Nancy and I

There is this entertaining poll out on Newsweek about Nancy.  It appears that the media and all the haters want to stir up trouble between me and my esteemed colleague, who is a fine and upstanding woman and a wonderful speaker of the House.  And also incidentally sandwiches between second (Biden) and fourth (Clinton) in the line of succession.  Now, being in that important position, I am constantly talking with Nancy so that she is informed of what’s going on in case her services are ever required.

Now I know that she and I have some genuine points that we disagree on.  Iraq for example, I think we need to make Iraq a success, and under my administration, we will.  Nancy thinks it’s time to cut the losses and move on.  We respectfully disagree, that’s always true of colleagues and allies, but the key here is respect.  Nancy respects my position as the leader of the country, and I respect her as the leader of the House.  So, all of this conservative chatter is just their way of trying to drive a non-existent wedge between us.

The good people of the country know better.  I have a job to do, and I’m going to be saving this country one step at a time.  Take a look at the progress of the last two weeks, a bank rescure plan, a budget, a strategy on Iraq, and that’s just for starters.  Wait till you see what I pull out of the hat next.  I’ve been doing something that has been sorely  lacking in the country for a while, something we call leadership.  Trust me, friends, you are all in good hands with me.

Thank you for the advice…

Now, I invite you to shut the hell up.  Yes, Bill Clinton I’m talking about you.  Your little interview this week was just so low class.  You’re like that son of a bitch Jimmy Carter, who just keeps piping up when all he needs to do is shut up and sit down.  I mean I am so disappointed in you.  You don’t see either of the Bushes going out in public and telling me how to lead.  Now, granted, they aren’t very charismatic, but that’s not the point.  They aren’t out there telling people that I’m not giving people enough confidence.  So, from the bottom of my heart.  I thank you for your wonderful advice.  And I invite you to shut the hell up.  Either that, or Hillary will be coming back from China on United Airlines instead of the comfortable US government aircraft that she went out on.

Her performance so far has been up to snuff, but I swear if she screws up either the North Korean deal or the situation in China, I’m going to fire her  faster than you can say cat in a hat.  If you keep blabbing, I’ll tell the secret service to give Hillary regular reports on your activities, if you know what I mean.

Oh, this reminds me, since you offered last time to help with Palestinian/Israeli conflict, do you still want to go?  You can go and melt Benny Netanyahu’s cold and icy right wing heart.  In fact, I’ll fire George Mitchell right now, and send you over there… what, don’t want the job?  I didn’t think so.  Now, please excuse me, while I exercise something that is no longer part of your job description, LEADERSHIP.  By the way, I’m the man of hope, and all you are is just some ex-president, now shut up, and just run your stupid Clinton initiative.

Team of Rivals

It’s a great book, it really is.  I read it and I got a lot out of it, people should definitely study this excellent piece carefully and see the brilliance behind the man.  And Ab Lincoln was a great president, yes, he is the original Republican, but he was one smart guy and my hero.  He pulled in all of the opponents in the country, and he managed the country during the bloodiest war in our history.  He did it by using the old maxim, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  He succeeded brilliantly, and that’s the real point behind this fantastic book.

It’s a model I intend to emulate the best I can, and so far so good.  By pulling these two wonderful people, my bumbling idiot opponents to be my #2 and #4 respectively are at it.  It’s like giving morons ropes to hang themselves with, and they do it.  Dumbass Joe Biden who can’t shut his mouth even when his foot is stuck so far up it that it’s coming out of his ass.  And the bitch Hillary and her “smart power,” she sets up something so incredibly dumb and she think she’ll run the place.  Well, go ahead and try, honey, when you screw things up, I’ll toss your ass out on the street, and then I’ll never have to hear from you or Bill again.

So, what does this all mean?  It mean I’m not as dumb as people think when I pick up Bill’s old colleagues.  Yeah, they got to Richardson, but I have my own people, and they’re more energetic, younger, savvier, and most importantly, smarter.  Joe, don’t expect Obama/Biden signs in ‘12, and Hillary, get your resume updated, I expect three years at best if you keep going like this.  Hope you like retirement, because you’re not coming out of it this time.

