to people who aren’t like him.

I asked if it bothered him that he was advising both McCain and Obama at the same time like this. Karl said, ultimately, what mattered was that America has the best president, it doesn’t really matter which party he is from. Both Obama and McCain are good guys, but only one of them can be president, and it’s better if they get there without too much mudslinging.

I was almost brought to tears when I heard Karl say that. Sure, a lot of people call him Satan, but deep down inside, Karl is just a great guy, it’s too bad most people will never realize that. But, it’s not surprising, people usually shun greatness and don’t give recognition until long after the fact, sometimes never. And that’s the really sad…


June 20, 2008

The Smartest Guy I’ll Never Talk To

Used Car Salesman of the Year

Introducing: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — Used Car Salesman of the Year

Let me start by saying that I think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Jew hating, Gay bashing, Islamofacist nutjob. Now, that I’ve satisfied the base of my party with the usual rhetoric, let’s get to the meat of the matter. Mahmoud is without a doubt one of the smartest guy in the Middle East. I mean he’s got a country that’s just a frigging mess, one the one hand, there is a psycho mullah (Khamenei) who wants to turn Iran into a theocracy, a population of 70 million that are pretty pissed because their economy sucks, and the Revolutionary Guards who just want to go out with blow up everybody. Yet somehow, he is managing not only to hold on to power but getting lot support from China and Russia. Mahmoud, buddy, I may not like you, but you are one smart cookie.

But unfortunately for you, I’m just as smart, and I play dirty. I know you have to rally support by saying things like “Israel will be wiped off the map” and “US is the great Satan” and so forth. Now, we doesn’t really care much what you say or even if you get a nuke. Because we know you’d probably be smart enough to make sure that when you get a nuke, it isn’t used against us. But you got the schizophrenic Israelis around, and they think you are actually serious and might do something dumb like give the nuke to Hezbollah or Hamas or some other nutjob group out there. After all you’ve been going on and on about wiping them off the map, and the Israelis can’t take a joke since they’re surrounded by people who are constantly trying to kill them. So, that means you can start expecting cruise missiles and smart bombs before the end of the year. Since the Isarelis figure they’ll have my tacit approval, and has a small window to get your nuclear sites before I leave office, and not risk the ire of the next administration.

And poor you, you can’t back off, cause that’ll make the home crowd go nuts, and they might put you against the wall. So, you’d have to retaliate, since you can’t hurt Israel militarily, the only option you have left is to use oil as a weapon. You’re gonna get your fat buddy Chavez to cut off oil and you might impede the traffic through the straight of Hormuz to cut off oil flow. You know this will send oil prices through the roof, so you’re trying to delink oil prices from the dollar, but it ain’t gonna work. The Saudis are making too much money from this. Even though I told them no more oil, they can’t help themselves.

So, we’ll go through this charade, and oil goes through the roof. All of this just helps me make sure I can put America on the right track and get us off of our dependence on Middle East oil. Then, you know we won’t need you any more, and you would really have lost. See, I told you, as smart as you are, I’m even smarter.

So, Obama, buddy, as you see, I’m doing you a big favor when I keep us in Iraq. At least this way you can honestly claim that you don’t have the resources to do something truly stupid like invade Iran. I’m also setting you up, so you can reap the rewards when oil goes through the roof, this means you can start putting up the infrastructure that will lead to energy independence for America without those morons from Congress always bitching at you. You ought to be as thankful for me being president as I was thankful for Clinton’s two terms when I came into office.

June 18, 2008

Obama’s Options

I got a call from Karl a couple of days ago. He told me that Obama had called him and talked to him for an hour or so about Hillary and what to do. Karl said that it was a rather strange conversation, but Obama had thought that this kind of move would be just the kind of unexpected play that throws off the Hillary camp.

Basically, Obama told Karl the following. Now that he has won the primary, he has to find away to diffuse the Clinton situation. Apparently, Hillary has been demanding the VP spot behind the scene, but was really arguing more for a co-presidency. Basically meaning, she would get equal say in decisions on the executive side, but not any of the blame when things go wrong. She was also hinting about Bill needing some authority in major economic decisions. Essentially a six legged, three headed monster. Oh, and she also want help in getting back the money she loaned to her campaign. Either that, or she makes trouble at the convention, and secretly funnel dirt to the Republicans for use during the campaign.

Obama was saying that he thought the best way was to play hardball, and force the Clintons to show all their donors and tax records as a way of keeping her from the position. But the problem is this would inevitably lead to a nasty confrontation and backstabbing at the convention and might even cost him the presidency. Besides all of that, Michelle really doesn’t like Hillary and she already has dibs on the co-president position. He didn’t really like all the options that his advisers was presenting, so he thought he’d call Karl and see what contrarian advice he could get on the Hillary problem.

