Tryouts

This week, two wonderful American companies came the Washington to beg for more money.  Now, privately, the Spanker has been fielding calls from the two Chief Morons of the company as well as Ronnie from the UAW.  The call is all the same, Ronnie was saying that he delivered Michigan to us during the election, now it’s time to pay up.  I’m hearing the same thing from some of the guys in Congress like Carl Levin.

Now, I’m all sympathetic to saving jobs, and trying to salvage the auto industry.  But guys, come on, why don’t you actually hire some real marketing people, the plan you morons presented sucks.  My daughters could probably come up with a better plan that save money.  Let’s take GM’s plan for instance, they are off loading brands, and they feel if the American consumer can start buying record level of new cars by 2014 or something, they’ll have the loans paid back in full.  Now, this is the money we already loaned them and the additional money we’ll loan this time.  They just assume the market will turn around, but oh by the way, if it doesn’t, we’ll owe you even more money.

Then there is Chrysler’s plan, which is even more of a joke.  Guys, that’s not even a plan, that’s a frigging dream or something.  Give me a break, did you think I was just born yesterday?  You might be able to sell this load of crap to the morons in Congress, but I’m sorry, I am just not that stupid.

So, here is what we’re going to do.  You guys are each going to pick a team of five, and then we’re gonna have try outs.  I don’t have enough money for both your companies, so one of you will have to go.  The tryouts are a combination of strength, skills, smarts, stamina, savvy, and other attributes.  You know all the things that got me into the White House four years after I became a junior senator from Illinois.  Anyway, the winner, and yes, this will be judged by my panel of experts and myself.  The winner gets the money and gets to remain part of the American success story, or at least, survival story, and the loser becomes like the dinosaur.

Oh, and Ronnie, I do owe you something, so, I’m going to help ensure one of these two survive, and you still have Ford, so a majority of the UAW power will still be intact, okay?  But, I’m not going to keep throwing tons of money to you guys just because these two companies can’t compete with Toyota, Honda, BMW, VW, and Hyundai.  So, you need to do your part, and help the survivors get more competitive.

A Courtesy Call

On Friday, I called up my predecessor.  It’s been a month since I took over from him, and I thought I should see how he is doing.  I had heard from one of my colleagues that he called Bill Clinton about a month after he left office, and I thought it would be nice to extend that courtesy.

I caught him apparently out on a bike ride, so I chatted up with him for a bit.  I asked him how he was settling in and what he is doing.  He told me that he was doing fine for the most part, still adjusting to the fact that he doesn’t have to get up in the morning to listen to the briefing from the company, and having to get Laura coffee.  He told me that he kind of missed the White House chefs since they were so damned good, but otherwise, he is getting used to being an ordinary guy.  As far as Secret Service allows him to be.

I reminded him that if he thinks he needs protection down the road, I’m happy to get an executive order in place.  George just laughed it off, and told me that he could take care of himself.  He told me that the last trip in Iraq, a second journalist threw a shoe at him, this time off camera, and so knowing he had a freer hand, he caught the shoe and threw it back into the guy’s face.  And then he told the security to let the guy up, and then told the guy to take a free shot at him.  Apparently, he had ordered Secret service to stand down, and do nothing, so this guy tried a quick punch to the face, and George apparently caught his fist, and then twisted his arm until the guy started crying uncle.

Anyway, not sure if I believe that one, but I told him my offer remains open, and if he wants to come up to the White House for a visit, just let Rahm know, and he is welcome any time.  It’s nice not having to worry about your immediate predecessor make comments about all your decisions at every opportunity, unlike some other president who shall remain unnamed.

Thank you for the advice…

Now, I invite you to shut the hell up.  Yes, Bill Clinton I’m talking about you.  Your little interview this week was just so low class.  You’re like that son of a bitch Jimmy Carter, who just keeps piping up when all he needs to do is shut up and sit down.  I mean I am so disappointed in you.  You don’t see either of the Bushes going out in public and telling me how to lead.  Now, granted, they aren’t very charismatic, but that’s not the point.  They aren’t out there telling people that I’m not giving people enough confidence.  So, from the bottom of my heart.  I thank you for your wonderful advice.  And I invite you to shut the hell up.  Either that, or Hillary will be coming back from China on United Airlines instead of the comfortable US government aircraft that she went out on.

Her performance so far has been up to snuff, but I swear if she screws up either the North Korean deal or the situation in China, I’m going to fire her  faster than you can say cat in a hat.  If you keep blabbing, I’ll tell the secret service to give Hillary regular reports on your activities, if you know what I mean.

