Nancy and I

There is this entertaining poll out on Newsweek about Nancy.  It appears that the media and all the haters want to stir up trouble between me and my esteemed colleague, who is a fine and upstanding woman and a wonderful speaker of the House.  And also incidentally sandwiches between second (Biden) and fourth (Clinton) in the line of succession.  Now, being in that important position, I am constantly talking with Nancy so that she is informed of what’s going on in case her services are ever required.

Now I know that she and I have some genuine points that we disagree on.  Iraq for example, I think we need to make Iraq a success, and under my administration, we will.  Nancy thinks it’s time to cut the losses and move on.  We respectfully disagree, that’s always true of colleagues and allies, but the key here is respect.  Nancy respects my position as the leader of the country, and I respect her as the leader of the House.  So, all of this conservative chatter is just their way of trying to drive a non-existent wedge between us.

The good people of the country know better.  I have a job to do, and I’m going to be saving this country one step at a time.  Take a look at the progress of the last two weeks, a bank rescure plan, a budget, a strategy on Iraq, and that’s just for starters.  Wait till you see what I pull out of the hat next.  I’ve been doing something that has been sorely  lacking in the country for a while, something we call leadership.  Trust me, friends, you are all in good hands with me.

The Face of the Opposition

A lot of people have said a lot of things about what I’ve done in the last two weeks.  But none has made more impression than the one I call the head of the Republican party, essentially, its heart and soul.  Rush Limbaugh is a formidable foe, his reach is broad.  Millions of listeners tune into him daily.  He was the rockstar at this weekend’s conservative convention, and everyone from New York Times to the CNN has all but crowned Rush as the face of the Republican party.

With millions and millions of conservatives rallying to his voice, he is the face of the Republican party.  To which I echo proudly in the voice of my predecessor, BRING IT ON.  Between David, the Spanker (Rahm) and myself, we had a sit down on political strategy the last couple of weeks, and this weekend just topped everything.  We love the idea that everyone is elevating Rush as the head of the Republicans, the new RNC chairman Michael Steele has got nothing on Rush.   In his own words, Rush hopes that “I fail.”

I don’t know how everyone would interpret that other than that they hope America fails.  I’m the leader of the country, if I fail, I will drag the country down, and the economy won’t recover.  So, by saying that he hopes I fail, Rush is effectively saying that he hope America fails.  How terrible.  Talk about trying to make political hay out of the misery of the country.

Sure, I have poor Gibbs out there looking harried and combative, but it’s part of the master plan of misdirection, confusion, and chaos that I’m sowing into the minds of the enemy.  I know what I want, I want to lead the country into success for the next eight years, and I will do it.  To do that, I’m going to choose my opposition, and confuse them while I pull of the save of the century.

So, Rush, my friend, I heart you, and look forward to the loyal opposition from you in the next three and a half years.

Thank you for the advice…

Now, I invite you to shut the hell up.  Yes, Bill Clinton I’m talking about you.  Your little interview this week was just so low class.  You’re like that son of a bitch Jimmy Carter, who just keeps piping up when all he needs to do is shut up and sit down.  I mean I am so disappointed in you.  You don’t see either of the Bushes going out in public and telling me how to lead.  Now, granted, they aren’t very charismatic, but that’s not the point.  They aren’t out there telling people that I’m not giving people enough confidence.  So, from the bottom of my heart.  I thank you for your wonderful advice.  And I invite you to shut the hell up.  Either that, or Hillary will be coming back from China on United Airlines instead of the comfortable US government aircraft that she went out on.

Her performance so far has been up to snuff, but I swear if she screws up either the North Korean deal or the situation in China, I’m going to fire her  faster than you can say cat in a hat.  If you keep blabbing, I’ll tell the secret service to give Hillary regular reports on your activities, if you know what I mean.

Oh, this reminds me, since you offered last time to help with Palestinian/Israeli conflict, do you still want to go?  You can go and melt Benny Netanyahu’s cold and icy right wing heart.  In fact, I’ll fire George Mitchell right now, and send you over there… what, don’t want the job?  I didn’t think so.  Now, please excuse me, while I exercise something that is no longer part of your job description, LEADERSHIP.  By the way, I’m the man of hope, and all you are is just some ex-president, now shut up, and just run your stupid Clinton initiative.

First Victory

Ah, the first job is done, the stimulus has passed.  Well, ok, to be sure the passage of the stimulus in Congress was a foregone conclusion, and unfortunately, it didn’t do enough of what I wanted thanks to those idiot Republicans and a few turncoat Democrats.  But that’s ok, I have the first thing I wanted in order to get the economy back on its feet.

Now, for those people who thinks it’s just a new president flexing his muscle, I say you guys just don’t understand this simple concept called leadership.  People need hope, people need someone to tell them things are alright, and that there is someone on the job, taking care of things.  I’m that someone.  That’s why I was elected the president.