Karl told me that he had advised Obama to give Hillary what she wanted. Basically, preannounce a position for Hillary, for example something like Health Czar, and let her take on all matters health related. Say something like her experience as a senator and as a first lady uniquely qualifies her for this position. Given what Hillary can bring to the campaign and her passion for the national health care system, we want her on board now and to start working on this so that she can hit the ground running when our administration takes over in January. That way, it would look like you’d have already brought her into the big tent on something important. If she accepts, you get her supporters automatically while having had the effect of pushing her off onto something irrelevant. If she opts to stay in the Senate, you would look like a really fair guy who offered her a position, and it’s her fault that she declined. Then if she tries to assassinate you politically, you take the high road, and she commits political suicide. This is a winner because you’d be able to put the nail in coffin for the Clinton’s political aspirations and the cost is a worthless post like Secretary of Health and Human Services.

When you get into the White House, if she succeeds, you can bask in the glory of your brilliant choice. If she screws it up, you can do a Wright defense, and say you were busy dealing with the mess in Iraq and you’re saddened that Hillary’s plan didn’t work. This way, you neutralize the Clintons in one fell swoop.

Obama thanked Karl and said he’d think about it. I tell you, Karl is frigging brilliant. I mean the guy could probably get water from stone if he wanted to. Look at what he’s done for me, and Obama would do well to listen to him. I was a bit surprised by Obama, after all the rhetoric, may be the guy is a bit more than talk, I mean going to Karl is pretty unexpected, but a brilliant move. After all, how many guys would think of going to the oppositions chief strategist for advice. It’s like Churchill going to Rommel during the middle of WWII for advice on how he should fight the war. I have to keep an eye on this Obama guy, and McCain might be in trouble than I thought.

June 11, 2008

Solar, Wind, and Biomass…

Filed under: Politics,Satire — fakepotus @ 12:11 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I admit it’s not as catchy as Earth, Wind, and Fire, but that’s our energy future we’re talking about here, so it doesn’t have to be sexy. At least I’d like to think so. One of my pals in Houston told me that they had this convention for wind power last week, and they were really into bashing the government for not doing enough such as not renewing PTC (Production Tax Credit). I really empathize with these guys, I mean they have no idea how much I want to switch over tomorrow, but there are all these assholes in Congress keep blocking my initiatives that keeps us from getting away from oil dependence.

Heck, I’ve been emphasizing a more diversified energy portfolio since at least 2006, and God knows how long I’ve been talking about greater energy independence. I wanna sign off on the PTC so we can get more credits for renewable energy, but those losers in Congress don’t want to hear the idea without also putting more oil on the table at the same time. I mean what are those geniuses thinking, that we magically switch, and we won’t need oil in between. Dumbasses…. Read the stuff from the DOE, we can get up to 20% of our energy from wind by 2030, so sign up on the PTC, but that’s still just 20%, so we have to make damn sure that we need to keep drilling for oil in the US so that we can make up for some of the shortfall in the interim. You think Iran or Venezuela are gonna help us?

But nobody wants to listen, that’s the problem is really with all these tree hugging nutjobs who can’t walk the walk, they don’t even think about simple things like economics of a smooth transition from oil to alternative energy.

Just to scratch the surface, if we wanted to really switch over, we had to do the following: 1) Upgrade all the electrical infrastructure so that we can route the power.

2) Get all the automakers to switch over to electric cars or hybrids.

3) Switch the oil industry over to activities other than drilling for oil and transporting this stuff.

That’s just a start, all this and make sure that a bunch of people don’t just get put out of work… things like this take time. But the liberals don’t want to hear it, they keep pushing stupid bills like this climate bill from Barbara Boxer, or this windfall oil tax. Hey morons, have you checked out gas prices, lately, you think people care more about your phony emissions credits than they do about how much they pay every month for electricity or every time they go to the gas pumps? When you push through these dumb bills, price of gas ain’t gonna fall, they’re just gonna go up.

But I don’t want to go into the blame game here, I’m in it for the solution, and I know that the solution is energy independence from foreign suppliers. But if the Congress doesn’t want to do the right thing, well, I still have some strings I can pull.

For example, last month, the media reported that I went to the Saudis to beg for more oil, and got rejected, remember? The truth, I laid down the law when I went there and told Saudis, don’t open up the spigot any more, restrict supplies, or else I start bombing Iran. Then the Iranians will mine the strait of Hormuz, and the Saudi people will revolt, which means the ten thousand princes can kiss their kingdom goodbye. The Saudis were on their knees asking me to let them up the supply just a little, I told them a marginal increase so that the folks at home don’t suffer too much. But dammit, we need some tough love to get ourselves moving to alternative energy.

