Here is more rope… you know what to do

You always know who is the one stupid enough to step over the line.  They might grab power temporarily, but they always do something dumb.  In this case, third in line is out there talking about how my CIA is lying.

I always played nice with Nancy and Harry, I mean they are my colleagues, but she is absolutely nuts to accuse the CIA of lying, people might not on the surface say they support the CIA, but no one in their right mind would be so stupid to accuse the CIA when they’re actually protecting the country.  Let’s also face some other facts, the CIA is not in the business of telling everyone under the sun everything. And most Americans don’t mind, because it’s keeping the country safe, Nancy, you need to be a little more thoughtful on stuff like this.

But let me be clear, in this case, Leon told me that the company is strictly on the up and up, they briefed the Congress like they ought to, and they had no problem telling it to everyone on the then intelligence commity.

So, let’s put it this way, Nancy, you need to back the off now, just say you’re wrong, forget this idiotic truth commission thing.  I told you before, it’s time to leave the past behind.  But if you want the rope for your politcal gallow, here it is,  but my advice here is just to back off, ok?  Tell the CIA you’re sorry, and admit you’re wrong, and that’ll be the end of it.  It’s good advice, I should know, it’s coming from me.

AIG

As I sit here preparing to dazzle the audience on the Tonight Show, I am reminded of the pain that the citizens of Americans are multitudes.  When companies like AIG excessively rewards failure at the expense of the tax payers, I am hurt.

Now, I am thankful that others have recognized their roles in giving companies like AIG such giant loop holes. But as I said, my administration take full responsibility for what happened, yes, we had a lot to do, but that’s no excuse.  We will fix this.  My good friend Charlie Rangel are doing the right thing by pushing to tax these excesses.   These people should not be reaping the rewards of their failure.

Having said this, as a nation, we truly need to carefully look at how people are compensated.  Consider for example the scientists who discover drugs, do they deserve their excess profits, let’s look at a place like Genentech for example, their recent takeover by Roche has made a lot of their key scientists rich.  Given their exploitation of the riches provided by nature, does it make sense for them to continue to pile up more money in the name of developing more expensive drugs?  In this case I would say these scientists who have become rich should for the social good to develop more drugs but without compensation more than your typical… say, social worker.  Or perhaps, we should consider taxing these same scientists at the 90% level that we will be going after the AIG crew with, after all, how are they any different than those greedy traders other than the fact that they’re successful, and let’s not forget, they’re only successful part of the time, they fail at developing compounds far more often than they succeed.

Now, I’ve digressed on the drug issue as an example.  But we need to have regulatory changes that aims to curb the excess on Wall Street so far, but in the long run, we need to push fairness across the board, not just the financial sectors.  Think about it, why does any CEO (like those on the big three) deserve any compensation at all when they fail their companies so miserably.

But fear not, this crisis has given us the opportunity to make the changes we need, and we will level the playing field for everyone involved.

Wish they were in charge

There are times when I think the world is just plain unfair.  We have an economic crisis, and what we need is hope and decisive action, but instead our European partners, those who had  been liberal and thoughtful has been replaced in the recent years by those who are conservative and not so much forward thinking.

The “united” opposition planed for the G20 to my suggestions that we need to further stimulate our economy is troubling.  Both Merkel and Sarkozy have decided to oppose me in terms of economic policy.  What we need now is not more naysaying and second guessing, we need coordinated actions to bring the world out of the current economic crisis.

That means we need to do what must be done by further boosting the role of government in order to ensure that the world economy is in good shape.  At times like this, I wish my old friends Chirac and Schroder were still in charge.  I’m sure they’d see eye to eye with me.  After all, they opposed Bush philosophically, so I expect agreement with my policies.  How can anyone other than cynics oppose hope.  It is my hope that the people of France and Germany see how their current leaders have led them on the wrong path, and will push for new leadership in the near future.

Part of me does wonder though, is it just that these are conservatives who are opposed to freethinkers that can lift the country from its doldrums, or is it more a case that France and Germany must forever oppose the will of the US.  I must ponder this, if it is truly the later, then this is troubling indeed.

Open Letter to China

Dear Chinese Leadership,

I, Barack Obama sincerely appreciate your thoughtful comments, and  generous acts of friendship in this difficult time.  I believe that our relationship is on the fast track since the visit by my esteemed secretary of State.

I would hope that my delightful sec State (aka 4th in line) conveyed my deepest gratitude for our lasting friendship, and you have my word if somehow there was a misinterpretation of her comments during the last visit, or perhaps a misunderstanding, I will speak with her regarding this issue.  I am certain that she would mend her ways so that she can maintain her jet setting ways to win peace and prosperity through diplomacy and SMART power.