Activities of the Last Day

Today is my last full day as a president, and realistically, it’s been hectic.  First, I had to talk with the secret service guys yet again.  Basically, they’ve been having a hard time figuring out who gets to be on my protective detail.  None of the guys really wanted the job because they hate it when I go jogging or bike riding, it drives them nuts because they’d have to go along with me.  What a pain in the ass… for them.

Then there was the Pelosi threat.  This happened on Sunday, and needless to say members of the administration was up in a tizzy, a bunch of them came in today asking about pardons and stuff.  Speaking of which, I gave a commutation for two guys that really deserved it, I know I should’ve done it sooner, these guys were doing their jobs, just another instance when I dropped the ball.  This sucks.

Barack actually called yesterday and told me not to worry about the threat of prosecution, it will never happen, because it distracts from the real issues of the country, and hell, after all that, they’ll lose the presidency and Congress.  Actually, I personally didn’t mind, because these guys were acting under executive order, so if they want to prosecute someone, they can prosecute me, and even though I have shit for approval ratings, at the end of the day, I’ve managed to keep the country safe.  

Barack knows this, he told me that he will make sure it won’t go that far since it’ll just tear apart the country for no good reason.  He is also saying he wished I wasn’t so open about the detainees, he has to now openly shut down Gitmo, he really wished he had the deniability.  I told Barack that was my mistake, trying to be open.  So, I told him to learn from my mistake.

Barack told me he understood, he laughed that he is using Old Spice just like me… at least Chavez thought so.  I had a good laugh, but I told him that the world is with him, just look at Israel, they are all going to fall in line with Barack by withdrawing from Gaza.  Heck, all these people on TV are proud of America for the first time because of you, so I told Barack that right now he is the magic man, so better get things done as soon as he can before Pelosi screws it up for him.  Barack told me that he’s on it like white on rice.

I wish him luck, as for me, it’s back to Crawford, and then onto Dallas.  That’ll be  all for me.  Now, I just gotta write my letter to him, think I’ll keep it short and funny.  Gosh, by Wednesday, I have to think about make coffee for Laura in the morning.  But it’s a small price to pay, bless her, she organized the move out like a champ, just have to pick up my toothbrush and go.  

So in the end, my last words are… so long suckers, I’ve outlasted you sniveling whiners, and now I’m off to retirement, and Nancy dear, if you want to prosecute me, bring it own, you old windbag.

Just how smart is George Bush?

I swear that one of the smartest thing I did was to tell Barack that I’ll cooperate fully on domestic policies, especially in the economy.  I put it in simple terms to him right before New Years: “you tell me what you want to do, and I’ll do it, not just within reason, I’ll simply do it period, no comments, no extra conditions, you’re the new guy, you’re gonna have a touch job, I’m here to help.”  And what am I but a man of my word.  Last week, I made the request.  Just like Barack asked, and this week, just like the pal I am.

And what am I doing today?  Laughing my ass off over the inevitable confrontation that I knew would result.  What do I call this?  Delicious.  I meant what I said earlier about the fact that just because I’m on my way out, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.  Honestly though, it was more about trying to make sure Barack saw the reality of the situation.  Back when he was campaigning, he kept talking about the presidency with too much power.  Now that he is in charge, I know just how much he appreciate the power that Dick and I have gathered in the executive branch.  The power that Barack is now going to wield and be effective in making the American people strong and vibrant.

But I had to show him something first, and that was that his pals in Congress aren’t his pals any more.  They’re a bunch of lunatic wild dogs ready to throw him and granny under the bus for their political gain the first chance they get.  The good Lord knows I’ve had that experience with those jerks in my own party.  I had told Barack in my first meeting with him that he has to stand for his own principles, even if everyone else hates him for it and is trying to stab him in the back.  It happened to me, look at the Republican controlled Congress in 2004 to 2006, I handed those assholes control on a platter, and instead of doing good for the people, they fucked things over.  I warned Barack that this might happen, so I orchestrated this little showdown between him and pa Reid and ma Pelosi.  Sure enough, Barack saw through the bullshit that Congress tried to dish out to him.  And he slapped them around immediately with the veto, and he isn’t even the president yet.  I know this much, as I leave this office, I leave it in very capable hands.  Barack, it’s now all you, buddy, make us proud.

