AIG

As I sit here preparing to dazzle the audience on the Tonight Show, I am reminded of the pain that the citizens of Americans are multitudes.  When companies like AIG excessively rewards failure at the expense of the tax payers, I am hurt.

Now, I am thankful that others have recognized their roles in giving companies like AIG such giant loop holes. But as I said, my administration take full responsibility for what happened, yes, we had a lot to do, but that’s no excuse.  We will fix this.  My good friend Charlie Rangel are doing the right thing by pushing to tax these excesses.   These people should not be reaping the rewards of their failure.

Having said this, as a nation, we truly need to carefully look at how people are compensated.  Consider for example the scientists who discover drugs, do they deserve their excess profits, let’s look at a place like Genentech for example, their recent takeover by Roche has made a lot of their key scientists rich.  Given their exploitation of the riches provided by nature, does it make sense for them to continue to pile up more money in the name of developing more expensive drugs?  In this case I would say these scientists who have become rich should for the social good to develop more drugs but without compensation more than your typical… say, social worker.  Or perhaps, we should consider taxing these same scientists at the 90% level that we will be going after the AIG crew with, after all, how are they any different than those greedy traders other than the fact that they’re successful, and let’s not forget, they’re only successful part of the time, they fail at developing compounds far more often than they succeed.

Now, I’ve digressed on the drug issue as an example.  But we need to have regulatory changes that aims to curb the excess on Wall Street so far, but in the long run, we need to push fairness across the board, not just the financial sectors.  Think about it, why does any CEO (like those on the big three) deserve any compensation at all when they fail their companies so miserably.

But fear not, this crisis has given us the opportunity to make the changes we need, and we will level the playing field for everyone involved.

Tryouts

This week, two wonderful American companies came the Washington to beg for more money.  Now, privately, the Spanker has been fielding calls from the two Chief Morons of the company as well as Ronnie from the UAW.  The call is all the same, Ronnie was saying that he delivered Michigan to us during the election, now it’s time to pay up.  I’m hearing the same thing from some of the guys in Congress like Carl Levin.

Now, I’m all sympathetic to saving jobs, and trying to salvage the auto industry.  But guys, come on, why don’t you actually hire some real marketing people, the plan you morons presented sucks.  My daughters could probably come up with a better plan that save money.  Let’s take GM’s plan for instance, they are off loading brands, and they feel if the American consumer can start buying record level of new cars by 2014 or something, they’ll have the loans paid back in full.  Now, this is the money we already loaned them and the additional money we’ll loan this time.  They just assume the market will turn around, but oh by the way, if it doesn’t, we’ll owe you even more money.

Then there is Chrysler’s plan, which is even more of a joke.  Guys, that’s not even a plan, that’s a frigging dream or something.  Give me a break, did you think I was just born yesterday?  You might be able to sell this load of crap to the morons in Congress, but I’m sorry, I am just not that stupid.

So, here is what we’re going to do.  You guys are each going to pick a team of five, and then we’re gonna have try outs.  I don’t have enough money for both your companies, so one of you will have to go.  The tryouts are a combination of strength, skills, smarts, stamina, savvy, and other attributes.  You know all the things that got me into the White House four years after I became a junior senator from Illinois.  Anyway, the winner, and yes, this will be judged by my panel of experts and myself.  The winner gets the money and gets to remain part of the American success story, or at least, survival story, and the loser becomes like the dinosaur.

Oh, and Ronnie, I do owe you something, so, I’m going to help ensure one of these two survive, and you still have Ford, so a majority of the UAW power will still be intact, okay?  But, I’m not going to keep throwing tons of money to you guys just because these two companies can’t compete with Toyota, Honda, BMW, VW, and Hyundai.  So, you need to do your part, and help the survivors get more competitive.

First Victory

Ah, the first job is done, the stimulus has passed.  Well, ok, to be sure the passage of the stimulus in Congress was a foregone conclusion, and unfortunately, it didn’t do enough of what I wanted thanks to those idiot Republicans and a few turncoat Democrats.  But that’s ok, I have the first thing I wanted in order to get the economy back on its feet.

Now, for those people who thinks it’s just a new president flexing his muscle, I say you guys just don’t understand this simple concept called leadership.  People need hope, people need someone to tell them things are alright, and that there is someone on the job, taking care of things.  I’m that someone.  That’s why I was elected the president.

So, here is the first in what will be a string of stunning victory for me.  I know this because in spite of all the incompetent helpers, bumbling allies, and stubborn opposition, I will get this country going in the right direction.  I will do what is necessary to make America great again.  And that, my foolish Republican opponents is why I am the leader of this country.  So, the stimulus has passed, it’s not perfect, and I’m sure I’ll have to do some more work on it, but I know it will get done.

So, tomorrow, on my day, I will sign the stimulus.  Now, onto fixing the housing problem, and the banking crisis.

The Spanker

You know, when a new administration comes in the Secret Service has a field day providing new code names to everyone.  I mean take Hillary for example, she is called 4th in line, and Joe is Big Mouth, I suggested for myself a name of upset kid, but the Secret Service guys declined it, since they said its their job to provide code names.  I asked and made them give me one exception though.  I got them to give Rahm Emmanuel the code name, The Spanker.

Now you people might wonder what kind of a code name that is.  Well, baby face (AKA Tim Geitner) found out today.  After that pathetic performance he gave today with his plan.  I felt it was only fair.  I was so disappointed with Geitner, he asked me for a clear field on Friday so that he could have the undivided attention of the country to unveil a plan that was better than what Hank Paulson provided.  Boy, did he disappoint.  After his rambling press conference, he managed to tank the stock market.

I didn’t believe it when Bush told me to becareful about the economy and to make the major announcements myself.  Since he said only the chief executive could restore confidence, don’t trust the underlings like he did with Paulson.  I didn’t listen, and did I pay for it today.  Could baby face have come up with a more vague plan… I’m talking transparency and he couldn’t even provide simple details on what he has in mind.  It’s so bad, not only did he tank the Dow, he is taking down Asia too.

So that’s where Rahm came in, after the day got done, I pulled The Spanker and Babyface into the same room, and I told Tim that he earned every bit of what he is getting.  Then I had him strip down, and told Rahm to get to work with the paddles.  After about the twentith stroke, baby face was in tears swearing he’ll do better.  I told him he’d better given all the trouble I got put through with his tax evading ass, or next time, he is not gonna be able to sit for a week.  So, if you guys see Tim walking a little funny tomorrow, that’s a reminder to all of you.  I’m giving all of you bozos the room the run with the ball, but if you screw up, The Spanker will be waiting.