Oh, this reminds me, since you offered last time to help with Palestinian/Israeli conflict, do you still want to go?  You can go and melt Benny Netanyahu’s cold and icy right wing heart.  In fact, I’ll fire George Mitchell right now, and send you over there… what, don’t want the job?  I didn’t think so.  Now, please excuse me, while I exercise something that is no longer part of your job description, LEADERSHIP.  By the way, I’m the man of hope, and all you are is just some ex-president, now shut up, and just run your stupid Clinton initiative.

First Victory

Ah, the first job is done, the stimulus has passed.  Well, ok, to be sure the passage of the stimulus in Congress was a foregone conclusion, and unfortunately, it didn’t do enough of what I wanted thanks to those idiot Republicans and a few turncoat Democrats.  But that’s ok, I have the first thing I wanted in order to get the economy back on its feet.

Now, for those people who thinks it’s just a new president flexing his muscle, I say you guys just don’t understand this simple concept called leadership.  People need hope, people need someone to tell them things are alright, and that there is someone on the job, taking care of things.  I’m that someone.  That’s why I was elected the president.

So, here is the first in what will be a string of stunning victory for me.  I know this because in spite of all the incompetent helpers, bumbling allies, and stubborn opposition, I will get this country going in the right direction.  I will do what is necessary to make America great again.  And that, my foolish Republican opponents is why I am the leader of this country.  So, the stimulus has passed, it’s not perfect, and I’m sure I’ll have to do some more work on it, but I know it will get done.

So, tomorrow, on my day, I will sign the stimulus.  Now, onto fixing the housing problem, and the banking crisis.

My Blackberry

A lot has been made of my wonderful Blackberry.  The media has made hay out of the fact that I am a modern man, and I can’t live without my blackberry.  Well.  The funny thing is this was never even a choice or a consideration.  When I visited the White House the first time, I was telling George about how tough it’s going to be to try to keep my Blackberry.

Bush laughed, and he showed me his personal cell phone.  He told me it was the president’s phone, it had mobile internet like 10 generations ahead of the iPhone, the best email, he could watch movies, voice based text message, and heck, even order a nuclear strike from it.  I was taken right then and there, and Bush told me that I’ll get one as soon as I’m on the job.   There is like only a few of these around, exclusively for presidents and vice presidents.   He let me play with his for a few minutes, I was in love.  I typed in a couple of commands and sent a predator into Pakistan and told it to fire a missile.  It was like just the best thing mobile ever made.

My only regret out of this whole thing is that Joe gets one of these too, but oh well, you take the good with the bad.  But since the media kept pointing to this, I got together with a couple of guys at the NSA, and we came up with this little gag.  I got one of these so called secured blackberry from Research In Motion, and then gave it right to the boys at Ft. Meade.   So now we got a rope a dope going with all these hackers coming after my “blackberry.”

I say to all the would be hackers, bring it on.  Have fun trying to purge your PCs or whatever of the viruses you’re gonna get when you hack into “my blackberry” sitting in Ft. Meade.  Meanwhile, I’ll be having fun with my personal presidential smartphone, laughing all the way to the bank.  Heh heh, do you idiots think I would buy Canadian when I can buy Apple?

Oops, went a bit far with that one.  The product didn’t come from Apple, nope, other coast.

Thank you Senator Judd

I want to personally thank Senator Judd for his public backstabbing of me today.  I mean I couldn’t have ask for anything more meaningful from the Republicans, this is so easy, it’s like taking candy for a bunch of retarded babies.

Now, people might wonder why I’m not up in arms about all this.  Well, it’s simple, I am demonstrating leadership.  Showing that I’m willing to reach out to my political opponents and giving them the chance to be a part of my administration.  Now, if they are stupid enough to take this golden opportunity to stab me in the back in full view of the American public.  Then I’m gracious enough to say, guys, there will be other chances for you to sign up, but the people will remember this, how you were all a bunch of petty politicians that instead of trying to work on the problem, you take opportunities to try to screw over a new president that’s trying to help the American people in their time of need.

Now, lest everyone think I’m just a naive fool walking through life with blinders on, just take a look at the image above.  While old Judd is talking, my eyes are sharply focused, it’s sending a message, it said, Judd, I’m giving you the opportunity to help me save the nation, don’t screw it up.  Obviously, Judd decided he couldn’t handle the job, but instead of talking to me about it like a honest man, he couldn’t resist trying to screw me while I was talking to concerned citizens.  Lincoln would be ashamed.

Republicans, from the wisdom of Bush, you are either with me, or you’re against me.  But if you guys want to become a permanent minority party, you keep doing what you’re doing, and come 2010, I’ll have a supermajority in Congress, and then all your partisan sniping are going to be just crap that’s fit for the tabloids.