Why doesn’t anyone else see this? Well, at least the PTC will still go through Congress, luckily, so that’ll keep people like T-Boone Pickens can keep moving along on the alternative energy track. $10 billion is a small start, but all big things start in small steps. At least, I would’ve done my part to get us to energy independence by the time I leave office. Painful but necessary.

June 4, 2008

Calls from Team Clinton…

One of the big perks of presidents, and VPs (both current and former) is that we get our own top of the line communications capability. It dates back to Teddy Roosevelt, who thought it would be a good idea to be able to talk to former presidents and bounce ideas off of them. Back then it was telegraphs and telephones, now it’s gotten more sophisticated, we have these personal cell phones that are super encrypted and have all these neat functionalities. They have GPS, iPod, video streaming and all sorts of stuff loaded on them, and they’re just little thicker than a credit card, really cool stuff. These things basically allow the former presidents and VPs to form an old boys network. So, if Bill wants a favor, he calls, and if I need advice, I would call him, or may be dad, or even Dan Quayle… ok, just kidding, nobody calls Dan Quayle.

Anyway, I’m up on the tread mill this morning, and I get a call from Bill this morning, or at least I thought it was Bill until I picked up. Hillary was on the phone, and she was hysterical. I would be surprised that she hijacked Bill’s phone, except this wasn’t the first time.

George, did you see what happened over the weekend? Those fuckers at the DNC gave Obama half the votes from Michigan. I mean what the fuck, he wasn’t even on the ballot. At least when you stole the thing from Al, his name was on the ballot down in Florida. Now the fucking AP is putting out a story saying that I’m throwing in the towel. Every body is against me… it’s so unfair. I’m supposed to be president, not Obama, besides, we already had a black president, David Palmer, heck, two of them if you count his brother Wayne. We need a woman president, and I’m the only choice around. Besides, I don’t want to be a VP. You have to do something, get Rove on the line and get the smear machine going. We have to stop this Obama Osama character now before he gets the nomination. You owe me….

I was like, uh Hillary, do you realize that David Palmer was a pretend president on 24, that’s a TV show and David Palmernot a real president. Besides, it was pretty much impossible for you to win two months ago, it’s not my fault that you idiot Democrats have such a screwed up nominating process. Blame the DNC, and that lunatic Howard Dean. Besides, it can’t be so bad that Obama becomes president right? And if Obama and you go on the same ticket, there is always a chance for you to be president, since you’re next in line of succession. Or if you stay in the senate, you’ll still be one of the most powerful senators on the hill, that’s gotta count for something. As for me owing you, I think I already helped you plenty… why would I want to ask Karl to get dirt on Obama? Heck, I screwed up the Iraq war so you have a good platform to make sure that you get to be president, in fact, if you guys don’t win by a landslide, it’ll just show the world how incompetent you are.

So then, Hillary turns nasty on the phone. She says, listen you jackhole, I don’t want to end up like that senile hack Kennedy or a windbag like Kerry, ok? I don’t want to play second fiddle to Obama. I want to be president, so you tell Rove to spin up the smear machine on Obama, and I’ll do my part, I’m going to be president, you get me, so get your ass to work, monkey boy, or else. Then she hangs up.

I think she’s really lost it… but anyway, Bill calls back later on in the day, and tells me that he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to let Hillary get a hold of the phone again, anyway, he is stressed from all this campaigning for her. I asked him why he’s so worked up over all this, he already had his turn. Bill says well, he wants another go, last time he had his day job, so he couldn’t pay attention to all the cute interns in the White House, but this time he’ll have more time on his hands. And he wouldn’t even mind the VP position, after all, Air Force Two is still pretty comfortable. But never mind all that, don’t take Hillary’s threats too seriously, she’s too involved in all this campaigning. And oh by the way, are we still on two weeks from now for the barbeque at Crawford. I told him, yeah, sure, come on over, we’ll grab a couple of cold ones and talk about how lucky he is to have hooked up with Ron Burkle. At least, that last bit cheered him up a little.

Anyway, I feel bad for Bill, after all, he did work pretty hard during his eight years, and he gets more than his share of bad press. So, may be I will give Karl a call and have him dig up some more dirt out on Obama, who knows, may be he had a far left College professor that hated America too, and anyway it might help McCain. But I have to say, even if Karl doesn’t do anything, watching politics is sure as heck a lot more fun than being in it.

Team Clinton

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