Now, I appreciate your concern about our economy, let me just say that we fully plan to get our financial house in order on the finance side.  My genius Sec Treasury (aka babyface) is on the job. His actions have fully drawn the confidence and support of our allies in Europe, and I believe that a close examination of his handling the issues will provide you the same sense of assurance that our European friends have achieved.

As for the issues in the South China sea, my plan is to have an equally thoughtful response to your tactfully choreographed actions.  I look forward to a continued exchange of frank view of this matter, with a firm understanding of our relative positions (see page 66) in the world.  I fully anticipate that my message of hope will reach you and we will continue in a spirit of friendship that will endure far beyond our lifetime.

Sincerely

Barack H Obama

Nancy and I

There is this entertaining poll out on Newsweek about Nancy.  It appears that the media and all the haters want to stir up trouble between me and my esteemed colleague, who is a fine and upstanding woman and a wonderful speaker of the House.  And also incidentally sandwiches between second (Biden) and fourth (Clinton) in the line of succession.  Now, being in that important position, I am constantly talking with Nancy so that she is informed of what’s going on in case her services are ever required.

Now I know that she and I have some genuine points that we disagree on.  Iraq for example, I think we need to make Iraq a success, and under my administration, we will.  Nancy thinks it’s time to cut the losses and move on.  We respectfully disagree, that’s always true of colleagues and allies, but the key here is respect.  Nancy respects my position as the leader of the country, and I respect her as the leader of the House.  So, all of this conservative chatter is just their way of trying to drive a non-existent wedge between us.

The good people of the country know better.  I have a job to do, and I’m going to be saving this country one step at a time.  Take a look at the progress of the last two weeks, a bank rescure plan, a budget, a strategy on Iraq, and that’s just for starters.  Wait till you see what I pull out of the hat next.  I’ve been doing something that has been sorely  lacking in the country for a while, something we call leadership.  Trust me, friends, you are all in good hands with me.

The Face of the Opposition

A lot of people have said a lot of things about what I’ve done in the last two weeks.  But none has made more impression than the one I call the head of the Republican party, essentially, its heart and soul.  Rush Limbaugh is a formidable foe, his reach is broad.  Millions of listeners tune into him daily.  He was the rockstar at this weekend’s conservative convention, and everyone from New York Times to the CNN has all but crowned Rush as the face of the Republican party.

With millions and millions of conservatives rallying to his voice, he is the face of the Republican party.  To which I echo proudly in the voice of my predecessor, BRING IT ON.  Between David, the Spanker (Rahm) and myself, we had a sit down on political strategy the last couple of weeks, and this weekend just topped everything.  We love the idea that everyone is elevating Rush as the head of the Republicans, the new RNC chairman Michael Steele has got nothing on Rush.   In his own words, Rush hopes that “I fail.”

I don’t know how everyone would interpret that other than that they hope America fails.  I’m the leader of the country, if I fail, I will drag the country down, and the economy won’t recover.  So, by saying that he hopes I fail, Rush is effectively saying that he hope America fails.  How terrible.  Talk about trying to make political hay out of the misery of the country.

Sure, I have poor Gibbs out there looking harried and combative, but it’s part of the master plan of misdirection, confusion, and chaos that I’m sowing into the minds of the enemy.  I know what I want, I want to lead the country into success for the next eight years, and I will do it.  To do that, I’m going to choose my opposition, and confuse them while I pull of the save of the century.

So, Rush, my friend, I heart you, and look forward to the loyal opposition from you in the next three and a half years.

Tryouts

This week, two wonderful American companies came the Washington to beg for more money.  Now, privately, the Spanker has been fielding calls from the two Chief Morons of the company as well as Ronnie from the UAW.  The call is all the same, Ronnie was saying that he delivered Michigan to us during the election, now it’s time to pay up.  I’m hearing the same thing from some of the guys in Congress like Carl Levin.

Now, I’m all sympathetic to saving jobs, and trying to salvage the auto industry.  But guys, come on, why don’t you actually hire some real marketing people, the plan you morons presented sucks.  My daughters could probably come up with a better plan that save money.  Let’s take GM’s plan for instance, they are off loading brands, and they feel if the American consumer can start buying record level of new cars by 2014 or something, they’ll have the loans paid back in full.  Now, this is the money we already loaned them and the additional money we’ll loan this time.  They just assume the market will turn around, but oh by the way, if it doesn’t, we’ll owe you even more money.

Then there is Chrysler’s plan, which is even more of a joke.  Guys, that’s not even a plan, that’s a frigging dream or something.  Give me a break, did you think I was just born yesterday?  You might be able to sell this load of crap to the morons in Congress, but I’m sorry, I am just not that stupid.