So, here is the first in what will be a string of stunning victory for me.  I know this because in spite of all the incompetent helpers, bumbling allies, and stubborn opposition, I will get this country going in the right direction.  I will do what is necessary to make America great again.  And that, my foolish Republican opponents is why I am the leader of this country.  So, the stimulus has passed, it’s not perfect, and I’m sure I’ll have to do some more work on it, but I know it will get done.

So, tomorrow, on my day, I will sign the stimulus.  Now, onto fixing the housing problem, and the banking crisis.

Thank you Senator Judd

I want to personally thank Senator Judd for his public backstabbing of me today.  I mean I couldn’t have ask for anything more meaningful from the Republicans, this is so easy, it’s like taking candy for a bunch of retarded babies.

Now, people might wonder why I’m not up in arms about all this.  Well, it’s simple, I am demonstrating leadership.  Showing that I’m willing to reach out to my political opponents and giving them the chance to be a part of my administration.  Now, if they are stupid enough to take this golden opportunity to stab me in the back in full view of the American public.  Then I’m gracious enough to say, guys, there will be other chances for you to sign up, but the people will remember this, how you were all a bunch of petty politicians that instead of trying to work on the problem, you take opportunities to try to screw over a new president that’s trying to help the American people in their time of need.

Now, lest everyone think I’m just a naive fool walking through life with blinders on, just take a look at the image above.  While old Judd is talking, my eyes are sharply focused, it’s sending a message, it said, Judd, I’m giving you the opportunity to help me save the nation, don’t screw it up.  Obviously, Judd decided he couldn’t handle the job, but instead of talking to me about it like a honest man, he couldn’t resist trying to screw me while I was talking to concerned citizens.  Lincoln would be ashamed.

Republicans, from the wisdom of Bush, you are either with me, or you’re against me.  But if you guys want to become a permanent minority party, you keep doing what you’re doing, and come 2010, I’ll have a supermajority in Congress, and then all your partisan sniping are going to be just crap that’s fit for the tabloids.

So, as I started, Thank you, Judd Gregg, for deciding to be a dumbass and playing politics and trying to hurt me while I’m trying to help the country.

Who won the last election?

So, you know I was looking at this past week as I’m cogitating this wonderful superbowl, and I had to ask Michelle exactly who won the last election.  I mean, we have control of the Congress right?  I am in the White House right?  So, what the heck is going on with this opposition from the Republicans?  I made nice with them too just a few days ago, I mean I sat in there nicely and listened to them.  Was very attentive, and I even made sure my party didn’t put in that $200 million for whatever it was that the Republicans were against.

This is just so dumb.  Not that it matters because the House still passed my bill.  Ok, now the senate better do the job.  I just have to turn one or two of the Elephants in the Senate, and the job will be done.  But for now, I’ll stay humble, and see if I can play one or two of those, may be a McCain or a Snow, or one of the other moderates.    Then I’ll have this thing done, and I can move onto my next deal.  Stupid Republicans, didn’t anyone tell them they lost the election?  Do they want to go from the minority party to the non-existent party? 

Now for those of you who are wondering why I did this.  It’s obvious isn’t it?  If there is a screw up, it’s Joe’s fault, just like if the Middle East falls apart, well, I have this superstar Hillary Clinton running it right?  So I can fire her ass if that happens, I gave her the ball and let her run with it, so succeed or else.  So, if either or both of them succeeds, See, it’s just like how Bush wanted to run his administration, like a CEO, except I don’t pretend to be like a CEO, I pretend like I’m the every man, but trust me, I’m not, I’m the best damn leader there is, I’m just humble about it.

Team of Rivals

It’s a great book, it really is.  I read it and I got a lot out of it, people should definitely study this excellent piece carefully and see the brilliance behind the man.  And Ab Lincoln was a great president, yes, he is the original Republican, but he was one smart guy and my hero.  He pulled in all of the opponents in the country, and he managed the country during the bloodiest war in our history.  He did it by using the old maxim, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  He succeeded brilliantly, and that’s the real point behind this fantastic book.

It’s a model I intend to emulate the best I can, and so far so good.  By pulling these two wonderful people, my bumbling idiot opponents to be my #2 and #4 respectively are at it.  It’s like giving morons ropes to hang themselves with, and they do it.  Dumbass Joe Biden who can’t shut his mouth even when his foot is stuck so far up it that it’s coming out of his ass.  And the bitch Hillary and her “smart power,” she sets up something so incredibly dumb and she think she’ll run the place.  Well, go ahead and try, honey, when you screw things up, I’ll toss your ass out on the street, and then I’ll never have to hear from you or Bill again.