So, as I started, Thank you, Judd Gregg, for deciding to be a dumbass and playing politics and trying to hurt me while I’m trying to help the country.

Clintonian Diplomacy

The results for the Israeli election aren’t even in yet, and I got a call from Bill Clinton.  He told me that he would be very happy to conduct some direct diplomacy for us if Tzipi Livni get the prime minister post.  He’ll guarantee that he’ll have the Israelis and the Arabs sitting down and hammering out a peace process if he can just get with Tzipi and uh… in his words, reason with her.

He told me that he’s met her once before and she can be persuaded, but only by him, because he is the only one who can work with her, and “melt her icy exterior.”  I just couldn’t believe he put it that way.  I asked him what makes him think that Hillary will allow it.  Bill told me that Hillary can take the credit for bringing about Middle East Peace, and that’ll be good for her, all he wants to do is to help himself.

I told him thanks, but we’ll start by letting the special envoy, George Mitchell have a crack at it first.  Then move from there.  Bill was not too happy, he said that George is a good guy, but wouldn’t know how to establish the right type of relationship with someone like Tzipi.  But he understands that I should try things my way first, even if it is a failure.

You know that Bill just keeps reminding me why I don’t like the Clintons.

The Spanker

You know, when a new administration comes in the Secret Service has a field day providing new code names to everyone.  I mean take Hillary for example, she is called 4th in line, and Joe is Big Mouth, I suggested for myself a name of upset kid, but the Secret Service guys declined it, since they said its their job to provide code names.  I asked and made them give me one exception though.  I got them to give Rahm Emmanuel the code name, The Spanker.

Now you people might wonder what kind of a code name that is.  Well, baby face (AKA Tim Geitner) found out today.  After that pathetic performance he gave today with his plan.  I felt it was only fair.  I was so disappointed with Geitner, he asked me for a clear field on Friday so that he could have the undivided attention of the country to unveil a plan that was better than what Hank Paulson provided.  Boy, did he disappoint.  After his rambling press conference, he managed to tank the stock market.

I didn’t believe it when Bush told me to becareful about the economy and to make the major announcements myself.  Since he said only the chief executive could restore confidence, don’t trust the underlings like he did with Paulson.  I didn’t listen, and did I pay for it today.  Could baby face have come up with a more vague plan… I’m talking transparency and he couldn’t even provide simple details on what he has in mind.  It’s so bad, not only did he tank the Dow, he is taking down Asia too.

So that’s where Rahm came in, after the day got done, I pulled The Spanker and Babyface into the same room, and I told Tim that he earned every bit of what he is getting.  Then I had him strip down, and told Rahm to get to work with the paddles.  After about the twentith stroke, baby face was in tears swearing he’ll do better.  I told him he’d better given all the trouble I got put through with his tax evading ass, or next time, he is not gonna be able to sit for a week.  So, if you guys see Tim walking a little funny tomorrow, that’s a reminder to all of you.  I’m giving all of you bozos the room the run with the ball, but if you screw up, The Spanker will be waiting.

Who won the last election?

So, you know I was looking at this past week as I’m cogitating this wonderful superbowl, and I had to ask Michelle exactly who won the last election.  I mean, we have control of the Congress right?  I am in the White House right?  So, what the heck is going on with this opposition from the Republicans?  I made nice with them too just a few days ago, I mean I sat in there nicely and listened to them.  Was very attentive, and I even made sure my party didn’t put in that $200 million for whatever it was that the Republicans were against.

This is just so dumb.  Not that it matters because the House still passed my bill.  Ok, now the senate better do the job.  I just have to turn one or two of the Elephants in the Senate, and the job will be done.  But for now, I’ll stay humble, and see if I can play one or two of those, may be a McCain or a Snow, or one of the other moderates.    Then I’ll have this thing done, and I can move onto my next deal.  Stupid Republicans, didn’t anyone tell them they lost the election?  Do they want to go from the minority party to the non-existent party? 

Now for those of you who are wondering why I did this.  It’s obvious isn’t it?  If there is a screw up, it’s Joe’s fault, just like if the Middle East falls apart, well, I have this superstar Hillary Clinton running it right?  So I can fire her ass if that happens, I gave her the ball and let her run with it, so succeed or else.  So, if either or both of them succeeds, See, it’s just like how Bush wanted to run his administration, like a CEO, except I don’t pretend to be like a CEO, I pretend like I’m the every man, but trust me, I’m not, I’m the best damn leader there is, I’m just humble about it.