So, here is what we’re going to do.  You guys are each going to pick a team of five, and then we’re gonna have try outs.  I don’t have enough money for both your companies, so one of you will have to go.  The tryouts are a combination of strength, skills, smarts, stamina, savvy, and other attributes.  You know all the things that got me into the White House four years after I became a junior senator from Illinois.  Anyway, the winner, and yes, this will be judged by my panel of experts and myself.  The winner gets the money and gets to remain part of the American success story, or at least, survival story, and the loser becomes like the dinosaur.

Oh, and Ronnie, I do owe you something, so, I’m going to help ensure one of these two survive, and you still have Ford, so a majority of the UAW power will still be intact, okay?  But, I’m not going to keep throwing tons of money to you guys just because these two companies can’t compete with Toyota, Honda, BMW, VW, and Hyundai.  So, you need to do your part, and help the survivors get more competitive.

A Courtesy Call

On Friday, I called up my predecessor.  It’s been a month since I took over from him, and I thought I should see how he is doing.  I had heard from one of my colleagues that he called Bill Clinton about a month after he left office, and I thought it would be nice to extend that courtesy.

I caught him apparently out on a bike ride, so I chatted up with him for a bit.  I asked him how he was settling in and what he is doing.  He told me that he was doing fine for the most part, still adjusting to the fact that he doesn’t have to get up in the morning to listen to the briefing from the company, and having to get Laura coffee.  He told me that he kind of missed the White House chefs since they were so damned good, but otherwise, he is getting used to being an ordinary guy.  As far as Secret Service allows him to be.

I reminded him that if he thinks he needs protection down the road, I’m happy to get an executive order in place.  George just laughed it off, and told me that he could take care of himself.  He told me that the last trip in Iraq, a second journalist threw a shoe at him, this time off camera, and so knowing he had a freer hand, he caught the shoe and threw it back into the guy’s face.  And then he told the security to let the guy up, and then told the guy to take a free shot at him.  Apparently, he had ordered Secret service to stand down, and do nothing, so this guy tried a quick punch to the face, and George apparently caught his fist, and then twisted his arm until the guy started crying uncle.

Anyway, not sure if I believe that one, but I told him my offer remains open, and if he wants to come up to the White House for a visit, just let Rahm know, and he is welcome any time.  It’s nice not having to worry about your immediate predecessor make comments about all your decisions at every opportunity, unlike some other president who shall remain unnamed.

Thank you for the advice…

Now, I invite you to shut the hell up.  Yes, Bill Clinton I’m talking about you.  Your little interview this week was just so low class.  You’re like that son of a bitch Jimmy Carter, who just keeps piping up when all he needs to do is shut up and sit down.  I mean I am so disappointed in you.  You don’t see either of the Bushes going out in public and telling me how to lead.  Now, granted, they aren’t very charismatic, but that’s not the point.  They aren’t out there telling people that I’m not giving people enough confidence.  So, from the bottom of my heart.  I thank you for your wonderful advice.  And I invite you to shut the hell up.  Either that, or Hillary will be coming back from China on United Airlines instead of the comfortable US government aircraft that she went out on.

Her performance so far has been up to snuff, but I swear if she screws up either the North Korean deal or the situation in China, I’m going to fire her  faster than you can say cat in a hat.  If you keep blabbing, I’ll tell the secret service to give Hillary regular reports on your activities, if you know what I mean.

Oh, this reminds me, since you offered last time to help with Palestinian/Israeli conflict, do you still want to go?  You can go and melt Benny Netanyahu’s cold and icy right wing heart.  In fact, I’ll fire George Mitchell right now, and send you over there… what, don’t want the job?  I didn’t think so.  Now, please excuse me, while I exercise something that is no longer part of your job description, LEADERSHIP.  By the way, I’m the man of hope, and all you are is just some ex-president, now shut up, and just run your stupid Clinton initiative.

First Victory

Ah, the first job is done, the stimulus has passed.  Well, ok, to be sure the passage of the stimulus in Congress was a foregone conclusion, and unfortunately, it didn’t do enough of what I wanted thanks to those idiot Republicans and a few turncoat Democrats.  But that’s ok, I have the first thing I wanted in order to get the economy back on its feet.

Now, for those people who thinks it’s just a new president flexing his muscle, I say you guys just don’t understand this simple concept called leadership.  People need hope, people need someone to tell them things are alright, and that there is someone on the job, taking care of things.  I’m that someone.  That’s why I was elected the president.

So, here is the first in what will be a string of stunning victory for me.  I know this because in spite of all the incompetent helpers, bumbling allies, and stubborn opposition, I will get this country going in the right direction.  I will do what is necessary to make America great again.  And that, my foolish Republican opponents is why I am the leader of this country.  So, the stimulus has passed, it’s not perfect, and I’m sure I’ll have to do some more work on it, but I know it will get done.

So, tomorrow, on my day, I will sign the stimulus.  Now, onto fixing the housing problem, and the banking crisis.