So, what does this all mean?  It mean I’m not as dumb as people think when I pick up Bill’s old colleagues.  Yeah, they got to Richardson, but I have my own people, and they’re more energetic, younger, savvier, and most importantly, smarter.  Joe, don’t expect Obama/Biden signs in ‘12, and Hillary, get your resume updated, I expect three years at best if you keep going like this.  Hope you like retirement, because you’re not coming out of it this time.

Activities of the Last Day

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

Just how smart is George Bush?

I swear that one of the smartest thing I did was to tell Barack that I’ll cooperate fully on domestic policies, especially in the economy.  I put it in simple terms to him right before New Years: “you tell me what you want to do, and I’ll do it, not just within reason, I’ll simply do it period, no comments, no extra conditions, you’re the new guy, you’re gonna have a touch job, I’m here to help.”  And what am I but a man of my word.  Last week, I made the request.  Just like Barack asked, and this week, just like the pal I am.

And what am I doing today?  Laughing my ass off over the inevitable confrontation that I knew would result.  What do I call this?  Delicious.  I meant what I said earlier about the fact that just because I’m on my way out, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.  Honestly though, it was more about trying to make sure Barack saw the reality of the situation.  Back when he was campaigning, he kept talking about the presidency with too much power.  Now that he is in charge, I know just how much he appreciate the power that Dick and I have gathered in the executive branch.  The power that Barack is now going to wield and be effective in making the American people strong and vibrant.

But I had to show him something first, and that was that his pals in Congress aren’t his pals any more.  They’re a bunch of lunatic wild dogs ready to throw him and granny under the bus for their political gain the first chance they get.  The good Lord knows I’ve had that experience with those jerks in my own party.  I had told Barack in my first meeting with him that he has to stand for his own principles, even if everyone else hates him for it and is trying to stab him in the back.  It happened to me, look at the Republican controlled Congress in 2004 to 2006, I handed those assholes control on a platter, and instead of doing good for the people, they fucked things over.  I warned Barack that this might happen, so I orchestrated this little showdown between him and pa Reid and ma Pelosi.  Sure enough, Barack saw through the bullshit that Congress tried to dish out to him.  And he slapped them around immediately with the veto, and he isn’t even the president yet.  I know this much, as I leave this office, I leave it in very capable hands.  Barack, it’s now all you, buddy, make us proud.

Punting the Ball to Team Obama

I got a nasty call on yesterday from my successor.  Apparently, he had enough time on his way to vacation, to give me a piece of his mind.  And he let me have it, this was the conversation…

BO: George, what the hell happened, did the shoes from that raghead newsie really hit you and they just edited it out on TV?

GWB: What are you going on about, Barack?  Shouldn’t you be having fun in Hawaii.

BO: Don’t give me that crap.  You gave in to the frigging auto industry, after all the tough talk.  I mean you didn’t even try to use what the Senate Republicans were giving you.  You just gave them a handout, whatever happened to the free market?

GWB: I thought you needed cover for when you came in on January.  After all, how would it look if you came in, and Chrysler and/or GM went kaput.  You’d have a crisis on your hand.

BO: What the hell are you talking about?  You’re screwing me.  Because you gave the bridge loan to these assholes, now in March, Gettelfinger and his bitches in Congress are going to essentially force me to give them more money without forcing them to restructure.  I’ll be stuck giving the finger to those bastards and looking like the bad guy.

GWB: Well, that might be true, but I did set certain goals for them to reach, and if they don’t reach it, you can always do nothing in March.

BO: You just threw me under the bus on this one, George… what am I suppose to do when Pelosi and Reid tells me to dump another $50 Billion into the big Three.  They’ll say that the car czar or whatever can run the companies.  Have you any idea what that would mean?  Do you think money grow on tress or something?

GWB: Well, you don’t want the American carmakers to go under, do you?

BO: Who cares, people can always buy BMW, Toyotas, and all of those.

GWB: We’re talking about jobs here.  Millions of jobs, at least that’s what your party keeps talking about.

BO: My party is as dumb as your party.  These guys need to get off their asses and innovate anyway, they don’t need to keep working in the crap industry that the Chinese are going to take over inside of two decades anyhow.

GWB:  Well, come January, you can call the shots.

BO: Oh that’s just wonderful.  I get all this shit dumped on my desk on day one.

GWB: Listen, it won’t be that bad, you have Joe Biden, he can be the auto czar.

BO: Are you out of your mind, Mr. Never had a good hair day in his life doesn’t even know the difference between a diesel engine and a normal 4 cylinder.  If he becomes the car czar, I may as well personally hand out pink slips.

GWB: Yeah well, the hour is getting late.  I need to be going  You have a good time in Hawaii.

I tell you, I’m glad it’s over.  Now that the end is in sight, I can just sit back and relax, the economy is now patched up enough so the dam won’t burst on my watch.  All I have to do is set things right with the rest of the world, and I’ll be done.  May be I’ll bomb Iran before I leave, save Barack the trouble.