Corruption??? What Corruption?

By now, no doubt everyone has heard about the wonderful governor of Illinois: Rod Blagojevich (can you have a more difficult to pronounce last name?)  Anyway, the current news is that he doesn’t want to go quietly.   Of course, the fact that much of the controversy is surrounding the senate seat vacated by Barack is another quiet storm that’s brewing.  So far Barack has done well to deflect the situation.  But I am proud to say this is one of these preemptive strikes that makes me feel good about the presidency.

I had heard about this investigation from Mukasey way back before the election, and I told him to keep it under wraps since I didn’t want it to taint the process.  Then when this senate seat came up, the US attorney in charge wanted to wait until he could bag the whole lot of them.  He said it would’ve been spectacular, and would have gotten certain members of Congress and a whole lot of people in the Illinois political machine.

I won’t name names of course, but let’s just say more than a few “leading” politicians in Illinois would’ve been wearing prison orange – including a certain representative in the House.  The deal was on the verge of getting made when I had the attorney in charge force the situation. Get the Governor before the deal is done I told him, otherwise start polishing your resume.  Now he was really unhappy about this.  After all, he could’ve had dozens of heads mounted on his wall, and now all he gets is Rod.  But I told him, he would be a hero for doing it.  It took a lot of persuasion, but eventually he charged Rod before any deal would get done.

Now, I know what I did doesn’t seem right, after all, I could’ve bagged a whole bunch of corrupt Illinois politicians and smeared a bunch of asshole I really didn’t like.   But I just couldn’t do it to Barack.  I mean, he is going to be our shining beacon of hope, I couldn’t have done something like this that’ll hopelessly taint him in the first months of his presidency.  There were talks going on, and even though his staffers supposedly didn’t directly involve themselves, there were too many things that would look bad in public.  So I did the right thing and shielded Barack. He has important things to do for the American people, and little things like this shouldn’t stand in his way.

Hopefully, it’ll be a lesson to the rest of those corrupt bastards, and give Barack a better chance of keeping those bozos in line.   You know, I almost feel like Batman at the end of Dark Knight, where he is the real hero but takes a bum rap.  But that’s just me.  Protecting America the best I can.

Fresh From Business School….

I give you business plans from the Three Stooges (AKA big 3 auto makers). Hmmm, let’s see what they are offering. Oh, CEO taking $1 salary, hmmm, how much were these guys making the last couple of years? Let’s see Alan from Ford picked up about $40 to $50 million in three years, and how much in options again? Then, there is the idea that all the salaried employees are no longer getting merit raises or bonuses for the year, there goes the concept of meritocracy. Workers of the World… UNITE. Finally, like everyone else, they’re jumping on the electric car bandwagon. All this gets at least Ford to profitability by 2011. Hey genius, I thought the electric car technology wasn’t proven yet, let alone profitable, so, you’re going to get into more debt? If you bozos are going to sell the car for a loss, how are you going to get to profitability. Or are you just going for another handout in a few years?

Of course, this bogus plan is probably good enough for the Congressional morons to get rolling on the bailout. Ma Pelosi was already harping about how the big three must not fail, this is really silly, I can’t believe that they came up with this only and didn’t bother to put up union concession on the tables and are talking about it only now. Paying workers who aren’t working is just plain stupid. I wonder if they also thought about streamlining the idiotic dealership system. Of course, none of the tough measures that are needed were in the plan. But hey, these guys are coming from Detroit in Hybrids and SUVs, so that’ll make things so much better than corporate jets. These days, it’s the imagery that counts.

Frigging idiots, all three of these guys should step aside if they are presenting this type of business plans. But at least we got them to take symbolic $1 annual salaries, oh, but no mention of the stock options while the stock is at rock bottom pricing. This plan is the kind of cute stuff you’d get from a first year MBA student, full of holes, and no realism. How did these guys ever become CEOs? This is so moronic that only Congress will buy into it.